How to Focus a Wandering Mind

Great article on why it wanders and how to get control of it; should be good for meetings, etc.

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It’s not surprising—this kind of repeated mental exercise is like going to the gym, only you’re building your brain instead of your muscles. And mind-wandering is like the weight you add to the barbell—you need some “resistance” to the capacity you’re trying to build. Without mind-wandering to derail your attempts to remain focused, how could you train the skills of watching your mind and controlling your attention?

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FULL ARTICLE



Reading all this might make you think that we’d be better off if we could live our lives in a constant state of laser-like, present moment focus. But a wandering mind isn’t all bad. Not only can we leverage it to build focus using FA meditation, but the capacity to project our mental stream out of the present and imagine scenarios that aren’t actually happening is hugely evolutionarily valuable, which may explain why it’s so prominent in our mental lives. These processes allow for creativity, planning, imagination, memory—capacities that are central not only to our survival, but also to the very essence of being human.

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Opening the Chakras - It's Child's Play

You may have heard the term "chakra" and dismissed it as new-age nonsense. But chakras are very real. This video, a cartoon excerpt, explains them very well (and enjoyably). Take a minute and enjoy this introduction to chakra clearing for better physical and emotional health.

Link directly to video or watch here (below):



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Anger: What Is It Good For?

Answer: Absolutely nothing.

Maybe. I'm obviously paraphrasing Bruce here...but let me fill you in on my reasoning.

In my work, I've followed the research on anger most of all. Anger is the thing everyone signs up for my classes to avoid or remedy. It's the main theme for ALL of the interpersonal skill programs. How to avoid this result. The damage it does.

At first, the literature said: Let it all hang out; don't hold back. It's bad for you, it's not healthy. So, we all did. And that got a result...one most of us did not appreciate. One that did damage, esp. in the workplace. Lately, the research says the opposite: To indulge your anger, creates adrenaline neuropathways, that BEG to be fed, once laid down. And then we create situations to allow ourselves to anger/rage. It feels good at the time. And we all know how it feels afterward: mostly shaming, regretful, left cleaning up the consequences.

I've been thinking about this for some time now. I've noticed my relationships have only suffered, never repaired to their former state, much more damage done than benefit found.

I'm not sure what I want any of you to do with this. I'm just noticing the evolution in myself. I'm gonna continue to notice and will report anything I find that works for me...as always.

I can recommend just about EVERYTHING that Albert Ellis wrote. He wrote a lot..so that should keep you busy. He's got several books on anger and how to unplug from it.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Approval Seeking: One Way We Create Stress and Anxiety

Many people struggle with the "Disease to Please," and this blog entry by Adam Pearson is very helpful in sharing why we do it, what is behind it and how to stop it.

Here's a taste:

If we don’t feel worthy by default, then we need to lovingly cultivate the belief that we are worthy. We need to treat ourselves with the same respect that we offer to others. We need to recognize that we, like everybody else, deserve to be loved and to belong. We need to realize that we have value within us that does not need to be externally validated, that we are enough, and that we can find our value in ourselves. And we need to see our own worthiness so clearly that we no longer need to go hustle others for approval because we already approve of ourselves. We no longer need others to validate us because we already validate ourselves. If you’re in the midst of shame, this may sound like a distant reality from what you are experiencing, but as a recovering approval seeker, let me tell you that it is achievable. You’re not alone. You can do this.

He shares the antidotes to approval seeking as well: Shame-Resilience, Compassionate Self-Talk, and Cultivating Worthiness. Check it out. This may be just the thing to lower the stress levels and anxiety that comparison and people-pleasing can generate.

Silencing The Praise

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Work Stress Just May Make You Insane

This is why I think it's SO important that you not take a job for the money. You can learn to live modestly and I have found it to be a very satisfying way of life, actually. I've taken a major pay cut from private sector to work for my local government and I have found the simplicity of my lifestyle is much less stress producing as well.

