How to Be in the "Now" - wikiHow

How to Be in the "Now" - wikiHow

Stress and Work Relationships

The Four Human Needs include the physical, emotional, the intellectual and spiritual. Let's focus on ....

Emotional/Social

We are pack animals. Many of us (introverts) prefer spending a lot of time alone, but we get VERY WEIRD (not to get too technical about it) when we spend day after day alone. We need interaction with others for proper brain function. Work provides plenty of this, of course, but it provides much more than just social stimulation.

Current studies are showing employers that office friendships have a direct correlation to employee satisfaction. Where once employers shunned group lunches and socializing after hours, we now know that this reduces turnover and markedly lowers stress levels in employees.

Moreover, we go through divorces, babies, deaths of parents, marriages and many other human experiences with our co-workers. Baby showers and birthday lunches are a normal part of office interaction today.

All of this meets (significantly meets) our social and emotional needs as humans. So, once again, we can check this off our list and be thankful for our workplace commutes and even see office politics in a new light.

More on the Four Human Needs

Spiritual Stress

What is "Spirituality" and Why Would It Cause Stress?


What does it mean to have spiritual stress? How do we meet our spiritual needs?

How do you know if you are spiritual?

I live in the southeast region of the United States. For the most part, this area is very Protestant Christian. Very. And many of my co-citizens follow a strict path of Christianity. But, I would offer, it is not always a spiritual experience for them.

Religion and spirituality CAN be found together. The litmus test is whether you find yourself with an emotional (or metaphorical) lump in your throat. 'Are you moved?' is the question on the table.

If you find comfort in your religious tradition, are following this religion because your parents did, believe it is the right thing to do because you have children...well...you are not meeting this fourth human need. You are meeting something important, but it is not spirituality...probably.

I will not provide links here, or suggest sites for you to explore my own spiritual path. That is your business. But I will caution you about misunderstanding this need and believing you are filling it, every Sunday at 11am, and still finding yourself stressed and unfulfilled.

It isn't a judgment, it is about what will work and what will not. Surely anyone's god would want you to follow the laws of the Universe that it/he/she created?

But maybe of tantamount importance to me, and my work, is that you understand that your relationship with yourself is found here, in this spiritual pursuit. You and Your God are found in the same space. How close you are with yourself, how much you trust yourself, how you forgive yourself, how you fortify yourself...are all found in this fourth need.

So, a very private journey. And one that cannot be provided by a list of bullets or an article. My only instruction is that you recognize that dogma and discipline are NOT the tools to be used here, in this particular section. I would offer that this need can be met in church, but may also be met through inspirational reading, meditation, yoga, walks in nature and is as varied as we are. The only requirement is that you be:

Moved.
Changed instantly.
In awe.

These are the measures for meeting your spiritual needs.

See more on the "Four Human Needs"

How to Get Rid of a Negative Emotion

What we resist, persists. As humans, we naturally want to avoid pain, and that includes our feelings. Trying to push the emotions away, or using substances like food or alcohol, work for a little while. Then the emotion is worse than ever.

While understandable, this simply doesn't work. Instead, I advise you to purposely face the emotion, lean into it, and really get to know it.

Follow the six steps below. And like magic, it's gone.

#1. Close your eyes and get as physically comfortable as possible.

#2. Locate the feeling in your body. Is it in your stomach? Your neck? Several places? Does it swirl around as you try to locate it?

#3. If this emotion had a color, what would it be? Black? An ugly yellow? The reddest of reds? Maybe it's black in the middle and gray on the edges. There is no right or wrong. Just describe this to yourself.

#4. If you could pour this emotion into a container, what would that container be? A measuring cup? A bucket? An ice chest? How many cups or gallons would it create?

#5. Give this emotion a name. Is it something ugly like Elvira? Is it something like an injured child and you would name it Olivia or Timmy? Does it talk to you? Is the emotion asking you for anything? Is it trying to help you?

#6. Now, assess how you feel. Is the negativity less? Is it worse? Start the process all over again. Do it as many times as you need until the emotion is gone (and it will be).


Additional Tips:

* Don't worry about following these steps exactly. Read this a few times until you're pretty sure you have all/most of the questions memorized an

* Print these tips and review them for a few days while you are calm. Then whenever a negative emotion hits, you don't have to add the burden of finding this process to your troubling feelings.

Final Thought:

Remember the quote from Dr. Stephen Covey of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" fame who said, "When you resist an emotion, it springs to life. When you allow an emotion, it dies on the vine." He isn't suggesting you ACT on the emotion in this quote, however. Just to fully and finally FEEL it.

Head over to my website for lots more articles and tips like this one : Work-Stress-Solutions.com.

The Only Stressful Thought

The Only Stressful Thought

“Happiness is a continuation of happenings which are not resisted.”
Deepak Chopra, author, inspirational speaker, physician

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

This is something we all say to ourselves at some point, on any given day, and probably several times every day. It could be the spilled drink, the traffic jam, or that just-noticed belly pooch. The inevitable emotion that is felt when we think the thought, “This shouldn’t be happening” is stress, anger, even depression.

Why do we resist what is? Why don’t we see clearly that traffic jams and someone’s political opinion are not in our control? Why do we move out of our own business and move into someone else’s? (“You shouldn’t have spilled that milk!”).

