Don't Believe Everything You Think

It seems to me, that no one is noticing the elephant in the human living room. Thoughts. I don’t seem to be in control of them, and they just keep on coming. I have spent what seems a lifetime trying to control them, their content, and their quality. I have meditated, done affirmations, insisted on thinking positively all day long, journaled and been to therapy. And none of it has changed one thing.



Since I’m not one to sit around after 30 years of effort and tell myself, “Try harder,” I decided to investigate this private realization. As it would happen, this “you are in charge of your thoughts” declaration is absolutely not true. But you knew that already.



What we CAN control is our response to these thoughts. But these thoughts just come on in, unbidden. You can purposely think a statement or affirmation, sure, but what gave you the thought to think it? Ha! Gotcha. It just popped in, right?



Jung had a term called the Collective Unconscious; the Vendata Community has a term, “the causal body.” Both of these explain that thoughts are coming from SOMEWHERE (call it God, Reality or from the Great Beyond), but they are not originating FROM YOU. You are BEING thought!



You’ll notice you are digesting food and taking in air in the very same way. It’s just happening. Your agreement with these processes is not required. It will happen with or without your vote. Sit for a moment and notice this.



So, what is my point?



Well, I had, er, a THOUGHT ‘came in’ that suggested that I write an article about this to you; to allow others to have access to this same insight. At this point, this information may seem like AWFUL news, because you apparently don’t have control over your thoughts. But isn’t this realization also kind of freeing?



If you are not the thinker, than you can just observe the thoughts, and decide (you still have free will) which ones to emotionally or physically respond to. So, you can have a feeling or execute an action. Or you can dismiss the thought altogether.



Byron Katie, of “the Work” fame, anchors her entire program on this premise. She tells us that every stressful thought is a lie. Doesn’t that sound INSULTING at first glance? But what she means is, if the thought is upsetting to us, it isn’t true. It is going against reality or our own truth or both.



“I’m too fat and ugly” could be a thought that pops in when you look in the mirror. Is that true? Are you really TOO fat? Are you considered ugly by everyone? Even your dog? Well, maybe you could lose some weight, but currently, you are as big or small as you are. It’s just a fact. You’re alive and seem to be mobile (you walked by a mirror, right?) so perhaps the definition of fat is subjective. Are you REALLY grossed out by yourself or are you trying to program your view to match some societal opinion that is repeated a lot on TV and at night clubs?



If the circumstances were different and you were on a deserted island with no food, are you too fat now? Or are you properly equipped to withstand isolation until help arrives (compared to your size 5 friend who is definitely not gonna make it past the first month?).



Yes, yes, I hear you. You think this is crazy and will keep you alone and judged by your neighbors and co-workers if you adopt this new way of viewing thoughts. These various people that walk around noticing your outfits and your hair and your butt (and seem to be very important to you---maybe more important than YOU are to you). They really are focused on YOU, aren’t they?? Well, since you have been trying to please them since you were about 12 years old, and haven’t really measured up consistently –if ever---what do you say we stop worrying about the thoughts THEY have randomly entering their brains and focus on the ones randomly entering yours?



Because I have to tell ya, it is actually a lot of FUN to watch them pop in and out all day. And knowing I get to decide which one to attend to and which one to ignore, makes me feel VERY In charge, not out of control. How about trying it my way?



It’s just a thought…:)

"A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years."

— Byron Katie (Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life)



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Are Wrong!!

The title got your attention, didn't it? And NOT in a good way.


Aren't you feeling a little agitation right now? I bet you are. This is the normal response to being told we are WRONG. Your intention in reading further may even be to prove to me that you are NOT wrong, but quite right. And you don't even know what we are talking about yet!


This attitude is why we have conflict. Conflict is caused by the desire to be right. Think about an argument you have recently had. Was it with your spouse, co-worker or who was next in line at Target? It doesn't matter WHO is was, or what you THINK about them, or even what the actual FACTS were. What generated the conflict was your need to prove you were right about whatever happened.


In any given situation that involves conflict (whether that is aggressive conflict or polite conflict, it hardly matters) you would be better off in the long run to give up your irresistible need to be right EVERY TIME. You may wish to fight to the death on some issue that is important to you---and those fights are likely the ones that define who you are and what you stand for. But when you are fighting over who took the garbage our last or were you the next one in line, you may need to see where your need to be right is getting in your way.


Dr. Robert Bolten, bestselling author of "People Skills" states, "My research indicates that 95% of all conflict stems from our irresistible need to be right. Our conflict would greatly diminish if we gave up this mindset."


So how do we go about changing this mindset? Following are a couple of quotes based on Dr. Stephen Covey's Work (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) and to take a quote from this list and put it to work for you. Place it on your computer screen, as a screensaver or post if somewhere you will see often like the bathroom mirror.


"Assertiveness is defined as courage balanced with consideration." My interpretation: Have the guts to stand up for yourself, but do it with some manners.


"What is more important ? To be right in your relationships or to be effective in them?" My interpretation: On your deathbed, will your last words be "I was loved" or "I was right" ?


Excerpt #70 from my book "101 Ways to Love Your Job."


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Word Choice in Conflict

"We are a master of the words we think,
and a slave to the words we speak." ~Zen saying

I speak for a living. Words are my bread and butter. And even I have problems with word choice when it comes to dealing with conflict in the workplace. While we can't possibly control everything that comes out of our mouths, there are some words to AVOID and a way to practice a conversation if we know it's coming.


*Word to Avoid When Dealing with Difficult Co-Workers*

But, However, Although

These are actually all the same word. It is the use of one of these words that negates anything said prior to them. It sounds something like this:

"You're doing a really good job here, but...."

The listener automatically knows that what you said prior to the BUT is not true, or less true, than what you are about to say. It angers people because it feels manipulative (and that's probably because it is an attempt to manipulate better reception of your negative comment).


