Not Knowing : When is "I Don't Know" the Right Answer?

Part of our desire (maybe ALL of our desire) to be right is making sense of the world, people's actions, illness, etc. When we can spend a large part of our lives in the state of "I don't know" we may at first feel powerless or even stupid, but this position can be the most powerful and wise of all.


When we are willing to say, "I don't know" we allow for things to unfold as they should, without our interference. We don't make our happiness contingent on our best guess. We don't force others to think like we do, out of fear that if they don't, we are wrong, and we will somehow become unhappy because our best guess was not what happened.

Try spending part of today in "I-don't-know"-land and notice your internal response. Also notice that no one thinks less of you. Do I know it will turn out this way? I don't know. But I DO know that the position of "I know almost everything and you better listen" is a painful and destructive mindset (and also happens to not be true).



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Humility

Is the experience of humility something you are familiar with? If not, perhaps a clearer framework for "right" and "wrong" will help shift you even more? This thing about being right...it's mostly opinion. It's mostly a guess. It's mostly theory.


When we put a lot of time and emotion into the THEORY we become very attached to it. It becomes a part of our self-definition. We are defending OURSELVES when we really mean to defend our opinion, our view, our best guess.

And that's where things breakdown for you/me/us. There may be a few absolutes that we can PROVE, (and I mean you better be able to prove it like MATH), but the rest is just how you want it to go.


And you can't know that your way--you can't absolutely know for sure--is the best way. It's an act of humility to finally get this. Humility. The mother of all virtues. Humility and integrity and trust...they all live together. You can't separate one from the other once these become where you put your time and emotion.







See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Are Wrong!!

The title got your attention, didn't it? And NOT in a good way.


Aren't you feeling a little agitation right now? I bet you are. This is the normal response to being told we are WRONG. Your intention in reading further may even be to prove to me that you are NOT wrong, but quite right. And you don't even know what we are talking about yet!


This attitude is why we have conflict. Conflict is caused by the desire to be right. Think about an argument you have recently had. Was it with your spouse, co-worker or who was next in line at Target? It doesn't matter WHO is was, or what you THINK about them, or even what the actual FACTS were. What generated the conflict was your need to prove you were right about whatever happened.


In any given situation that involves conflict (whether that is aggressive conflict or polite conflict, it hardly matters) you would be better off in the long run to give up your irresistible need to be right EVERY TIME. You may wish to fight to the death on some issue that is important to you---and those fights are likely the ones that define who you are and what you stand for. But when you are fighting over who took the garbage our last or were you the next one in line, you may need to see where your need to be right is getting in your way.


Dr. Robert Bolten, bestselling author of "People Skills" states, "My research indicates that 95% of all conflict stems from our irresistible need to be right. Our conflict would greatly diminish if we gave up this mindset."


So how do we go about changing this mindset? Following are a couple of quotes based on Dr. Stephen Covey's Work (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) and to take a quote from this list and put it to work for you. Place it on your computer screen, as a screensaver or post if somewhere you will see often like the bathroom mirror.


"Assertiveness is defined as courage balanced with consideration." My interpretation: Have the guts to stand up for yourself, but do it with some manners.


"What is more important ? To be right in your relationships or to be effective in them?" My interpretation: On your deathbed, will your last words be "I was loved" or "I was right" ?


Excerpt #70 from my book "101 Ways to Love Your Job."


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Being Wrong: Day Two of the 30-Day Challenge

Day Two. Right vs. Wrong Challenge. Today, I'd like to continue to increase your awareness (and mine) about how much time and energy we place on categorizing things as right or wrong. And how angry it makes us when we decide "wrong." Perhaps you can do this mentally, but I'm betting you will have a bigger light bulb moment if you keep manual track. A Post-It and a pen by your side today? Notice when you listen to the news, while commuting, in the office, at home, reading emails, reading Facebook...how often do you get an charge of some kind of DISCOMFORT because you labeled something WRONG. Never mind the charge that we get when we SAY it. For today, I want you to notice how prevalent it is in your thinking and how unhappy it makes YOU and no one else.

Afternoon Follow Up:

Remember to note the drivers' wrong-doings on your commute. Notice how often you correct your kids tonight vs. just letting them figure it out on their own "for their own good". With your loved ones, notice the way the direction of your small talk goes---do you go straight to the negative, the news, the dramas of your workplace? How 'bout comments in emails or Facebook. Do you feel the itch to straighten someone out? Do they need a good dose of YOUR opinion?? Write it down!

See more articles and posts like this one on Work Stress Solutions.Com.

Day One of 30-Day Challenge : Our Irresistible Need to Be Right

Day One of our "When Being Right is Wrong" Challenge.

Dr. Robert Bolten, of the bestselling "People Skills" said this about his twenty-five year research on conflict: "Over 95% of all conflict stems from our own irresistible need to be right."

Today, just NOTICE (it's only Day One!) where you need to be right. Notice how you can't STAND to be thought wrong. Notice how you mentally yell at yourself for a mistake. Just NOTICE today (and share any insights with us, please!)

AFTERNOON FOLLOW-UP:

At 5pm on Day One of the "Don't Be Right" challenge, check in with yourself. How did you do? Did you catch yourself struggling with inserting your opinion, being irritated with someone who didn't share your view? Did you notice how often other people (unknowingly) make you wrong in an effort to make themselves right? Share with all of us... what you did that was successful and what you learned when you weren't.

See Work Stress Solutions.Com for more articles like this one.

When Being Right is Wrong...

When Being Right is Wrong...

In my private practice and in my public workshops, I have discovered one thing: Everyone's problem is coming from just one thought...

This thing/guy/situation is WRONG and I am right.

And because this just can't be true for everyone, or anyone, many of us on Facebook took on a 30-Day Challenge to NOT be right. Yep. To be wrong.

Or at least to see that being right is never the highest prize. That building trust is where we find satisfaction in our key relationships. And forcing our rightness, our opinion, our judgment on another is never a trust-builder. Apologizing, admitting mistakes, correcting our errors are always the way to go (and means we were wrong, by the way).

Follow our attempt to change our habit (28 days) and add two more days for good measure, and work on doing the right thing, by not being right.

See Work Stress Solutions for all 30 days...