I ponder this question often these days. In my own quest for peace and happiness, I’ve come to realize that almost all of my pain and discomfort comes from just this one thought, though it sounds like many, many other reasons. And my purpose in writing this article to you, and for you, is really to answer the question for myself.

I know for me, I seem to believe I must feel intense irritation (and even self-loathing) to get truly motivated to change something. I judge myself, therefore, to get myself motivated to do the thing that will stop me from judging myself. Now, is that sane? Is that the way to self-acceptance and acceptance in general? At 46 years old, I will tell you this: it hasn’t worked yet. And I believe a much-wiser person than I, Albert Einstein, said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”

So if self-flagellation has not created self-discipline for me (and I know the same is true for those people in my life who have let me in to their inner world and to see them honestly), then why are we doing it? Why are we resisting ourselves, each other, and reality?

Control Freaks Apply Here!

The word that keeps wanting to be typed here is “control.” If I can control events then I will feel happy and at peace. Is that even true? What if I got exactly what I wanted, with the snap of a finger, an affirmation repeated over and over, or a ritual performed under the full moon? What if everything in my life was exactly as I wished it right now? Would that bring me happiness? Finally?

The only honest answer I can give is: “I don’t know.” Because I don’t, and you don’t. I have received what I wished for on occasion---in fact, often---and sometimes it made me happy. And sometimes, over time, it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. This “gift” of experience and time has allowed for one thing, and that’s humility (that came courtesy of a dash of humiliation). I don’t know what’s best for me, or for you, or for right now.

I have no control at all. Even as I type this, my chair could collapse, or my boss could come in, shut the door and tell me my job has been eliminated. My son could be hurt. My identity stolen. Many, many things could be happening that would make me less happy than I am right now. And, it’s worth mentioning, many things could happen that would make my situation right this minute, better.

But apparently, I’m not doing any of it. My actions, my thoughts, my feelings…I can’t say that they are really even a function of cause and effect. The only thing that works for me is this:

There is another way of looking at this.

And this is also reality...this is ALWAYS true. And it's always in your control.

And so whenever I’m disturbed or stressed, that is what I spend my energy ‘doing’ about it. I try to not judge, or complain, or pout (or more accurately, I STOP doing those things and switch gears). Instead, I choose to see another view, any view, that will make me feel some modicum of peace.

This SHOULD be happening, because it is. How’s that for another way of looking at things? Try it. The worst that can happen is that reality stays put. And as far as I can tell, that’s its plan anyway.

And who am I to get in the way? Who are you? Are we powerful enough to change reality?

Choose to see things differently--just for today. Turn the other cheek, if you will, and see things from a different, kinder, gentler perspective. The only thing you have to lose is your stress.

SEE more Articles like this one Work-Stress-Solutions.Com....

Training Ourselves to See Right from Wrong

Day Five. Today's focus is to notice what is RIGHT. Make a game of this or you may lose your focus and return to noticing what isn't right. Notice, count, seek out that which is already fine. Our training is to look for problems, to make things better, to find the bump in the landscape. Useful in some situations, but agony if turned to "ON" at all times. See that your coffee maker worked just now, your car turned on, you got to work on time, and so did he, and her, and that guy...all day today.

Got it?

See Work Stress Solutions for more stuff like this.

Breaking the Habit of Being Right

Day Four.

A bit more proactive today. Keep a focus on not knowing. The thought is "I don't know for sure, either way." When you notice you have an opinion, wait to voice it. Ask questions about the other views. Keep your opinion to yourself until it is requested. Work to seek the BEST option vs. sharing your option.

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the ...habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)

Share with us your insights, progress and any setbacks in the COMMENTS ON THIS TOPIC box below. All are useful in the breaking down of a habit and the building of a new one. With everyone you communicate with, even your children, stay aware and open to the other's view. Don't keep putting your opinion so strongly into conversations. See if you can wait until you are asked for it. It may not be asked for at all, and this can be a very interesting discovery in and of itself.

See Work Stress Solutions for more good stuff.

Cultural Conditioning and Being Right

Day Three.

“Character comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.”
~Peter T. McIntyre

Well, we're not there yet, at only three days in, but we are starting to see how insidious this being right stuff is. One more day of noticing, but with a twist:

Today, realize that you were conditioned by your parents to be right (or you were punished) and your teachers (they even sent home an official little card to show how right or wrong you were), but when we get into adult relationships and careers, being right is the kiss of death when it comes to being someone you can TRUST. And TRUST, is the ultimate test of any quality relationship (love is a distant second---more about that later).

As you go about your day, CONTINUING to NOTICE how you label things as right or wrong, and get unhappy when you choose "wrong", also notice where you are saying to yourself, "He/she has to be right. Ha! I'm so much more evolved than that one. I know about this being right nonsense now." It's just you, still trying to be right and making another person wrong.

Just notice. And....try not to be right today!

P.M. Entry

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)


See Work Stress Solutions for LOTS more like this...