What to say instead? AND. "You're doing a really good job here AND here are some things you could do even better..." Makes all the difference.

Never and Always

These words are absolutes, and they diminish a person's inherent complexity when used to describe behaviors. It sounds like this:

"You are NEVER on time....You are ALWAYS late..."

This starts an argument, because this isn't true. You aren't using facts, you are essentially name-calling. If you need to discuss someone's behavior, it would behoove you to use FACTS or DATA instead of ABSOLUTES. This conversation may sound like:

"You have been late four out of the last five days..."

Now, we can have a factual conversation instead of borderline slander.


Practicing Difficult Conversations

If you have the luxury of knowing a difficult conversation is coming your way, there are two ways to practice (and practice you must---going over this in your head in the car on the way in to work is NOT practice).


1. Have a mock conversation with someone you trust. It has to be someone you trust, because this is going to be embarrassing and it needs to be kept confidential. But if you have someone who can role-play the difficult co-worker in question, you have got yourself some workplace gold. Mine it.


2. Write it out. When we write long-hand (doesn't work using the computer), we engage our left and right brain simultaneously---creative meets logical. Powerful stuff. You may not say everything exactly as you wrote it when the actual conversation happens, but your odds are greatly increased, and as a side bonus, you relieve a lot of pent-up negativity in the process.


You may have certain words that get you riled. I know I am personally not a fan of the response, "Whatever." Do you have a phrase or word that upsets you? Share it below in the comments section so we all can benefit (and avoid their use in the future):


More on dealing with difficult co-workers? See my site for information on:

Tone of Voice
Body Language
Mindset/Attitude
Listening Skills

Just Like Me

This article is life-changing...it's important...and I didn't write it. But I will do my damnedest to get it out there to as many people as I can.

Othering: How to Use Current Events for Your Own Evolution
Posted by Arjuna Ardagh

The word “other” is commonly used in English as both an adjective and a pronoun. As an adjective: “born on the other side of the tracks.” As a pronoun: “if it’s not one thing, it’s the other.” Today I’d like to submit for your consideration the word “other” as a verb. Examples? “Dude, don’t other me,” and “she was in a terrible mood, othering everybody the whole evening.”

Here is my proposed dictionary entry for the next Merriam Webster:

other |ˈəðər|
verb
1. to attribute qualities onto another person, often a celebrity in the news, so as to avoid acknowledging these same qualities within oneself:
[as verb. ] hey, don’t other Clinton, most married men have done stuff like that | I went to a meeting with the Dalai Lama. It was great but people tend to other him by putting him above them.

For the last ten days, our latest “otherfest” has focused on Rep. Anthony Weiner, whose name made him a larger-than-life-Disney-cartoon disaster waiting to happen. Republicans are having a field day, of course, and even the members of his own party are calling for his resignation. Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advocating sending snaps of your private parts to women you hardly know. I don’t condone lying, or emotionally abandoning your recently pregnant wife. Probably everyone, including Rep. Weiner himself, agrees that these actions were stupid, immature, and hurtful to other people.

We can learn from this and many other current events, however, by shifting our attention from “what that terrible, despicable, lying rotten good for nothing over there did,” to “why are we getting so upset about this, and giving it so much attention?”

Why do we use the news so frequently for collective ‘othering?” One important reason is that there are weaknesses from which we all suffer: you and me and everyone we know. For example, pretty much every married man suffers from a case, mild or strong, of the wandering eye. His attention is caught by a pretty face, or a shapely curve, before he even has time to think about it. He might sometimes gaze at the thousands of naked women available on the web. He might even go all out, and have an affair. Generally, he feels bad about all of the above, he frequently lies about them, and he hopes to not get found out, neither for his actions, nor for his secret thoughts or dreams. He knows that all this distracts him from true intimacy with his wife, and she knows it too. But he does not know what to do about it. It is a dangerous weakness we all have. If we act on these impulses and get caught, they can destroy our marriage or career. So when a man conveniently called Weiner makes the mistake of following the impulses of his weiner, it is not just his issue. It is every man’s secret nightmare, and his wife’s as well, written large for all to see.

Similarly, every mother I have ever known, however devoted and loving and patient, at some time or other feels overwhelmed. She needs a break. She may sometimes lose it with the kids, or wish she had not become a mother so young. She might even, in her most private moments of deep despair, wish she could go back to the carefree life she lived before they were born. Then she catches herself, and blocks such thoughts from her mind. She becomes afraid that she is a bad mother for ever thinking that way. If questioned, she would never, ever, ever, admit to resenting her own kids. “I love them, I am a good mother.” Hence the Casey Anthony trial does not pass in obscurity in a remote Florida court house, it is international news day after day after day. Every small and sordid detail is guzzled up, in real time, by millions of people, as if it were their own family member in the dock. Why? Because this is our own secret nightmare on display for everyone to see.

The simple antidote for othering, which turns every news story into an opportunity for evolution and maturity are three simple words: Just like me. What did Weiner do? His attention wandered, and he acted on it. Most men, at least the honest ones, could easily say, “Just like me.” (And yes, things that happened in college do count.) Then he lied, for a week, before fessing up. C’mon guys, we can also offer another “Just like me.”

In order for “just like me” to work, you’ve got to let go of the facts a little bit, and tune into the energy underneath. Most men have not tweeted pics of their package to virtual strangers. They may not even have flirted. And certainly most women have never actually harmed their own children. The question is whether you can locate and be honest about the same impulses in the locked basement of your own thoughts. You may not have acted on them, but the important question is, have you ever taken such a wild ride in your mind?

