The Only Stressful Thought

The Only Stressful Thought

“Happiness is a continuation of happenings which are not resisted.”
Deepak Chopra, author, inspirational speaker, physician

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

This is something we all say to ourselves at some point, on any given day, and probably several times every day. It could be the spilled drink, the traffic jam, or that just-noticed belly pooch. The inevitable emotion that is felt when we think the thought, “This shouldn’t be happening” is stress, anger, even depression.

Why do we resist what is? Why don’t we see clearly that traffic jams and someone’s political opinion are not in our control? Why do we move out of our own business and move into someone else’s? (“You shouldn’t have spilled that milk!”).

I ponder this question often these days. In my own quest for peace and happiness, I’ve come to realize that almost all of my pain and discomfort comes from just this one thought, though it sounds like many, many other reasons. And my purpose in writing this article to you, and for you, is really to answer the question for myself.

I know for me, I seem to believe I must feel intense irritation (and even self-loathing) to get truly motivated to change something. I judge myself, therefore, to get myself motivated to do the thing that will stop me from judging myself. Now, is that sane? Is that the way to self-acceptance and acceptance in general? At 46 years old, I will tell you this: it hasn’t worked yet. And I believe a much-wiser person than I, Albert Einstein, said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”

So if self-flagellation has not created self-discipline for me (and I know the same is true for those people in my life who have let me in to their inner world and to see them honestly), then why are we doing it? Why are we resisting ourselves, each other, and reality?

Control Freaks Apply Here!

The word that keeps wanting to be typed here is “control.” If I can control events then I will feel happy and at peace. Is that even true? What if I got exactly what I wanted, with the snap of a finger, an affirmation repeated over and over, or a ritual performed under the full moon? What if everything in my life was exactly as I wished it right now? Would that bring me happiness? Finally?

The only honest answer I can give is: “I don’t know.” Because I don’t, and you don’t. I have received what I wished for on occasion---in fact, often---and sometimes it made me happy. And sometimes, over time, it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. This “gift” of experience and time has allowed for one thing, and that’s humility (that came courtesy of a dash of humiliation). I don’t know what’s best for me, or for you, or for right now.

I have no control at all. Even as I type this, my chair could collapse, or my boss could come in, shut the door and tell me my job has been eliminated. My son could be hurt. My identity stolen. Many, many things could be happening that would make me less happy than I am right now. And, it’s worth mentioning, many things could happen that would make my situation right this minute, better.

But apparently, I’m not doing any of it. My actions, my thoughts, my feelings…I can’t say that they are really even a function of cause and effect. The only thing that works for me is this:

There is another way of looking at this.

And this is also reality...this is ALWAYS true. And it's always in your control.

And so whenever I’m disturbed or stressed, that is what I spend my energy ‘doing’ about it. I try to not judge, or complain, or pout (or more accurately, I STOP doing those things and switch gears). Instead, I choose to see another view, any view, that will make me feel some modicum of peace.

This SHOULD be happening, because it is. How’s that for another way of looking at things? Try it. The worst that can happen is that reality stays put. And as far as I can tell, that’s its plan anyway.

And who am I to get in the way? Who are you? Are we powerful enough to change reality?

Choose to see things differently--just for today. Turn the other cheek, if you will, and see things from a different, kinder, gentler perspective. The only thing you have to lose is your stress.

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Training Ourselves to See Right from Wrong

Day Five. Today's focus is to notice what is RIGHT. Make a game of this or you may lose your focus and return to noticing what isn't right. Notice, count, seek out that which is already fine. Our training is to look for problems, to make things better, to find the bump in the landscape. Useful in some situations, but agony if turned to "ON" at all times. See that your coffee maker worked just now, your car turned on, you got to work on time, and so did he, and her, and that guy...all day today.

Got it?

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Breaking the Habit of Being Right

Day Four.

A bit more proactive today. Keep a focus on not knowing. The thought is "I don't know for sure, either way." When you notice you have an opinion, wait to voice it. Ask questions about the other views. Keep your opinion to yourself until it is requested. Work to seek the BEST option vs. sharing your option.