Being Wrong: Day Two of the 30-Day Challenge

Day Two. Right vs. Wrong Challenge. Today, I'd like to continue to increase your awareness (and mine) about how much time and energy we place on categorizing things as right or wrong. And how angry it makes us when we decide "wrong." Perhaps you can do this mentally, but I'm betting you will have a bigger light bulb moment if you keep manual track. A Post-It and a pen by your side today? Notice when you listen to the news, while commuting, in the office, at home, reading emails, reading Facebook...how often do you get an charge of some kind of DISCOMFORT because you labeled something WRONG. Never mind the charge that we get when we SAY it. For today, I want you to notice how prevalent it is in your thinking and how unhappy it makes YOU and no one else.

Afternoon Follow Up:

Remember to note the drivers' wrong-doings on your commute. Notice how often you correct your kids tonight vs. just letting them figure it out on their own "for their own good". With your loved ones, notice the way the direction of your small talk goes---do you go straight to the negative, the news, the dramas of your workplace? How 'bout comments in emails or Facebook. Do you feel the itch to straighten someone out? Do they need a good dose of YOUR opinion?? Write it down!

See more articles and posts like this one on Work Stress Solutions.Com.

Day One of 30-Day Challenge : Our Irresistible Need to Be Right

Day One of our "When Being Right is Wrong" Challenge.

Dr. Robert Bolten, of the bestselling "People Skills" said this about his twenty-five year research on conflict: "Over 95% of all conflict stems from our own irresistible need to be right."

Today, just NOTICE (it's only Day One!) where you need to be right. Notice how you can't STAND to be thought wrong. Notice how you mentally yell at yourself for a mistake. Just NOTICE today (and share any insights with us, please!)

AFTERNOON FOLLOW-UP:

At 5pm on Day One of the "Don't Be Right" challenge, check in with yourself. How did you do? Did you catch yourself struggling with inserting your opinion, being irritated with someone who didn't share your view? Did you notice how often other people (unknowingly) make you wrong in an effort to make themselves right? Share with all of us... what you did that was successful and what you learned when you weren't.

See Work Stress Solutions.Com for more articles like this one.

When Being Right is Wrong...

When Being Right is Wrong...

In my private practice and in my public workshops, I have discovered one thing: Everyone's problem is coming from just one thought...

This thing/guy/situation is WRONG and I am right.

And because this just can't be true for everyone, or anyone, many of us on Facebook took on a 30-Day Challenge to NOT be right. Yep. To be wrong.

Or at least to see that being right is never the highest prize. That building trust is where we find satisfaction in our key relationships. And forcing our rightness, our opinion, our judgment on another is never a trust-builder. Apologizing, admitting mistakes, correcting our errors are always the way to go (and means we were wrong, by the way).

Follow our attempt to change our habit (28 days) and add two more days for good measure, and work on doing the right thing, by not being right.

See Work Stress Solutions for all 30 days...

You Are What You THINK?

Do you want to know why you feel badly most of the time?

I've done the reading. I've done the work. I KNOW what makes you (and me) feel stress, discomfort, anxiety, nervous, upset, angry, irritated...call it what you want. Bottom line: You're not happy.

You can treat your unhappiness like a speck of dust that's on the projector screen in front of you. Every time the picture changes, the speck of dust is now on something else, something different. Or...you can direct your attention to where the speck of dust actually resides: on the camera lens.

What you THINK creates the way you FEEL. You don't have a feeling and then have a thought about it. It's exactly the other way around.

You can change the environment, the people in your life, your body, your bank account. YOU CAN get these "specks of dust" to shift and move and maybe improve. But, just like the changing scenes in a movie, it won't last.

So, let's go for the pay dirt here. You have to wipe off the speck of dust on the camera lens...and that means change your mind from thinking what you think.

Most of our thoughts are just theories. Is this what's happening? Could he have meant this? What was that look about? Will this traffic make me late? Will this outfit impress them? What will happen if that bill passes the House? It's all just conjecture. And very little of it is factual.

Think of thoughts as specks of dust...blow them away...and put 'theories' in place that make you feel mellow, calm, at peace. How?

First, always ask yourself if the thought you are having is 100% truth. Can you know without a shadow of a doubt that "the traffic will make me late"? Then what are you doing? Do you think that by being stressed and tense you will make the traffic move faster? If so, then ask yourself again, "Is this 100% truth?" Is it absolutely true that you will be late? That your tension will be communicated to other drivers and you will move the traffic along?

Another way to change your mind and therefore your emotion is to turn your stressful thought around completely. The reverse is almost ALWAYS true too, if not truer.

So back to our traffic theory. "The traffic will make me late." The exact opposite is, "The traffic will not make me late." It's just as likely. You can't see into the future. And if we are being 100% truthful here, isn't your late departure the reason you are possibly running late? And you do have control over that...at least the next time.

Post these somewhere like your bathroom mirror or car dashboard:

-Is it 100% truth?
-What is the exact opposite (and is that just as true or truer?)

Here's to feeling pretty darn good...starting right now. It's just a thought away.

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#43 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Feeling Inferior: It's Your Choice

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

No doubt you have seen this famous quote before, but I'd like to explore this further from the perspective of why we give that consent to feel inferior. There are a couple of generally accepted rules-of-thumb on why we get our buttons pushed---although these reasons may, well, push your buttons. The first reason is:

Consider the source.