Two or three months ago, Dr. Gay Hendricks and I released a YouTube video called “Dear Woman.” With a ramshackle assortment of buddies, we created a chorus of “just like me,” about how we can ‘fess up to weaknesses in our own masculine psyche. Men from all over the world were outraged that we would voice a collective apology for things that we, and they, didn’t do.

People object to letting go of “othering” because they think that by acknowledging those same traits in themselves, it is creating guilt and shame. They are also concerned that they may be abandoning their moral compass all together, reducing themselves to a left coast mush where everything is ok.

I suggest that you can maintain a well-tuned sense right and wrong, without having to project the “wrong” onto political figures, and claim the “right” things for yourself. Releasing “othering” doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a more honest, deeper and compassionate person.

What are the benefits of integrating “just like me” into your life?

* One, you can instantaneously replace heavy feelings of separation and judgment with compassion and empathy, thereby improving your health.

* Two, you can bring undesirable qualities out of the shadow, own them, and become a more engaging, and multidimensional person.

* Three, when checking in to Google News every day, instead of getting depressed, it can become an endless, fascinating journey of self-discovery. “Wow, we did that too?”

You can use “just like me” not only on things that you condemn as bad, but also on qualities you admire, and wish to emulate, “The Dalai Lama is so wise and calm… just like me.” “Mark Wahlberg is so smart, just like me.” “Barack Obama is so eloquent. He has such a knack with words… just like me.”

If you’d like to know more about “just like me” and other similar tools, go register at thedeeperlove.com, and they’ll send you a useful practice every few days (free).



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Conflict in the Workplace

Here's a little information that outta raise the hair on the back of your neck:

The effects of conflict in the workplace are widespread and costly. Its prevalence, as indicated by three serious studies, shows that 24-60% of management time and energy is spent dealing with anger. This leads to decreased productivity, increased stress among employees, hampered performance, high turnover rate, absenteeism and at its worst, violence and death. ~Business Know-How.Com


Good times. And you wanted a job.

First, let me direct you to the tools already available on my site for handling difficult co-workers and/or your own negativity in contributing to conflict:

Difficult Co-Workers
Article "Dealing with Difficult People at Work"
Article "Being Right: What Price Do You Pay?"
E-Book (free) 101 Ways to Deal with a Pain in the Butt @ Work



Warning: Make sure this is YOUR business. Many times, we get involved in other people's workplace conflict because we believe it is the right and kind thing to do. And we make a mess of it. Or we end up in the middle of it. Here are some articles for ensuring you are seeing things CORRECTLY before inserting yourself into the conflict:

Article. Stressing Out Over the Cold Shoulder
Article. Is it Your Business? Boundaries and Tea Cups
Article. The Disease to Please

But if you've already read those, and you still need help in getting your workplace conflict handled, and you are sure this is YOUR business, here are some suggestions:

Make sure you let someone know you are handling this situation in the near future. Alert HR, your supervisor, Legal...someone else needs this information. Trust me.

1. Ensure the interaction takes place in a confidential and quiet environment.

2. Listening is the main reason this is so off-track. When we feel HEARD, we aren't inclined toward anger, gossip, creating silos or cliches...we only do these things because we need our side/view heard. P.S. This is also why we YELL.

3. Tell the parties that there is one rule here: No interrupting. Give each person a chance to tell their ENTIRE story, until they say, "I am finished." You can facilitate this by asking, "Is there anything else?" until you hear, "No. I am finished."

4. Summarize, in your own words, what you heard the individual say. Then turn to the other party and ask for their version. Repeat.

5. Ask each party for ONE THING that they would like to see change. You could phrase this as:

"What is one thing you would like to see handled differently in the future?"

or

"If you were in my role, what would you suggest I do to remedy this situation?"


5a. If you get no response or an "I don't know" then respond with:


"If you don't know what you need here or what would make things better for you...how can I know? I need you to participate in the solution."


NOTE: Don't use a snarky tone of voice here. Your goal is to not let either party know who you side with (and it would be ideal if you didn't side with either of them!).



Your intention is to make them the PROBLEM-SOLVERS here (as they were the PROBLEM-MAKERS). You are not the mom. You are not the President. You may have some advice, but if you give it, they will keep coming back for more.


Ultimately, you may need to get your manager or an HR professional involved. This may also escalate into disciplinary action. Everyone's job in the workplace is two-fold : To manage results AND maintain relationships. In this case, the second one is being violated.


You have every right to expect a polite and agreeable workplace. If these two are not willing to at least FAKE IT, then it is time to move them out of the organization. Follow your company's process for termination.





See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Constructive Criticism is a Scam

"Constructive criticism" is a scam run by people who want to beat you up. And they want you to believe it is for your own good."

That's from a book by Cheri Huber called, "There is Nothing Wrong with You". I STRONGLY urge you to purchase a copy.

More:

"If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago."


Seem like too much trouble? To buy the book and read it? You'd rather just read snippets HERE and move onto something else that's easy? Hmmmmm. That sounds like a plan for KEEPING the notion in place that there is something wrong with you. I don't want that for you, and I don't want that for me.


So maybe this (from Cheri's book) will resonate:

"Self-hate uses self-improvement as self-maintenance. As long as you are concerned about improving yourself, you'll always have a self to improve. And you will always suffer."


I have no link for you to click on. I'm not selling Cheri Huber books. I'm selling peace (except it's free, so I tend to just fall on the "pro" side of the issue :) You know how to purchase a book. Go to that place/site and do this for yourself.




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

How I Wrote "101 Ways to Love Your Job"

Do you wonder how someone puts together an entire book? Do you sometimes think you have something to say that others would benefit from hearing? Here's the story of how "101 Ways to Love Your Job" came to be:


As a workshop leader, I get a lot of phone calls and emails and personal visits from employees. I started to notice that I would answer the same question, several times, in one week. I would also hear about trends, concerns and upsets in my workshops. Instead of answering these issues one by one, I decided it would be much more efficient to start a regular email tip weekly newsletter. I sent an announcement to all the employees in my organization, and said, "If you want to get these emails, let me know. I won't be sending these to everyone, because some people may not be interested."


