Approval Seeking: One Way We Create Stress and Anxiety

Many people struggle with the "Disease to Please," and this blog entry by Adam Pearson is very helpful in sharing why we do it, what is behind it and how to stop it.

Here's a taste:

If we don’t feel worthy by default, then we need to lovingly cultivate the belief that we are worthy. We need to treat ourselves with the same respect that we offer to others. We need to recognize that we, like everybody else, deserve to be loved and to belong. We need to realize that we have value within us that does not need to be externally validated, that we are enough, and that we can find our value in ourselves. And we need to see our own worthiness so clearly that we no longer need to go hustle others for approval because we already approve of ourselves. We no longer need others to validate us because we already validate ourselves. If you’re in the midst of shame, this may sound like a distant reality from what you are experiencing, but as a recovering approval seeker, let me tell you that it is achievable. You’re not alone. You can do this.

He shares the antidotes to approval seeking as well: Shame-Resilience, Compassionate Self-Talk, and Cultivating Worthiness. Check it out. This may be just the thing to lower the stress levels and anxiety that comparison and people-pleasing can generate.

Silencing The Praise

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Are You Listening to Me????

It's Not Personal, It's Protection

What came up for me this morning, to write to you, was a technique or trick I use to deal with almost EVERYONE. It's ideally used all-day, almost non-stop, with everyone---not just the difficult people in your life.


I imagine everyone that comes into my line of sight as they may have been as a child. The director, flustered, irritated, in a hurry to get budget information to the higher-ups? She's now 9-years-old and in a Brownie uniform. The guy who just cut me off and FLIPPED me off in traffic? He can't even see over the wheel in my mind's eye...he's in overalls and has a cowlick and fudgsicle smears all over his face.

Why do I do this? It reminds me that at the core we are all vulnerable, ashamed of something, hiding parts of ourselves, terrified that we will lose connection with our tribes. So we create these tough-guy masks. Or these "I'm very important" masks. It's not personal. It's protection.


I know that's true for me. And I keep a picture of myself at 5 years old in my bedroom and pass it every day. I often stop and look at this picture and see the happiest of smiles (missing three teeth), the tousled hair in barrettes that I'm sure I thought was looking quite grown-up...her. She's still in me. And I have put tons of armor in place (or she did---it's hard to know at this point).


Will you try this today and see if it helps you? This is one of the "hows" I am offering to the "What" we so often hear : the only thing you can change is yourself.




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See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Stress and Work Relationships

The Four Human Needs include the physical, emotional, the intellectual and spiritual. Let's focus on ....

Emotional/Social

We are pack animals. Many of us (introverts) prefer spending a lot of time alone, but we get VERY WEIRD (not to get too technical about it) when we spend day after day alone. We need interaction with others for proper brain function. Work provides plenty of this, of course, but it provides much more than just social stimulation.

Current studies are showing employers that office friendships have a direct correlation to employee satisfaction. Where once employers shunned group lunches and socializing after hours, we now know that this reduces turnover and markedly lowers stress levels in employees.

Moreover, we go through divorces, babies, deaths of parents, marriages and many other human experiences with our co-workers. Baby showers and birthday lunches are a normal part of office interaction today.

All of this meets (significantly meets) our social and emotional needs as humans. So, once again, we can check this off our list and be thankful for our workplace commutes and even see office politics in a new light.

More on the Four Human Needs