Our society seems to have slowed down on this materialistic bent for a bigger house, a new car every three years and so on. Less is more sometimes and when it comes to work, it may just mean your mental health. Here's an excerpt and the link to read the entire article :

"For many of us, society has become increasingly alienating, isolating and insane, and earning a buck means more degrees, compliance, ass-kissing, shit-eating, and inauthenticity." Full Article "Why Life in America Can Drive You Insane"

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Goodbye, Robin

Russell Brand and Robin Williams have always struck me as men not of this world, but so much more and beyond. They both have a gentle and humorous way of bringing this to your attention too. How fitting that Russell Brand wrote this as sort of an online eulogy to Robin. The intelligence of Russell is clear in the writing, but the depth to which he explored the meaning of Robin's suicide is something bordering on genius.

I agree with Russell that this world makes it hard for people to be different, to be themselves, to be real, to be flawed, to be human, to hurt. I hope and hope again that my life work is to make it okay for the expression of this reality in all of our lives. I have also struggled with the very things mentioned in this fabulous editorial, and know firsthand that it is the gentle-hearted and the loving and compassionate that hurt most of all. They are the ones who progress us further as a culture too. They are the ones who heal.

The continuation of the social mask that says, "I'm not only doing fine, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than you are," needs to end. I can no longer see its use. And so, with that, I post this in hopes that you will share this post as well and get this message going. The message being that we are all in pain. And it's time to start acknowledging it, instead of judging it and ridiculing it and hiding it and hoping that will make it go away.

Here is Russell's article/eulogy:

Or copy and paste into your browser http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/12/russell-brand-robin-williams-divine-madness-broken-world

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Perfectionism Q & A

A recent visitor to my website posted this question about her perfectionistic boss. Following is my advice to her:

Q: I work for a medical clinic, a specialist. The physician has a set standard that when a patient comes into the office you can spend no more than 20 minutes addressing all of this patients complaints. No exceptions. If your time runs out, we are to list that on our Encounter form that we "didn't finish because of time". We have to indicate what time we take this person in to work on them and then document what time we finish with them. Daily, each employee who goes "over their time" is wrote up and a copy put in their file. In the struggle to get the maximum out of every minute, the personal touch is lost, that personal connection with your patient, all for the almighty dollar. This clinic has always had the reputation of being the "friendliest and most caring staff" according to our patients but lately, all we hear are complaints about the doctor. All employees are either depressed or medicated and some of us have worked here 25-30 years and really don't know what to do about our physician. The doctor is constantly yelling at employees, interrupting employees during examinations with other patients..just bad behavior. We have even had patients start leaving now, one being a new patient that overheard the doctor cursing an employee. All of us are at our ropes end and don't want to quit but I am seeing a lawsuit in the future...which will be difficult because our physician's wife is an attorney.... HELP!


A: I am so sorry this is your experience at work. This is exactly why I put this site together. One thing you could do is post this quote:

'If you are determined to create a workplace of perfection, you will always create a culture of deception.'

This means that since perfection isn't possible, when a manager or person in charge insists on perfection, we are forced to lie, deceive, cover-up or do things to maintain this illusion.

A person who insists on perfection is actually struggling with self-hatred. Since humans are not capable of perfection, when this standard is pursued, the inevitable outcome is that they will fail. We all make mistakes. To insist on perfection therefore, sets us up for failure. It is self-sabotage.

Since we insist on this standard in ourselves, we then project this out to others. Since we can't trust ourselves to be perfect, we are hyper-vigilant in keeping this standard in the people around us. We cannot stand imperfection or mistakes, because we cannot stand it in ourselves. We have not made peace with our humanness, our flaws, and therefore we are intolerant of these in others.

Progress, not perfection, is the gold standard. When we are making progress, making things better, striving for excellence, we are at peace. When we insist on perfection, we suffer.

Stephanie Goddard Work Stress Solutions

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'Conscious Life News' Offerings

Conscious Life News has a lot of interesting articles on handling emotions and difficulties in relationships. Here's an example:

How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
by Judith Orloff MD

Emotions such as fear, anger, frustration, and immobility are energies. And you can potentially ‘catch’ these energies from people without realizing it. If you tend to be an emotional sponge, it’s vital to know how to avoid taking on an individual’s negative emotions, or even how to deflect the free-floating negativities in crowds.

Another twist is that chronic anxiety, depression, or stress can turn you into an emotional sponge by wearing down your defenses. Suddenly, you become hyper-attuned to others, especially suffering with similar pain. That’s how empathy works; we zero in on hot-button issues that are unresolved in ourselves.