In about one week, I had over 800 people on my list.


I sent out a little paragraph, a thought for the day, or a link to an article. Sometimes I got feedback, sometimes no one said anything about that week's entry.


Fast forward five years later----and I had 88 entries!


No one at my job had asked me to do this. I received no extra money for this activity. I did NOT think that one day these suggestions would be published. I just did it, because I saw a need.


Eventually, I added some more entries until I had 101 and submitted the draft to my publisher.

Where can you fill a need? What do you know that can help someone who may be struggling? You never know how these actions might attract a publisher, employer or business owner. Don't hold back just because you aren't "famous" or because you think you need a Ph.D. Contribute for the sake of contributing. It feels great, by the way. Be sincere in your wish to make people's lives better. You never know how it might turn out.

Available in paperback or as a PDF ebook.




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Cool: The Emotional Straightjacket

From Brené Brown's Gifts of Imperfection blog.

What has a decade of research on authenticity, shame, vulnerability and courage taught me about "being cool?"

1. The need to "be cool" is an emotional straightjacket. It keeps us from moving, growing, stretching and feeling free.

2. "Cool" and authentic are often mutually exclusive.

3. It takes courage to be awkward, goofy, and silly - all of the feelings that we experience when we're brave enough to try something new or risk being innovative. This is so tough for me. My mantra when I'm trying something new and feeling awkward and goofy is "Effort + the courage to show up = enough."

4. The language of cool permeates our culture and sends messages to the people around us - especially our children. Try boycotting words like LAME, UNCOOL, and LOSER. Also, there is an entire collection of words that are used as cool armour by vulnerable teens and tweens (and adults). They include words like retard, retarded, bitch, fag, and queer. Trying to come off as cool and indifferent often leads to the use of hate language.

5. The greatest casualty of the endless pursuit of cool is connection. When we don't let people see and know our true selves, we sacrifice connection. Without connection, we struggle for purpose and meaning.

Have a great week, be connected, and be cool you.


Posted on 05.9.2011 | by Brené Brown | in Gifts of Imperfection,




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Rules of Improvisation That Will Change Your Life

This is from Tina Fey's book, Bossypants. The book is adorable, and of course, funny...but this entry was actually pretty damned profound and points to instructions for LIFE, so I thought I'd share it with you:

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, "Freeze, I have a gun," and you say, "That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me," our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun!" and you say, "The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!" then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in face a Christmas gun.



Now, obviously in real life you're not always going to agree with everything everyone says. But the Rule of Agreement reminds you to "respect what your partner has created" and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where that takes you.



As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. "No, we can't do that." "No, that's not in the budget." "No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar." What kind of what is that to live?



The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then add something of your own. If I start a scene with "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you just say, "Yeah..." we're kind of at a standstill. But if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you say, "What did you expect? We're in hell." Or if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you say, "Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures." Or if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you say, "I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth," now we're getting somewhere.



To me YES, AND means don't be afraid to contribute. It's your responsibility to contribute. Always make sure you're adding to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.



The next rule is MAKE STATEMENTS. This is a positive way of saying, "Don't ask questions all the time." If we're in a scene and I say, "Who are you? Where are we? What are we doing here? What's in that box?" I'm putting pressure on you to come up with all the answers.



In other words: Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don't just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles. We've all worked with that person. That person is a drag. It's usually the same person around the office what says things like "There's no calories in it if you eat it standing up!"



MAKE STATEMENTS also applies to us women: Speak in statements instead of apologetic questions. No one wants to go to a doctor who says, "I'm going to be your surgeon? I'm here to talk to you about your procedure? I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?" Make statements, with your actions and your voice.



Instead of saying, "Where are we?" make a statement like "Here we are in Spain, Dracula." Okay, "Here we are in Spain, Dracula" may seem like a terrible start to a scene, but this leads us to the best rule:



THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities. If I start a scene as what I think is very clearly a cop riding a bicycle, but you think I am a hamster in a hamster wheel, guess what? Now I'm a hamster in a hamster wheel. I'm not going to stop everything to explain that it was really supposed to be a bike. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up being a police hamster who's been put on "hamster wheel" duty because I'm "too much of a loose cannon" in the field. In improv, there are no mistakes, only beautiful happy accidents. I mean, look at the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, or Botox.




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

As a Man Thinketh---Modern Rewrite

Recently one of my most important teachers suggested “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen for my own supplemental reading. This book has been free for years, and I immediately downloaded the original work. I found the language so difficult to read, that I wanted to rewrite it for my own comprehension of the material.

But first, I "Googled‟ to see if there was already a modern-day interpretation and found one by Christopher Westra. Christopher was also providing this book online, for free, to keep the information moving to those who needed it. Though Christopher did an excellent job with this rewrite, I was still having issues with some of the tone and language. It was too "Old Testament‟ for me. There was an almost angry, judgmental feel to the work (Note: This was not Christopher‟s doing, but because of the original‟s content. Christopher kept the book as in tact as possible). This was blocking my ability to take in James Allen‟s truth. So I took Christopher‟s rewrite and rewrote if even further, to align this information with the way we view ourselves (and the way we speak) today.

You may prefer the original book or Christopher‟s version. Here is mine, also available for no charge:

COPY AND PASTE INTO BROWSER:
http://www.work-stress-solutions.com/support-files/james-allen-modern-rewrite.pdf


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

It's Not Personal, It's Protection

What came up for me this morning, to write to you, was a technique or trick I use to deal with almost EVERYONE. It's ideally used all-day, almost non-stop, with everyone---not just the difficult people in your life.