The person who has criticized you matters to you. You respect them or like them or feel they have some kind of influence over your life, and their comments are taken seriously. If this were not the case, you would not take the words to heart. Here's an example:

If my spouse said, "Those are funny-looking earrings," I would probably feel hurt. If the neighbor's two-year-old child came over and said, "Those are funny-looking earrings," I would weigh the comment and consider the source:

-This is a little kid I hardly know and have no significant relationship with.
-He doesn't have a strong command of the English language yet, so he may have meant "amusing" or "fun" instead of "funny."
-Generally, though there may be some exceptions to the rule here, I don't find that two-year-old children have exquisite taste in jewelry.

Therefore, the truth of whether my earrings are actually funny-looking or fantastic is not the point. The point is the source of the comment. I give my consent to feel badly, inferior, angry, or some other unpleasant sensation based on the source of the comment rather than the reality of the comment.

See my website for more ways to lower work stress (Work Stress Solutions.Com)

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#42 of The 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Perfection Repaired

When you set perfection as the standard for all of your objectives, you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. You deny yourself the reality that you can only become better when you are allowed to try new things, take risks, and make mistakes. The necessity of self-acceptance becomes impossible, and this lack of acceptance is used as a barometer for others' performance as well.

If you are deeply ingrained in the perfectionist mindset, then this information is probably being discounted by you. I urge you to just notice the possibility that you may be causing yourself unnecessary wear and tear by striving to achieve a standard that no one but you insists on. Read the following suggestions and select one to keep in mind for the following week.

*Remember that you have a distinct and unique contribution. Stop comparing yourself to others.

*Develop your own style and preferences instead of following another person's way.

*Stop analyzing every interaction/conversation you have with important others.

*Accept the fact that sometimes you will make poor decisions and that you will learn from them.

*Remember : perfection is not possible for humans!!


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#41 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be a standard to shoot for but becomes unhealthy when it is the only standard accepted. Some people take the goal of perfection too far...and there is a price to pay. True perfectionists are never satisfied. Chronic or daily attempts to achieve perfection are driven by feelings of inferiority and self-hatred. This not only impacts perfectionists and their health, it seriously damages the morale of coworkers. It is the leading cause of procrastination, ironically, as the tendency to procrastinate creates even more self-loathing, and the cycle continues.

Perfectionism has not received enough attention in the workplace. It can be one of the most destructive traits to both the individual and to others' motivation and workplace self-esteem. I have seen few personality characteristics as problematic as the need for perfection.

Are you a perfectionist?

*Do you find yourself becoming frustrated because you feel that you aren't as far along as others?

*Do you feel others (even loved ones) are always assessing you, from your clothing choice to your word choice...that you are regularly scrutinized by the people in your life?

*Do you criticize yourself even when you are learning something new?

*Do you expect yourself to do everything well at all times?

*Do you find yourself taking part in activities in which you have little interest to gain approval?

*Do you find that when you do something that satisfies you, it is short-lived (for example, the next day you are back to trying to accomplish perfection?)

*Have you been told by the people around you that you focus on the problems in life, and even if everything is okay, you find something that bothers you?

*With most tasks, do you feel that there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way to do them and that you are uncomfortable with alternative ways of getting them done?

If you answered "yes" to more than a couple of these, then I would start to work on your need for perfection. I can honestly think of few reasons for hating your job more than demanding perfection from others or having it demanded upon you on a daily basis.

It's really that simple.



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#40 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure: Neither Fatal nor Final

For some, writing or journaling produces nothing but a groan. If you are not the writing type, there are still some ways to effectively process a mistake, a misstep, or an outright failure.

Talk to someone.

Make sure you respect and trust this individual or it may make matters worse. A trust confidante with a good head on his shoulders is invaluable. What talking does is takes the monster out of your head, just like the journaling suggestion in the previous post. Some of us are visual and would prefer to write it out (and some of us may be more private than others). Others are more verbal and also benefit from a different perspective. Either way, you will get a better handle on the failure.

Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

Lather: Mourn the failure (as in, get in a lather).

Rinse: Cleanse yourself mentally and emotionally by getting the failure into a manageable size (see previous tip).

Repeat as needed: Or more accurately---DON'T repeat. Promise yourself you'll learn from this mistake and not do it again. Or really try to find what the reason for this failure may have been...what lesson did you learn?

When I feel like I have failed, I read a quote I have posted near me at all times: "This, too, shall pass." Trite? Take time to think about the words you have heard so many times before. The failure, the humiliation of the failure, will ultimately pass with time. You will not and cannot stay in this moment. Consider failure from the past: doesn't it seem less important now? Maybe even funny? At least it got you to where you are today. Can't deny that!

If all else fails (sorry), ask yourself, "In five years, will this really matter?" Works like a charm!

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." ~Winston Churchill

Purchase 101 Ways today....

See Work Stress Solutions.Com for more insights like this one.

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#39 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure: Get out of Your Head and on Paper

Processing a negative emotion or dealing with something like a failure is easy to say (or write), but how exactly is it done? Are we supposed to scream into a pillow? Go to a therapist? Develop a thicker skin? I have found one technique in particular helps me deal with the hard times in life. I have used this technique off and on for many years. The more I do it, the more at ease I am. Try it and see if you don't find it a little easier to pick yourself back up the next time you fail.

Journal.