From an energetic standpoint, negative emotions can originate from several sources: what you’re feeling may be your own; it may be someone else’s; or it may be a combination. Here is how to tell the difference and strategically bolster your positive emotions so you don’t shoulder negativity that doesn’t belong to you.

Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

1. Identify whether you’re susceptible. The person most likely to be overwhelmed by negative energies surrounding you is an “empath”, someone who acts as an “emotional sponge”. Signs that you might be an empath include:

People call you “hyper-sensitive”, “overly sensitive”, etc., and they don’t mean it as a compliment! You sense fear, anxiety, and stress from other people and draw this into your body, resolving them as your own physical pain and symptoms. It doesn’t have to be people you don’t know or don’t like; you’re also impacted by friends, family, and colleagues. You quickly feel exhausted, drained, and unhappy in the presence of crowds. Noise, smells, and excessive talking can set off your nerves and anxiety. You need to be alone to recharge your energy. You’re less likely to intellectualize what you’re feeling. Your feelings are easily hurt. You’re naturally giving, generous, spiritually inclined, and a good listener. You tend to ensure that you’ve got an escape plan, so that you can get away fast, such as bringing your own car to events, etc. The intimacy of close relationships can feel like suffocation or loss of your own self.

2. Seek the source. First, ask yourself whether the feeling is your own or someone else’s. It could be both. If the emotion such as fear or anger is yours, gently confront what’s causing it on your own or with professional help. If not, try to pinpoint the obvious generator.

For instance, if you’ve just watched a comedy, yet you came home from the movie theater feeling blue, you may have incorporated the depression of the people sitting beside you; in close proximity, energy fields overlap. The same is true with going to a mall or a packed concert. If crowded places upset or overwhelm you, it may well be because you’re absorbing all the negative energy around you.

3. Distance yourself from the suspected source, where possible. Move at least twenty feet away; see if you feel relief. Don’t err on the side of not wanting to offend strangers. In a public place, don’t hesitate to change seats if you feel a sense of depression imposing on you.

4. Center yourself by concentrating on your breath. Doing this connects you to your essence. For a few minutes, keep exhaling negativity, inhaling calm. This helps to ground yourself and purify fear or other difficult emotions. Visualize negativity as gray fog lifting from your body, and hope as golden light entering. This can yield quick results.

5. Flush out the harm. Negative emotions such as fear frequently lodge in your emotional center at the solar plexus (stomach area, celiac plexus).

Place your palm on your solar plexus as you keep sending loving-kindness to that area to flush stress out. For longstanding depression or anxiety, use this method daily to strengthen this center. It’s comforting and it builds a sense of safety and optimism as it becomes a ritual.

6. Shield yourself. A handy form of protection many people use, including healers with trying patients, involves visualizing an envelope of white light (or any color you feel imparts power) around your entire body. Think of it as a shield that blocks out negativity or physical discomfort but allows what’s positive to filter in.

7. Manage the emotional overload. You don’t need to be beholden to your ability to absorb other’s emotions; turn the curse into a gift by practicing strategies that can free you:

~Learn to recognize people who can bring you down. People who are particularly difficult for emotional empaths include criticizer, the victim, the narcissist, and the controller. Judith Orloff terms these people “emotional vampires”. When you know how to spot these behaviors, you can protect yourself against them, including removing yourself from their presence, and telling yourself that “I respect the person you are within even though I don’t like what you’re doing.”

~Eat a high protein meal before entering stressful situations such as being part of a crowd. When in a crowd, find places of refuge, such as sitting on the edges, or standing apart.

~Ensure that you don’t have to rely on other people to get you out of difficult situations. Bring your own car or know how to get home easily when needed. Have sufficient funds to be able to make alternate arrangements if you start feeling overwhelmed.

~Set time limits. Knowing how much you can stand and obeying that limit is vital to ensure your mental well-being. Also set kind but meaningful boundaries with others who overwhelm you; don’t stand around listening to them talking for two hours when you can only cope with half an hour.

~Have your own private place in a home shared with others. Ask others to respect your downtime during which you can rejuvenate. This is especially important to prevent you from taking on your partner’s feelings too much. A study, man cave, sewing room, reading nook, etc., all offer your own space.