I imagine everyone that comes into my line of sight as they may have been as a child. The director, flustered, irritated, in a hurry to get budget information to the higher-ups? She's now 9-years-old and in a Brownie uniform. The guy who just cut me off and FLIPPED me off in traffic? He can't even see over the wheel in my mind's eye...he's in overalls and has a cowlick and fudgsicle smears all over his face.

Why do I do this? It reminds me that at the core we are all vulnerable, ashamed of something, hiding parts of ourselves, terrified that we will lose connection with our tribes. So we create these tough-guy masks. Or these "I'm very important" masks. It's not personal. It's protection.


I know that's true for me. And I keep a picture of myself at 5 years old in my bedroom and pass it every day. I often stop and look at this picture and see the happiest of smiles (missing three teeth), the tousled hair in barrettes that I'm sure I thought was looking quite grown-up...her. She's still in me. And I have put tons of armor in place (or she did---it's hard to know at this point).


Will you try this today and see if it helps you? This is one of the "hows" I am offering to the "What" we so often hear : the only thing you can change is yourself.




This entry was a Daily Message on my site. There is no sign-up or newsletter. Just bookmark the page for a daily piece of advice or insight: Work Stress Solutions Daily Message.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Thank You for Taxes!

I am writing this on April 15th, better known as dreaded Tax Day!

But, I don't view taxes like most people. I work for my local government and I interact with what I privately call "Street Angels."

And my taxes and your taxes keep these "Street Angels" fed, clothed and sheltered. That's all they appear to need, and it's the least we can do for them---trust me on this and please read on.

As I open up my workshops, I ask for the participants' name, department and a short description of what they do all day. It's helpful to allow a Landscape Tech to hear what Child Protective Services workers do; or how a Zoning and Planning person spends their time vs. an EMS.

But I have another agenda while taking up to a half hour to get these introductions handled in a four-six hour class. It's not just educating the people in the room on other County functions. It's to remind me of what precious cargo I have before me, and that I need to make these hard-to-find hours count. My objective is to leave them with the skills they need to make my community better. To charge them up, however slightly, to send them back onto the streets, to help the people who live here. Because, to be honest, I just don't have it what it takes to be a Street Angel.

Imagine entering into a home, in an area that is so bad, you ask for a co-worker to join you: a Sheriff's deputy. The person answering the door may be, for instance, putting cigarettes to his children's arms as a form of discipline, but you don't know for sure. You smell alcohol coming from him, even though it's only 10am. Your job is to question this person, sitting on their living room furniture in their home, and possibly take their child from them within the hour. If this happens, it will be bad. There will be yelling, physical attempts at you, grabbing for the child, throwing things. Everyone in the street will witness this scene and see YOU as the wrong party. This is someone's child. How dare you.

And for all this hassle, you are only making $100,000 a year. No wait...that's too little for doing this 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, 50 weeks a year. You make...LESS. Much LESS. You work for the government, after all. And we must honor the taxpayers' wishes. You will need at least a Masters Degree for this "just in it for the paycheck" role too. Otherwise we know this situation would not be handled properly and legally. But, you are likely a "slacker" and a "typical government worker", so how does $35,000 sound?

But let's head back to the streets of any fair city. Is there someone walking drunk in the road? Call 911. Did someone destroy the entrance to your neighborhood with graffiti? Call 911. Did you hear something downstairs? Call 911. Did those leaves get out of control you were burning? Call 911. Your old boyfriend or neighbor being abusive? Call 911.

And like magic, the ugly part of being human is handled.

Because of the "Street Angels."

These are but two examples of what your taxes pay for. I actually got BACK taxes this year. I wouldn't have minded if I had to PAY taxes however. Because I know what they go for. I know that from where I sit, having an honest to goodness front row seat for government spending, that those taxes are honored, spent judiciously, and used for the things I don't want to deal with or don't know how to deal with. And there is never enough to handle "the ugly part of being human."

Happy Tax Day. It's a good thing.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Mo' Money Ain't It

The other day I was driving around and pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's for some breakfast. I only wanted one Egg McMuffin. I realized I had NO CASH, which is completely normal for me these days, and asked if I could use my debit card for such a small amount. Of course!

I work downtown and have many a panhandler asking for spare change. I tell them, "Seriously, dude, I only have plastic."

I also remember as a kid hearing that in the 2000s (enter Twilight Zone music) we would just scan a bar code or some tattoo on our arm and this would reveal how much money we had or "credit" or "energy" to complete the transaction. There would be no money. And with the above examples, we are practically there.

All of these new technologies have come to be for our convenience, sure, but it is also opening up another dimension for me and my relationship with money. Money is just paper. Dirty paper at that. But most of us invest a LOT of emotional baggage into this paper. And it's the main reason we work.

I realized with the need to only carry one thin piece of plastic, that my money is really just an idea. It's the proof that I contributed a certain amount of energy, time, talent and left something better off than I found it; and that gave me what I needed in return: food, clothing and shelter and a little entertainment now and again.

I wonder if we start to see our jobs as really nothing more than this (energy in, energy out) it would allow some of the political and emotional angst to drop away? My entire website is designed to help you with this angst. But perhaps this one thought (that you need refuge from the elements and food and your employer is in some way--however indirectly-- providing that to the larger community and needs your help to do it) is really all there is to it.

Martha Beck said in a quote that I keep posted to my computer, "Only strive to earn enough money to do your life's work. Anything additional is unnecessary." And that may at first make you nervous...but if you sit with it for a moment, you'll see that's completely true.

If we are focused on "How much more money will this bring me?" instead of "Am I giving what I'm getting?", then we will never feel whole. It isn't about money, then, it's about something else.