Journaling is a great way to get the "monster" out of your head and onto something more manageable---paper. Journaling is not the same as keeping a diary. Journaling's purpose: When we keep our thoughts in our head, they become larger, more abstract, more intense. By putting the thoughts on paper, you can read back your notes and see that things aren't quite as bad as you thought. (Though they will be bad, as this is a failure, not a success!).

To journal, just take your thoughts and write them ALL down. Don't edit yourself, worry about spelling or punctuation, or worry that another will see your entry. A journaling session may read like: "Today I really blew it. I am so embarrassed, and frankly I am a little worried about my job security. I wish I hadn't done it, but it's too late now. Hey, it's cold in here. Anyway, I would like to just stick my head in the sand and float away and never have to see anyone at work ever again. The phone is ringing---I'm going to ignore it...." and so on.

The rule of thumb for a proper journaling session is : write for three handwritten pages. That's 8.5 x 11 pages. Write for the front and back of one page, and the front of another. This is how long you need to really process the failure. Writing by hand is also a way to slow down and reflect and use the right and left sides of the brain (creative meets logical). There is a ton of research that suggests that writing gets everything involved---facts and emotions--as opposed to when you just type it all into a computer.

You may find that you even come up with some fixes (or at least get the courage to apologize or some other seemingly impossible action). It's not the purpose of journaling, but it is often a benefit.

Now for the real fun: take the pieces of paper, light them on fire, and flush them down the toilet. Worried about starting a fire? You can just tear them up into tiny pieces and flush them instead. The flushing of your troubles is great symbolism and ensures that no one sees your thoughts.

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#38 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." ~George Bernard Shaw

There are few of us out there that are at peace when faced with a failure. Failure is scary, embarrassing, sometimes expensive, and can make "getting back up" more difficult with each additional failed attempt. Hey! Feeling motivated and downright perky?? Well, let's see if I can turn this segment around a little and put a different spin on failure.

You have probably seen statements on failure that sound something like this:

~You never make the shots you don't take.
~Thomas Edison created 99 different versions of the light bulb before he made one that worked.
~The Chinese character for "failure" also means "opportunity."

But his knowledge all sounds a little "pie in the sky" when you are the one who has failed. Before I offer some constructive tools for dealing with failure, I'd like to emphasize that "failure" is self-defined. What may appear to be a failure to everyone you know* may only mean to you that you need to refine the process, practice more, learn from your mistakes, etc. Conversely, what may seem like no big deal to others may seem devastating to you. Regardless, if you identify a failure on your part, there are few things you can do, except "try, try again," as they say. But how do you get the energy or the nerve to try again?

*(I submitted some version of this book to publishers six time over a 7-year span and was rejected--or failed--each time. Failure is only final if you stop trying).

Mourn the Failure.

It's rarely effective to try to fool yourself that you didn't goof. When we deny a problem, it comes to life; when we acknowledge it, it dies. By admitting you made a mistake, screwed up, fell on your face, that it's not someone else's fault, ONLY THEN can the process of getting over it begin.

Anger, crying, self-flagellation, brooding...whatever your version of processing a negative emotion, will allow you to mourn your disappointment in yourself. Note: if you process negative emotion by eating for comfort, drinking, or taking it out on others...that's not processing emotion, but transferring it/avoiding it. Do the work! Remember this famous saying, "The only way out is through."

Then what?

Dissect the cause.

Now that you have mentally and emotionally processed the pain of failing, look at what the cause of the failure may have been and how to avoid it in the future. After all, learning from your mistake is just about the only silver lining.

More on dealing with failure in the next post!

Get your own copy of '101 Ways to Love Your Job' and consider leaving it in the breakroom after you read it ....

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#37 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

To Err is Human

By being willing to demonstrate through your words and actions that talking about, and learning from, mistakes is a necessary part of long-term career success, you allow others to share their experiences, too. It takes STRENGTH to admit that you are not perfect. It takes KINDNESS to share your humanness with another who is in dire need of direction during a painful time. And finally, it takes KNOWLEDGE to provide the information the coworker needs to repair or improve when she has "made a wrong turn."

Show others that it is okay to be human, make mistakes, and learn from them. Pretending to be perfect never taught anyone anything, except to be closed off from others and hide who they really are. I doubt we will find the latter behavior under the heading "great leadership."

Look for ways to help others who are struggling today. When someone comes to you with a problem, share your own similar experience and how you overcame it. Use your painful memories as a way to help someone out of a situation that is causing them pain today.

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#36 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Errors are Great Teachers

Appearing perfect, strong, and all-knowing doesn't serve your coworkers nearly as well as showing them then you, too, have made mistakes and have worked through them. In fact, I would suggest that withholding your "trials and tribulations" from others who are in need of counsel is very close to arrogance. You may get to feel superior momentarily, but in the end, you have not acted from a superior place. You have robbed someone of the information they need to learn, grow, and perhaps pass on the same wisdom when someone comes to them with a similar problem. Even in the worst case scenario, you will provide comfort to others by showing that you, too, have made mistakes and that they are not alone.

