Maybe. I'm obviously paraphrasing Bruce here...but let me fill you in on my reasoning.
In my work, I've followed the research on anger most of all. Anger is the thing everyone signs up for my classes to avoid or remedy. It's the main theme for ALL of the interpersonal skill programs. How to avoid this result. The damage it does.
At first, the literature said: Let it all hang out; don't hold back. It's bad for you, it's not healthy. So, we all did. And that got a result...one most of us did not appreciate. One that did damage, esp. in the workplace. Lately, the research says the opposite: To indulge your anger, creates adrenaline neuropathways, that BEG to be fed, once laid down. And then we create situations to allow ourselves to anger/rage. It feels good at the time. And we all know how it feels afterward: mostly shaming, regretful, left cleaning up the consequences.
I've been thinking about this for some time now. I've noticed my relationships have only suffered, never repaired to their former state, much more damage done than benefit found.
I'm not sure what I want any of you to do with this. I'm just noticing the evolution in myself. I'm gonna continue to notice and will report anything I find that works for me...as always.
I can recommend just about EVERYTHING that Albert Ellis wrote. He wrote a lot..so that should keep you busy. He's got several books on anger and how to unplug from it.
If you follow this blog regularly, you know how adamant I am about self-care and that this is never selfish....and that the only selfish person in the room is the one calling YOU selfish (test that out---it never fails to be true).
My favorite teacher (Benjamin Smythe) has a new video on anger, selfishness, boundaries and respect. He's always brutally, refreshingly, humorously on target.
Anger is perhaps the one and only reason you are reading this blog, seeking answers to your work stress. Anger is so damaging and so hard to contain that when it occurs it can feel like an entity or a current from out of nowhere. After it subsides, we often are left scratching our heads asking ourselves, "What was THAT about?"
Well, to begin to answer the question of "What was THAT?" I have done years of work on my own anger. I come from a long line of angry people. And it scared me to be raised in that environment, but that didn't keep me from displaying anger as an adult. In fact, I could really see the USE of anger sometimes. I mean, you WILL get some attention in a customer service situation, correct?
But in time, it became too damaging to my own self-image and my relationships in general. I could no longer reconcile my anger and my values. After years of research and training---in reality crafting an entire career in pursuit of the answer to, "How can I control my anger?"---I have found my answer (and share it in the hope that it will be your answer too).
This answer may or may not work for you. But if you give this answer a chance, I believe you will find what I have found:
It really isn't YOU that is angry.
The biggest problem with anger is the self-judgment and judgment from others after an explosion of anger takes place. We judge ourselves in hopes that this will keep it from happening again. And I say "It" quite intentionally.
Anger can feel like something bigger and stronger than us. It feels out of our control. It comes in no matter what types of resolutions and commitments to change we have made, and does what it has always done, much to our dismay.
So what do we do?
The Pain Body
Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" doesn't so much speak of anger when he describes something he calls "The Pain Body." Eckhart's work describes an accumulation of pain and hurt and negative emotion---accumulated over many years but never consciously integrated into our bodies---that eventually starts to feel (and act) like an independent entity out of your control.
The Pain Body is usually in play when a repeated reaction to people and problems is well-out of proportion to the situation. It seems to literally take over your mind and body making you say and do things that you know you will regret, but you just can't seem to help yourself. Tolle states that when this dissociative anger is seen through the perception of "It's my pain body" that it starts to dissolve on its own. Anger still happens, but it happens less and less, until ultimately you are responding in the present and no longer reacting to old scripts and patterns.
So what are the details of the Pain Body, and what exactly do we do to stop it? I could continue here with my own interpretation, but the source of this discovery is much better at it than I am. Eckhart and Oprah discuss the pain body in the webcast of his book "The New Earth" in Chapter Five/Webcast Five. I find selecting the closed caption to be very helpful to follow the conversation, by the way. Here is the link:
If you don't have the time for this webcast, there is a very short video (6:22), that also does the job nicely (Eckhart's voice is the narrator):
Ultimately, you will start to put your conscious attention on the Pain Body---not "your" anger, but this pained entity---and it will happen less and less (not right away, but soon enough after your conscious attention is placed there repeatedly). Hey, if this sounds silly or too far-out, fine. But at least try it. If it doesn't work, you are only right back where you started from: angry.
Emotions are not the enemy. The term "professionalism" has always been about not having, and therefore not showing, emotions (at least not the ones that we find unattractive). And our coworkers FEEL very strongly about this!
Instead of avoiding emotions, try leaning into them. I'm not saying express them---that was the flawed advice of the '70s pop psychologists (who were definitely on the right track). We've all regretted EXPRESSING an emotion in public. Expression and acceptance are not the same thing.
The only way to move through, and end, unwanted emotion is to sit and FEEL THE HECK out of it. Quietly. Alone. Until it's all over. Sound nuts? Try it. You'll see.
According to Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process, "Many of us do not even realize we are living almost exclusively in the mental plane and that our increasing confusion, frustration and sense of hopelessness arise directly from this misplaced reliance."
This obsession with your thoughts (in order to control emotion) ultimately creates boredom. That's because you won't feel the bad feelings and therefore you can't feel the good ones either. You (and I) can be just as resistant to the good feelings because, like anger or sadness, we fear we will lose control if we let in joy or awe without parameters. Being in control via your thoughts creates a nice, safe, consistent, predictable... BORED...person. You can take it. FEEL IT ALL right where you sit. Just let your boredom, worry, sadness, anger, joy, hope, relief...let it all happen in your body.
You can't THINK your way out of emotion. You have to FEEL it. Until it's felt, it will stick around. And let these feelings be okay. It's all just coming and going anyway.
Many people's lives are constantly punctuated with little fits or tantrums in which they express their rejection of what's happening. What are the thoughts that come at these moments? "I'm hopeless," "If he hadn't done that....," "She always...," "I knew better than to do this."
Many of these thoughts are about what you would have done if you'd known better, or seen it coming, or remembered. You think that if you had done something other than what you did, you could have stayed in control of events. "Oh sh*t!" marks the point where reality and your plan parted ways. Things don't seem to be going your way, and to the best of your ability you're going to fight reality, even if all you can do is swear, kick a rock, or give someone you love a hard time.
The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what's going to happen next. That way, you're pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, and you're pleasantly surprised when they don't. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them and the old plans don't stop you from moving ahead, from flowing efficiently into the life beyond your schemes and expectations.
Noticing and counting the beautiful reasons unexpected things happen for us ends the mystery. If you miss the real reasons, the benevolent reasons that coincide with kind nature, then count on depression to let you know that you missed them. Anger, frustration, and aggressive reasons can always be imagined---and what for? People who aren't interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right.
But that apparent rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So "counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me" isn't a game. It's an exercise in observing the nature of life. It's a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.
Excerpt from Byron Katie's : "I Need Your Love---Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead"