Money isn't the root of all evil or the source of peace. Money is just paper. Money is just energy that we trade with others. And we have jobs to earn that energy...it's really nothing more complicated than that.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Work : A Spiritual Playground?

I'm toying with a new idea for the April Daily Messages on my website. I feel I skirt around it on every page. I think those of you who visit the Daily Message page, in particular, are already sensing this concept, and may appreciate more directness:


The workplace is the BEST spiritual practice field.


Think about it: We don't get to pick the people we work with, for the most part. We go there day after day--and often---year after year. Most of us deal with the random public. We are typically someone who has a higher skill set, and that's why others would come to us. And tension, fear, anger...can run VERY high when the stakes are food on the table!

Work, offices, corporations are not seen as spiritual havens. And that's what makes them RIPE for our practice (whatever that may be). In church/temple/nature, in our neighborhoods, with our friends and family, we rarely find the lessons and challenges on a regular basis that work offers. It's almost like we are handed opportunities, with small consequences if we fail, and plenty of time to get it right.


Most of us tend to keep our spiritual side (acts of service, accepting people as they are, random kindness) for our personal lives and believe work is just a whole other category. A primal, dog-eat-dog political fest. We may pray for someone or ask for assistance in dealing with a difficult coworker, but we don't see these as FABULOUS ways to get our spiritual practice highly-honed. We "save" it for people we LIKE or feel sorry for!


So with that said, look for ways today that you can identify situations where you can apply whatever principles or concepts you believe are TRUTH for you. Turn your perception around and see that your most-hated coworker is in front of you for a divine reason.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this or to read the Daily Message.

Ouch! You're on My Boundary!

You've probably heard the term "boundary." It comes from the codependent community and refers to our ability, or inability, to keep people appropriately close or distant, depending on the circumstances.

Many of us fall into just one category---either too close or too distant. We run into problems when we over-protect ourselves or allow others to mistreat us because we don't know how to say stop.

The following is from a website called The Boundaries Method. If you resonate with this post, I invite you to check out the entire site for more information.

Excerpt: The Six Boundary Problems


Here’s a brief overview comparing some of the differences between the six boundary problems. As you learn to identify your specific problem styles, you might notice that you blend them together or quickly change from one problem to another. Remember to also think of how others would classify you.


Rigid. He lets everyone know exactly where he stands and that he’s not moving. He is going to do things his way, even if it means doing it alone. Buzz words: Too closed, inflexible, no spontaneity, unyielding, non-negotiable, unchangeable, stubborn, adamant, hard.


Invisible. She knows what she wants and feels but she doesn’t do anything about it in the moment. She doesn’t tell others or assert her limits in a way that will be listened to. Buzz words: Too open, non-assertive, push-over, over-adapts, feels used and hurt, her gut says “no” while her mouth says “yes”, passive.


Distant. He is emotionally or physically unavailable. Others might never know what he wants, who he is or, sometimes, even where he is. Buzz words: Far, unreachable, disconnected, absent, non-communicative, loner, aloof, cold, removed.


Enmeshed. She takes on her partner’s likes and dislikes as her own so she only wants what he wants. She is who he is. Buzz words: Over lapped, yes-man, no opinions of her own, loss of identity, too close, clone.


Intrusive. She pushes everyone to go along with whatever she wants, regardless of his or her desires. She acts oblivious to others discomfort or resentment. Buzz words: Sends out too much, pushy, forceful, bulldozer, invasive, bossy, interfering, interrupter.


Hyper-Receptive. He has no time to realize what he really wants- he just is trying to make sure there is no conflict. Buzz words: Takes in too much, tense, waits for cues, fearful, chameleon, vigilant, anticipates others desires.


There is always going to be someone who is not going to respect our boundaries or their own boundaries. The question is -what are you going to do about it?

This comes from the Daily Message on Work Stress Solutions/Stephanie's website. See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Three Tea Cups (video)

The "Tea Cups" are my signature way of explaining boundaries in relationships and how to know when we are inappropriately in someone else's business. I use this metaphor when discussing difficult situations involving key relationships in our lives, as this is our #1 area for stress.






Please see more videos, articles, interviews, discussion boards and more on my site (Work-Stress-Solutions.Com).

The Price of Invulnerability

Honor what's ordinary by no longer:

`Numbing the emotions we decide aren't okay, because this also numbs the "good" ones.

`Using disappointment as a lifestyle to avoid pain.

`Keeping busy so we don't have to catch up with our life and see how things are REALLY going.

`Losing our tolerance for being vulnerable.

`Staying in a state of low-grade disconnection.

`Perfectionism as a tool to protect ourself.

`"Perform and please and I will be safe."

Please take a look at this incredible video by Brene Brown.

Ahhh...Look at All the Ordinary People

Can I really come out of the closet on this? I'm known for making people's work lives better. Even great. But, I am no longer sure I want to be aligned with the "be the best you can be" crowd. Do you know the ones? I adore them as people, but their message exhausts me. I don't mean that meanly. It seriously, truly does. I am fatigued by all the hyperbole on the human experience---or more accurately---the perceived lack that sums up the human experience.

"Is this the year you will bust out?" and "Live your best life ever!" Then there's the fear factor message, "Are you living your dreams??" or "Are you living with intention and purpose?" Geez. Hold on. Let me catch my breath. I was just trying to catch up on Facebook. And now I feel like the biggest slacker known to mankind!

What if I tried all that and it didn't work? What if I tried all that and it did? Would my life really be BETTER? Or just more. More. Must...get...more!! But what if ordinary actually works? What if a life of 40-hour work weeks, followed or accompanied by a little child rearing, with a dash of some basic body care is enough? Have I lost it? I don't think so. I've never felt so light and free, actually.