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the ...habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)

Share with us your insights, progress and any setbacks in the COMMENTS ON THIS TOPIC box below. All are useful in the breaking down of a habit and the building of a new one. With everyone you communicate with, even your children, stay aware and open to the other's view. Don't keep putting your opinion so strongly into conversations. See if you can wait until you are asked for it. It may not be asked for at all, and this can be a very interesting discovery in and of itself.

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Cultural Conditioning and Being Right

Day Three.

“Character comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.”
~Peter T. McIntyre

Well, we're not there yet, at only three days in, but we are starting to see how insidious this being right stuff is. One more day of noticing, but with a twist:

Today, realize that you were conditioned by your parents to be right (or you were punished) and your teachers (they even sent home an official little card to show how right or wrong you were), but when we get into adult relationships and careers, being right is the kiss of death when it comes to being someone you can TRUST. And TRUST, is the ultimate test of any quality relationship (love is a distant second---more about that later).

As you go about your day, CONTINUING to NOTICE how you label things as right or wrong, and get unhappy when you choose "wrong", also notice where you are saying to yourself, "He/she has to be right. Ha! I'm so much more evolved than that one. I know about this being right nonsense now." It's just you, still trying to be right and making another person wrong.

Just notice. And....try not to be right today!

P.M. Entry

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)


See Work Stress Solutions for LOTS more like this...

Being Wrong: Day Two of the 30-Day Challenge

Day Two. Right vs. Wrong Challenge. Today, I'd like to continue to increase your awareness (and mine) about how much time and energy we place on categorizing things as right or wrong. And how angry it makes us when we decide "wrong." Perhaps you can do this mentally, but I'm betting you will have a bigger light bulb moment if you keep manual track. A Post-It and a pen by your side today? Notice when you listen to the news, while commuting, in the office, at home, reading emails, reading Facebook...how often do you get an charge of some kind of DISCOMFORT because you labeled something WRONG. Never mind the charge that we get when we SAY it. For today, I want you to notice how prevalent it is in your thinking and how unhappy it makes YOU and no one else.

Afternoon Follow Up:

Remember to note the drivers' wrong-doings on your commute. Notice how often you correct your kids tonight vs. just letting them figure it out on their own "for their own good". With your loved ones, notice the way the direction of your small talk goes---do you go straight to the negative, the news, the dramas of your workplace? How 'bout comments in emails or Facebook. Do you feel the itch to straighten someone out? Do they need a good dose of YOUR opinion?? Write it down!

See more articles and posts like this one on Work Stress Solutions.Com.

Day One of 30-Day Challenge : Our Irresistible Need to Be Right

Day One of our "When Being Right is Wrong" Challenge.

Dr. Robert Bolten, of the bestselling "People Skills" said this about his twenty-five year research on conflict: "Over 95% of all conflict stems from our own irresistible need to be right."

Today, just NOTICE (it's only Day One!) where you need to be right. Notice how you can't STAND to be thought wrong. Notice how you mentally yell at yourself for a mistake. Just NOTICE today (and share any insights with us, please!)

AFTERNOON FOLLOW-UP:

At 5pm on Day One of the "Don't Be Right" challenge, check in with yourself. How did you do? Did you catch yourself struggling with inserting your opinion, being irritated with someone who didn't share your view? Did you notice how often other people (unknowingly) make you wrong in an effort to make themselves right? Share with all of us... what you did that was successful and what you learned when you weren't.

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When Being Right is Wrong...

When Being Right is Wrong...

In my private practice and in my public workshops, I have discovered one thing: Everyone's problem is coming from just one thought...

This thing/guy/situation is WRONG and I am right.

And because this just can't be true for everyone, or anyone, many of us on Facebook took on a 30-Day Challenge to NOT be right. Yep. To be wrong.

Or at least to see that being right is never the highest prize. That building trust is where we find satisfaction in our key relationships. And forcing our rightness, our opinion, our judgment on another is never a trust-builder. Apologizing, admitting mistakes, correcting our errors are always the way to go (and means we were wrong, by the way).

Follow our attempt to change our habit (28 days) and add two more days for good measure, and work on doing the right thing, by not being right.

See Work Stress Solutions for all 30 days...