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#35 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Embarrassment at Work

If you can truly say that you have never been embarrassed, hurt, criticized, or make a mistake in the workplace, then how can you be a resource to teach or assist others when they experience these situations? Without experiencing professional anxiety, doubt, stress, rejection, and other uncomfortable (or downright painful) moments personally, then by definition you would be unable to give accurate, useful, and clear direction to others when they experience similar issues. You have no idea what they are going through; therefore, you cannot act as a resource for providing insight out of these dilemmas.

If you've never ridden a bike, how can you teach someone else? Ironically, the one thing we have in common as coworkers (and as humans) is our imperfections. And yet we spend endless energy keeping these painful memories hidden from each other. The very thing that could teach another or help someone through a difficult time (i.e., understanding exactly what they are going through and advising them on how you got through the same situation) is something we rarely share.

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#34 of The 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride and Prejudice Purified

Keep this idea in mind for the rest of the day:

Each time you interact with someone, mentally frame the interaction with the assumption that you don't have all the information about this person or this circumstance. Ask questions. Listen. When you find yourself drawing conclusions, search for proof of the opposite (called "contrary evidence.").

For instance, if you are drawing the conclusion that this person is not a team player, ask them for an example of when they showed exceptional teamwork.

Another example: Is there someone you just can't stand in your department? Look for those things you like, admire, have in common. Try to find any common ground.

All you have to lose is your bias!

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#33 of 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride Keeps Prejudice Company

Another Coveyism that ties prejudice to pride: "When we argue, we are fighting for our weaknesses." It took me a long time to understand what this quote was saying. When we are not willing to be open to another point of view--when we are sure we are right--we are actually fighting to keep our limitations in place. If you find yourself right this minute thinking, 'I am not the person she is talking to in this [blog entry]," you are fighting to keep your prejudice.

When we become defensive after receiving feedback or argue with someone over our opinions on a matter, we are fighting to not have our minds changed. We are fighting to keep our current mindset in place. As you can probably figure out, this will ultimately make you obsolete. "Fight for your weaknesses and you get to keep them," is another way to look at it.

Today, I ask that you open up to this possibility. What does becoming aware of our biases look like? How do we know when we are "there"?

The answer? When we can see that everyone has both shortcomings and strengths. Everyone (including ourselves) makes mistakes and creates successes. Knowing that we all want to be able to pay our bills easily, enjoy leisure time, and create something meaningful at work---no matter our physical form or current circumstances--is the goal.

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#32 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride and Prejudice

Creator of the Seven Habits, Dr. Stephen Covey says, "To be objective, we must first admit we are subjective."

We all see the world differently. Every one of us has unique experiences ranging from what part of the country we were raised in to what books we've read over our lives. This creates a subjective and personalized method when we process information. When someone says they are completely objective, it is likely not so. At first glance, this must seem like horrible news. You may even be saying to yourself, "I know there are others in my workplace that this applies to, but she's not talking to me." Oh, yes I am!

If you don't admit or realize that you, like everyone else, have bias, then this very bias will be incorporated into your decision-making. By not acknowledging the bias exists, it clouds your ability to assess the situation accurately. This is the harm in not seeing that we all carry bias.

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#31 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Organizing and Time Management

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging-on to an uncompleted task."

~William James

Tips for time management and organization:

1. Focus on starting tasks rather than finishing them. The greatest challenge is taking the first step and getting started. It feels good to finally get moving toward a project you've been dreading. See each step as starting something new (not working toward finishing).

2. Every day, something unexpected is going to happen. Count on it. Schedule "Oops!" time.

3. Think on paper, not in your head. Writing things down minimizes confusion and stress. Write down goals, to-do list, and even problems. Why keep all this in your head? What an effort!

4. Get a spiral notebook, date it, and keep all your notes in that book. Quit writing on loose papers that tend to get lost and shuffled endlessly.

5. When you find your scheduled "Oops!" time wasn't needed (#2) , use the down time to clear out your files. I have exhumed desks with files dating back 8-10 years! Surely, these pieces of ancient paper weren't being kept for regular review. We just stop seeing the clutter after awhile.

6. More on throwing away. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that could happen if I throw this away?" Most of the time, you can live with your answer. Most of the time, if it really was important, you can get a replacement.

7. If throwing papers away really makes you nervous, create a drawer or file to store your stuff for ninety days. If you have not used it with ninety days, you can safely throw those "keepers" away.

"What's man's best friend (besides the dog)? The wastebasket!"

~Business Week Magazine


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#30 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Managing Projects...Managing Your Life?

Whether you manage processes or work on projects, at work or at home, these tips will help you organize for a better outcome.

1. Begin with the end in mind.

Visualization, and talking to others about that vision, is key. During this phase, spend LOTS of time (experts recommend most of the time be spent here) mapping out possibilities, talking with those impacted, creating "pros and cons" lists, brainstorming in meetings. You should feel that nothing has been overlooked (though the reality is, it surely has). Ask "Why?" until every answer has been given to that question.

In your home life, or in career planning, this same step can be used to plan your future. Visualize, write it down, talk to others, read, research. The more effort that is taken here, the better the outcome--guaranteed.

2. Fail to plan and plan to fail.

Either you love or hate this part (put me down for "hate). Unfortunately, the reality is that your grandmother was right: if you don't have time to do it right the first time, you don't have time to do it over. Experts indicate that for every minute planning, you save three minutes in implementation. In the training world, the rule of thumb is that planning and preparation is 8:1---eight hours of prep for every of hour of a workshop. In my house, we have another rule of thumb: estimate the time needed for a weekend project, and triple the estimate. Never fails!