I don't think my books, blogs and website (nor my coaching practice) urges you to push, sweat, focus and achieve. I started this particular career (author and internet motivator) around 1996. While I've always been in human resources, and worked with people who were unhappy or struggling, I have never sent the message of overachieve, reach even higher, get out there already!

People ARE out there. I'm out there. Every single day. And along the way, I see tired people. I see bewildered people. I see self-doubting people. People who believe they must make excuses for not walking across hot coals on the weekends. People who can't admit being satisfied with a plump body, a mid-range salary, and a little time to catch up on DVR tapings. That kind of life---is simply not good enough. Buy this book, or watch this video, or attend this seminar...and you will learn how to seek, find, solve, excel, procure a following, and go-go-go!!

Or. You can slow down. You can turn inward. You can look around and see that guy across the table. That pretty face in the mirror. Yes, her. You can find nothing more delightful than a bag of chips and a "What Not to Wear" episode. It will be okay. The world will not suffer. You are NOT selfish or a loser.

You are ordinary. And that, in today's world, strikes me as revolutionary.


I've added a Daily Message to my website. Bookmark it for daily entries like this one.

The "Gotcha!" Style

Are you a "gotcha" type of person? The "gotcha" personality is that type of person who says nothing (or almost nothing) when things are going well--even perfectly--but swoops in like a seagull, and POW! GOTCHA! when something isn't right. This type doesn't offer much in the way of recognition for a job well done. In fact, these people often feel that a job well done is the status quo. Why waste time being a softy and acknowledging it?

While being good problem-solvers, gotcha types get stuck in this mode and spend most of their time scanning the horizon for what's not working, pointing it out, and then retreating. To spouses, parents, or coworkers, this type of style does a significant amount of damage. Since almost all interaction with a gotcha type is based on negativity, judgment, and correction, people in a gotcha person's life are likely to protect themselves. This might look like:

-Lying
-Getting defensive
-Avoidance
-Doing just enough to not get yelled at
-Reciprocating with gotcha behaviors

Instead, the idea is to point out what is going well. Point it out often. The more we focus on what's working, the more we'll see these behaviors repeated. Then if correction is needed in the future, we can point out the positives, add the correction, and move on quickly. Important relationships flourish, and past resentments will start to die.


I've added a Daily Message to my website. Bookmark it for daily entries like this one.

9 Destructive Reasons We Cling to Clutter

In my mind, there is no separation between home and work...the entire person is affected by one or the other and carries this effect into the other arena.

And so it is with clutter. A cluttered mind creates clutter in the environment; and clutter in the environment creates a cluttered mind. Which comes first? It truly doesn't matter. Handle the clutter and the rest will naturally follow.

Not sure how? Here's an article by Christine Kane that will help:



"Perfection is not when there is no more to add, but no more to take away."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


A retired man once told me he loved going camping with his wife because camping showed her how simple life can be "without all that bloomin' stuff she keeps everywhere!"

He's right!

Our lives are meant to be simple. Our intuition and creativity thrive when given freedom and space. Clutter is a disease. Each moment we ignore the reasons we hold on to things we don't want, those things rob us of energy, health, and clarity. Yes, clutter is destructive!

If you're a clutter-clinger, be kind to yourself. Begin with an awareness of your thoughts and excuses. For starters, read over this list to see if you can find YOUR excuse!

Clutter Excuse #1: "I'd be a mean horrible person if I..."

Guilt is heavy gooey energy that convinces us we're bad people if we let go of heirlooms, knick-knacks, unwanted clothing or gifts.

These items clutter up our lives and keep us in a comfortable - but draining - place. And conveniently, we never have to decide what we actually do want in our environment. We become environmental victims. Often, that spreads into other parts of our lives too!

Clutter Excuse #2 - "I spent so much on it!"

Do you punish yourself for having made a bad choice by keeping the item around? Or convince yourself that you're going to get your money's worth - even if it drains the heck out of you?

You won't. And it will.

We've all done stupid things. And we've all had to let them go. Now it's your turn.

Clutter Excuse #3 - "I might need this someday."

I often wonder how many idle telephone cords exist in the world. Way in the back of old desk drawers. Stuffed on closet shelves. They can't be gotten rid of.

Why?

Because we might need them some day.

Evidently, some day - in spite of technological progress - you're going to need that particular grey phone cord that came in the box with a phone you bought in 1989.

Throw it out. Now.

Same thing goes for: The broken fax machine, switch plates from your first house, and every glass flower vase that came with deliveries.

Clutter Excuse #4 - "I might do this someday."

I know. I know.

Someday you'll take those broken pieces of china you've collected and create a beautiful mosaic birdbath. And you'll go through those stacks of magazines and make that collage for your sister's 30th birthday party. (She's 51 now.)

Now - I don't mean to deny you your plans and dreams. However, I urge you to consider experiencing the infinite relief that appears when you let old project ideas go.

Call your sister and tell her the collage ain't gonna happen. Buy a mosaic birdbath from an artist who makes her living from creating such treasures.

And then, make space for what you want to do. Don't fill your space with what you should do.

Clutter Excuse #5 - "I gotta look good to my guests."

CD's. Books. DVD's. Are these items treasured? Or are they simply a prop so your guests will be impressed by your intelligence and diverse tastes?

Remember this: we are motivated by two things: Fear or Love. Which of these keeps you clinging to items because of appearances?

Clutter Excuse #6 - "I Don't Know Where It Goes."

When items don't have a home, it's harder to determine whether or not they are clutter. Some things may seem like clutter - like the cute card that your daughter made that floats around from drawer to drawer - but they're not clutter.

They're homeless.

Once you start defining spaces for items, then it's easier to see when something doesn't fit anywhere and should just get tossed.

Clutter Excuse #7 - "My thoughts don't have any power. Do they?"