~Practice meditation and mindfulness.

8. Look for positive people and situations. Call a friend who sees the good in others. Spend time with a colleague who affirms the bright side of things. Listen to hopeful people. Hear the faith they have in themselves and others. Also relish hopeful words, songs, and art forms. Hope is contagious and it will lift your mood.

Cultivate positive emotions that boost your inner strength. If you’re surrounded by [the positive], you’ll flourish as strongly as negative emotions cause you to wilt. Respecting your own needs through healthy self-[care] will increase your ability to respect others. Learn to use compassion as a way to defend yourself against overwhelming emotions. Compassion allows you to be empathetic to the plight of other people but also requires that you are compassionate toward yourself. This means that you don’t need to feel guilty about seeking respite from being overwhelmed; doing so ensures that you can be more engaged with others in the long run, rather than less so. It also means that you keep yourself whole by not immersing yourself in the world of negative people.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

What Works at Home Also Works at Work...

These sentences are suggestions for healing conflict in a relationship. Coworkers are in a relationship. Consider using one of these the next time you need to get things back on track:



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Video: This Is Water

This is a video I show in my stress management workshop and is also available on my website under "Videos." It's really all you need to stop stress in your life. It's a delightful little piece that comes from a commencement speech that went viral. Take a look. You will definitely benefit.



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The Power of NEGATIVE Thinking

The Antidote to Positive Thinking...is actually quite healthy. I like this guy.



And here's a link to some more of his thinking:

Against Positive Thinking: Uncertainty as the Secret of Happiness

Having studied under Positive Psychology pioneer Dr. Martin Seligman, and having read a great deal on the art-science of happiness and the role of optimism in well-being, I was at first incredulous of a book with the no doubt intentionally semi-scandalous title of The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking (public library). But, as it often turns out, author Oliver Burkeman argues for a much more sensible proposition — namely, that we’ve created a culture crippled by the fear of failure, and that the most important thing we can do to enhance our psychoemotional wellbeing is to embrace uncertainty.

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11 Scientific Ways to Be Happy

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'What Not to Wear' Meets 'Dress For Success'

This is the best definition of 'Dress for Success' I've ever read. Wearing your best isn't about deception. It's about representing your inner self accurately.

Clinton Kelly's Facebook Status March 9th, 2014:

I stopped filming “What Not to Wear” almost 10 months ago now. Honestly it feels like it was 3 weeks ago, and for some reason, I’ve had a thought coursing through my mind lately. I figured I would write it down and share it on Facebook, because … well, why the hell not. Here goes:

I don’t care what you wear. I really don’t. And I don’t care what you think of what I wear. I really don’t. I care what I wear. And I think you should care about what you wear.

Your style can make you happy, and even though I don’t know you, I’d like you to be happy, because as a human being, you deserve to be happy. Clothes won’t make you happy in that really deep, profound way. A solid core of happiness, I believe, comes from expressing love to those who deserve it and accepting love from others because you know you deserve it.

Nevertheless, clothes can make you happy in an important way.

Your personal style is a form of nonverbal communication, just like your facial expressions and your body language. If someone were to smile while giving you some really bad news, you would feel especially uncomfortable. If an acquaintance invited you to her house for a friendly lunch and then sat with her arms folded and legs crossed, you would think something was amiss. Similarly, when your clothes do not match who you are as a person, you and others around you experience a lack of harmony, a dissonance.

It’s hard to convince others -- but more importantly yourself -- that you are a vibrant human being when you look like you can barely convince yourself to roll out of bed in the morning.

And for the record, dissonance works both ways. A $5,000 suits doesn't prove to others -- or yourself -- that you're a good guy if in fact, you're actually a jackass.

I guess I want you to know that you control your nonverbal messaging. And when you feel as though the message you want to be sending to the rest of the world is in harmony with the message you are actually sending, you feel more confident, more at peace, and quite frankly, happier.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Fear of Anger - Yours and Others

Great article on the biggest stressor of all: ANGER.

Are you terrified of others' anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control? If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others' anger.

Fear of Others' Anger

I grew up with a very angry mother and I was terrified of her anger. Her anger was irrational and it came out of nowhere. My whole body used to shake when she got angry.