3. On your mark, get set, go!

This is the part we all look forward to: get the new project going, start that flower garden, enroll for our first college class. The enthusiasm is a given at this point. The problem is that enthusiasm will definitely lessen as the project goes on. To counteract this phenomenon, try to see every stage as a new beginning.

Adult learning research indicates that adults like beginnings and endings, but not the middle. So trick yourself: make everything a small step/launch/ new phase within the middle of a bigger project. The enthusiasm will return, and you'll be done before you know it.

4. Close the door.

This last step has two parts: One--a project should end. The term "close the door" means that you should announce the end of the project and deliver its outcomes. If you are working on processes, day-to-day implementation, then keep it going. But if you are pulling people off the phone for meetings for an "ongoing project", then something's wrong. Two---assess the outcome and the process that got you there. "What worked, what didn't?" is enough to improve your results the next time.

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#29 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Busy Bee, But No Time Free

"You can be busy---very busy--and still not be effective."
~Dr. Steven Covey, The Seven Habits

We have all had that day where we ran around the office jumping from phone calls to emails to knocks on the door, and ended the day saying, "What did I actually get done? I sure was busy, but I didn't finish anything."

Unfortunately, with faxes, emails, the Internet, and cell phones, we have created a world where information is immediate (and it better be). Instead of freeing us up to focus on our priorities, the priority has become, "Get the information to me and get it to me now." This makes for a fast-paced day, but not one that usually results in accomplishment and satisfaction.

The cure? Consider these two changes:

1. Sit at your desk each morning and list what you want to accomplish in these four areas only:

• Mental/Intellectual (work duties usually go here)
• Social/Emotional (relationships)
• Physical (workouts, doctor appointments, diet)
• Spiritual (not necessarily religious; something that gets you in touch with your introspective side---religion is one avenue)

If you create to-do lists around these four areas, you will have a sense of getting something done instead of "where did the day go?" syndrome. Try slowing down and being proactive by implementing the list you have created for the day.

2. Don't be compulsive about emails and the phone.

It's okay to let emails sit for a while and let phones go to voice mail. With the exception of the customer service role, most of us can let some time pass before answering an email or always picking up the phone. Many of us get compulsive about keeping our inbox free of emails and never missing a call. This can get so consuming that we allow ourselves to be distracted from what we are doing just for the sake of responding quickly. While this is an admirable trait, it is not the only trait worth developing. Try focusing on one thing, then turn your attention to the requests made by others.

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#28 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Balancing Act

We all hear so much about balancing our lives, our workload, our commitments to ourselves and/or others. But what is "balance," exactly?

Is it making sure each piece of your life is equal, like a pie being sliced into sections? Is it taking 100% and assigning a value to each section based on value? For instance, work gets 50%, kids get 30%, and so on? Is it taking the 24 hours a day we each have and determining what activity gets what amount of time?

I would say none of these definitions make the cut. Your definition of balance is unique and individual and comes from paying attention to the little voices--the little tugs---you receive from your intuition or that soft voice inside your head.

When you feel guilty or frustrated or angry or exhausted or any other unpleasant emotion of physical sensation, ask yourself what this message is telling you. Are you meant to get more sleep? Is there a difficult discussion you have been avoiding? Are you staying up to watch Letterman when you really want to get up early to work out?

Whatever "it" is, the answer is already there. Just relax and let it in. Don't avoid it or smother it with a cocktail or a box of cookies. Each day, each hour, we can make choices---different choices than the ones we made yesterday or five minutes ago. Instead of falling into the cycle of old patterns and moving on autopilot, shake yourself awake, so to speak. Pay attention. Do something right now that gets you closer to feeling calm, relaxed, in control, and therefore balanced.

My definition of balance? I think it could be best described using the metaphor of a gymnast on the balance beam: calm, relaxed, in control, focused, confident. Adjusting to the small sways or missteps, learning from mistakes, and practicing, practicing, practicing. Watching more accomplished gymnasts as they balance, talking to those who are more experienced on "life's balance beam," reading about techniques, trying them out. And finally, falling and getting back up.

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#27 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

ANXIETY RELIEF: Think Clearly and Create Calm

"The best way to turn anxiety into confidence is this: Be clear. Clarity is the antidote to anxiety. If you do nothing else, be clear."

--Marcus Buckingham, First Break All the Rules

This teaching complements the last entry, as well as the second habit of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey's bestseller. The second habit is "Begin with the End in Mind." This habit states that everything we do is created first in the mind. If we are unclear about our objectives or our goals, then the outcome will be inconsistent or vague, just like our thinking.

This reality is especially important for those who supervise others. If we are unclear about our expectations, then our directions are anxiety-provoking. If we give unclear messages to people (upbeat one day, grouchy the next), then we produce anxiety in others.

Decide to simplify your goals and your behavior. Be clear in your thinking. If you are conducting a meeting today, don't clutter your mind with thoughts like :

"Okay, I have to get all these things covered and then let others ask questions. If I make sure I race through this part, then maybe we'll end on time. I gotta make sure that I talk to Mary afterward about that other thing. Are there enough chairs in here? What about....?"

