An actual conversation on Facebook....
Q: Can you imagine a friend or coworker doing that to you?
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A: My friends - even some who were only acquaintances - were far more interested in helping me; truly just helping me with no strings or baggage attached. One of my brothers is avoiding family gatherings now because he's mad that I set a boundary and have distanced myself from him. Same thing regarding drama - I didn't engage in it - I just decided I needed to step away because he and his wife were disrespectful.
Q: I always find it interesting that when one sets a boundary---which is just another way of saying, "I insist on being treated with respect and dignity," that someone would pout about this or be angered by it. What is the message? I want to keep making you feel like badly? I like making you feel awful and I don't want to stop? Your discomfort is less important to me than my discomfort?
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It's like when these same family members call me/you selfish. Selfish is the most shaming word. And those of us who are sensitive to others don't want to ever be seen as non-giving or withholding (selfish) so it works great! But the one calling us selfish is actually the selfish party! They are saying, "I like things like they are, even though you don't, and I insist we keep it like this." Isn't that actually the definition of selfish? I want it like I want it?
A: Not that I was keeping a scoreboard, but pretty much every time he asked me for help, I helped. I was under the impression that when family asks for help, you simply say, 'Sure. What do you need?' So after the 4th time he said he wouldn't help, I set the boundary that I don't want to interact with him anymore. I didn't throw a fit, complain, beg... I just backed away. Apparently, I was supposed to just keep accepting that behavior and pretend it was fine. I wouldn't have a problem if he and his family were at a family gathering; I'd be courteous, but I guess he doesn't feel like he could do the same.
Q: What's true is that he's actually thinking about his behavior and the effect it had/the consequences. He may have too much pride right now to admit it. I'm wondering if you give it just a little time, and asked him for help, if he would do it now. Kind of like letting him have a little dignity (even though you would have to risk being rejected again).