For years as an adult, I continued to be terrified of anger, as I had no idea how to take care of myself in the face of another's anger. When you don't know how to respond to another's anger, your fight, flight or freeze response gets activated, and for me it was freeze. I would become so frozen that I was unable to say much at all. When I could talk again, I would try to explain, defend, or scurry around trying to please.

Now I'm no longer afraid of others' anger. I still shake inside if the anger is irrational, and now I know the shaking is my inner guidance letting me know that danger is occurring, and I listen carefully to what my inner guidance is telling me.

I'm no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage. If I think the person might open with me, I gently say, "I hear that you are angry and I'd like to understand why you are angry, but it will be much easier for me to hear you if you stop attacking me."

If I'm pretty sure that the person won't open, then I say something like, "This feels hurtful so I'm going to take a walk. Let me know when you are ready to talk without blaming me."

The fact that I can now do one of these two things takes away my fear. My inner child knows that I, as a loving adult, am going to take care of the situation so that she isn't hurt by it as she was as a child.

Fear of Your Anger

Many people who grew up with violence do not want to be anything like their angry parent or caregiver. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will become irrational and hurtful like some of the adults were when they were growing up.

If you have this fear, it is important for you to understand the difference between anger intent on controlling - which comes from an out of control wounded person and is very scary - and anger intent on learning. When your intent is to learn from your anger rather than dump it on someone else in the form of attack and blame, then you embrace your angry feelings as information. Your angry feelings are telling you that there is some way you are not taking care of yourself - some way you are abandoning yourself. When you consistently move into learning from your anger rather than act it out on others, you lose your fear of your anger.

All our emotions are informational, and our anger is no different. When you open to learning from your own anger, and you open to learning with another who is angry or you lovingly disengage, you will heal your fear of anger.

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I'm no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage.

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See website of author Dr. Margaret Paul for more on ANGER.


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The Cost of Stress

Courtesy of: EnMast.com

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Two Big Mistakes

I recently declared my New Year's resolution and it may surprise some, but not those that are frequent readers of my blog and website. I am resolved to embrace my imperfectness in 2014.

Perfection is something I've written about in the past, and mostly it amounts to one thing: self-hatred. I like to say that. And I say it often in my workshops. It's a bit of a slap, and it makes people pay attention to what I say next.

We spend a lot of time and money chasing perfection. We do it in the school system, in the workplace, with our families, to our bodies. It's an impossible standard, we know it, and yet we still think we can hit it if we just try a little harder and stay positive.

And then it happens. We sweat and strain and hide and pretend and even lie...so that we appear perfect and then we inevitably make a mistake. Next, our entire self-worth comes tumbling down---usually with an audience of perfectionistic-seekers---who are more than happy to shift the focus off of themselves and emphasize this fall from grace. Oh, for shame. You aren't perfect.

The author of "In Search for Excellence," Tom Peters, based his book on the research around risk taking, problem solving, decision making and mistakes. He found that if we take risks, stretch outside our comfort zone, try for something bigger and better, we will make two big mistakes a year. He followed big decision-makers around like CEOs and politicians and noted that those who used extensive research and problem solving techniques and strategic planning were still going to be playing the odds of fate or partial information or just simply not knowing what the future holds and would make two big mistakes a year.

What did he find when he followed and charted and studied those who played it safe, kept in their comfort zone, focused on what was known and sure? That these people would also make two mistakes a year. So the reader was urged to embrace these two mistakes, anticipate them even.

I think we would serve ourselves better by being ready for mistakes and put our energies into the correction when they come, rather than attempting perfection in the first place. The effort is enormous, the cost is dear and it doesn't work (in case that matters to anyone). Let the people in your workplaces and your homes know that you are a safe place for reporting mistakes. That you will participate in the clean-up. That you will not shame or blame when the inevitable happens, but instead use the energy to repair and rebuild what was damaged.

That's the recipe for trust and ensuring excellence. That's the recipe for emotionally healthy groups, companies and families. Excellence is possible. Better outcomes are out there. And they are far more likely to arise when people are calm and assured of support when they make a misstep rather then being ostracized, rejected and left alone to handle their imperfect humanness.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.