Instead, simplify, be clear. It may sound like:

"I have the agenda items I need to cover and there is enough time to gather questions. The purpose of the meeting is to convey this information and ensure everyone is clear before we end the meeting."

Imagine the difference in stress, anxiety, and confidence when you compare this to the first internal thought. By simply stating over and over again your one (maybe two) sentence objective instead of letting your mind race, you will naturally focus on only those things that get you closer to your goal.

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#26 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Anxiety is Mental Clutter

Presentations, one-on-ones, to-do lists, family interactions...all can be handled with less stress and confusion when presented as a simple, clear mental (or written) statement: "I am attending Johnny's baseball game today. We will be on time and I will only focus on enjoying the game."

When we aren't specific in our thinking while making plans, we may find our thoughts sounding something like this:" I have to attend the staff meeting across town and make sure I drop off the request for copies before 12pm. I've got to be on time or the manager of the project is going to start getting ticked. I won't chat with the copy center employees and get to the meeting late like last time, either. I'm going to focus on the meeting content and have lots of ideas for the group. Then when I get back to me office, I'll...."

Do yourself a favor and identify the main reasons that you may enter into situations with low does of clarity (and therefore high doses of mental clutter). What can be done to ensure more clarity is available when needed? When you do feel anxiety, check in with yourself and see where there may be "mental clutter" that can be simplified or clarified.

One technique I use is the "twenty words or less" goal statement. If I write down everything I want to do that day and include any additional "clutter" like my stressful feelings, other people's needs, financials, etc., I have a good two paragraphs of goals. What I do instead is TYPE what I want to accomplish and then plug it into Microsoft Word (any word processing software will do the job) and select "Properties." Then I see the word count. Often, my count is at 100 or more words. My goal is to get it down to twenty words or less. It is amazing how much can be filtered down and streamlined with this exercise. What felt like an enormously stressful undertaking feels light and doable.

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#25 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Visualize It and They Will Come

Help your goals along by giving them a little extra kick in the pants. Why not create an "inspiration board" or "vision board" and place it on your wall at work? Seeing what you want will bolster your efforts tenfold. Here are a couple of quick guidelines:

-Use cork or something permeable to easily take up items from magazines and websites, photos of loved ones, words that motivate you...I simply use a piece of flipchart paper and some tape.

-Instead of making the board orderly and linear, use the collage technique. If you are trying to buy a home, for example, post tons of pictures in a variety of shapes and sizes. Have fun and mix up the subjects. Use color and symbols. The pictures may include home fronts, blueprints, gardens....whatever you want.

What should be placed on a vision board? It's as individual as each person reading this entry. What I have placed on past vision boards includes:

-Hairstyles I like
-The cover of the video I watch while working out
-My house listing with "SOLD" across the picture
-The mock cover of a book I'd like published
-A house I want to buy now

You get the idea! Have fun with it. And remember--no "shoulds" allowed (e.g. "I should put up workout stuff because I should work out").

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#24 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Never Say Never

When using the power of our thoughts, it is critical that the use of any negative language be avoided. Words like no, never, can't, won't, shouldn't, not are simply not "heard" by the subconscious.

The reason the subconscious does not hear negatives is that it works with images only. To test this concept, say this to yourself, "I will not eat potato chips." What is the first IMAGE in your mind? I know it's a picture of you eating potato chips. That is what popped into my head, too. The same is true for all of us. "I will not go bankrupt." Immediately you see yourself destitute and homeless. That negative image is what the subconscious thinks you want to create.

Whenever you hear yourself thinking or speaking negatively (even jokingly), change that thought right then and there. Erase that programming and replace it with the image you want to achieve. "I am not poor" is replaced with "I am financially comfortable." Even if your conscious mind cringes at such a bold-faced lie, the image that pops into your head is of a financially successful you. That image is what the subconscious attaches itself to.

Eventually, your conscious mind will catch up.

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#23 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Let's Talk About Me

Now notice your "makes me" self-talk. "Makes me" is an example of language that is not self-responsible. It sends a message to yourself and the rest of us that you are NOT someone to be reckoned with. Examples include:

"Jane makes me so mad."
"Dogs make me nervous."
"He makes me uncomfortable."

Watch your language this week. It really does make a difference in productivity, credibility, and stress levels. Remember what English poet John Dryden said: "We first make our habits, then our habits make us." This is a powerful realization. Our thoughts are habits (sometimes called "scripts"), but they are habits we created.

That means we can break them, too.

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#22 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Let's Talk About Talk

Notice your language starting now. Are you using words like "should," "have to," "I'd better..."? Whether you think this way or speak this way, you are sending messages to yourself (and others) about your lack of personal power. Our language is not arbitrary. Research suggests that even joking about ourselves is picked up by the subconscious as truth. So saying aloud, "I'm such a klutz!" is ultimately confirming your clumsiness as a sure thing.

Even worse than joking about our shortcomings are phrases called "dead enders." These phrases are a way of talking to yourself that puts off changing for the better so quickly it needs some special emphasis:

"That's just the way I am."
"I'm not a morning person."
"That's life."

Working at eliminating this type of response permanently wouldn't be the worst goal!

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