Everything has energy. The thoughts you have about the things in your home CREATE energy. If you are surrounded by stuff you keep out of guilt, then your environment holds guilt. If you hang on to stuff given to you by your ex, and you still feel bitter - then there is bitterness in your home.

Get it?

It's either fueling you or draining you. If anything triggers you, then that is your barometer. Let it go.

Clutter Excuse #8 - "But I never wore it!"

See Clutter Excuse #2.

Clutter Excuse #9 - "There's too much stuff!"

Overwhelm can stop us in our tracks. If this article makes you aware that there are lots of items in your life you don't like, then go slow. Schedule small chunks of time each day. It takes time to be clutter-free! But the newfound clarity and lightness are worth it!


Christine Kane is the Mentor to Women Who are Changing the World. She helps women uplevel their lives, their businesses and their success. Her weekly LiveCreative eZine goes out to over 12,000 subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can sign up for a F.R.E.E. subscription at http://christinekane.com.

For more articles on work stress, click here.

The Cigarette Break: Why Taking One is Excellent Stress Management

The title certainly got you “clicking through” to see what I meant, didn’t it?

But I am sincere in this advice. I DO think a cigarette break is a good way to relieve stress. Especially at work. I can almost hear the non-smokers cursing and the smokers cheering in the background. So let me break this down a little and be clear and specific about what I mean.


First, let’s breakdown, in detail, what a cigarette break entails:

1. You physically remove yourself from your work station and go outside.

A perfect stress management technique. Leave the artificial lighting and air; the electronic screens emitting radiation and the ringing phones, and get into nature (even if that’s mostly concrete). Just removing ourselves from this strange, but accepted, environ is immeasurably helpful to the psyche.


2. You bring a smoke-buddy to join you.


This isn’t always the case with the smoke break, but more often than not, we have one person who joins us during this activity. While we are heading down the elevators, and then standing outside for about seven (7) minutes (the time it takes to smoke an average cigarette), we are likely venting all the way. “He’s driving me crazy!” or “I can’t take another email!” Often enough, our smoke-buddy either makes us feel better by agreeing or gives us some sound advice. Sounds like free therapy to me.


Added Bonus: These smoke-friends are usually keeping our smoke-confessions to themselves too. Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep asking them to join us. And FRIENDS are one of the best de-stressors there is. In fact, someone with a best friend at work is reported to be nine times happier with their job than someone with no friendships in the workplace.


3. Take several deep breaths in and out.


Well, aside from the noxious, and possibly carcinogenic, fumes this IS a tried-and-true stress management technique.


4. Repeat about three times a day.


So we are talking about 21 minutes in a given workday --with most smokers heading outside to manage their stress a total of three times. Non-smokers carry on about all the time spent away from their workstation.

But they are just jealous, because the smokers come back relaxed and talked-out and the non-smokers (usually EX-smokers who wish they still smoked, but are in denial) rant and rave, and increase their stress, by saying: “We don’t get to take a break because we don’t smoke. Not fair!!”


But this is where the smokers and non-smokers will finally come together in this article. Why aren’t the non-smokers doing this? The non-smoking population has every legal right to walk away from their workstation and fortify themselves with the following:


See 1-4 above and remove cigarette from instructions.


Smokers aren’t crazy, after all. Just kinda stinky.

Read more Work Stress Articles here.

Videos to Change Your Thinking (and, therefore, your life)

I didn't become a writer, trainer and coach in a vacuum. The things I know and share with others were provided for me through many different avenues. Two important teachers in my life are easily accessed online and are absolutely free. So, as always, I share what makes my life work with you....


UnAsleep is one to watch. She has shifted my thinking so deeply, I hardly recognize my Old Self. And if you aren't familiar with TED, you are missing out on a RICH resource of powerful people sharing multiple resources of life-changing information.


I have provided two videos from UnAsleep and TED here, that I feel will benefit most of my readers. Please let me/us know what you think of these in the comments section.

The Option Method (How to Change Your Mind)

To get in touch with our stress and the thoughts that create this stress, we must begin by removing the layers of beliefs from which the stress originates. This is an easy and painless process when we use the Option Method* questions.


The first question:
“What am I unhappy/stressed about?”

Personalize this question. Substitute the words unhappy or stressed in this question for ones that best expresses the bad feeling you have that you would like to change.

For instance, you may be feeling worried about something. If so, you would ask yourself, “What am I worried about?” Clarify your answer. Narrow it down. If, for example, your initial answer to the first question is something like, “I’m stressed about my job,” that is a very broad answer. You need to narrow it down and be as specific as possible.

The closer you get to the core of your feelings, the closer you come to you shifting your thinking about the situation. The second Option question will help you to do that.


The second question:
“What is it about that, that makes me unhappy/stressed?”

Using the previous example of “worrying about my job”, you would now ask yourself, “What is it about my job that I am worried?” Be as specific as possible. There are other ways of asking this question, such as, “What about my job worries (bothers, frightens, angers, saddens) me the most?” Your answer may be something like “I know that I don’t take care of myself enough. I worry too much I’m going to become sick if keep this up.”

Another way to ask this question might be, “If that were to happen, what would I be most afraid of?” or “If that were to happen, what would be the worst thing about it?” In other words, “If I were to lose my job, what would be the worst thing about that?”

Remember the answers to these questions are as diverse as we are. The purpose of the questions is to help you get in touch with your reasons. This brings us to the next Option question.


The third question:
“Why am I unhappy/stressed about that?”

You ask yourself this question when you are satisfied that you have clearly identified, to the best of your ability, what it is specifically that is bothering you the most at this time.

It is a simple question, but let’s make sure you understand it. “Why” means “for what reason.” This is one of the most important questions you may ever ask yourself. This question prompts you to recognize that you have your own very personal reason for feeling the way you feel.

Often we get so caught up in our emotions that we have completely forgotten we are not actually feeling this way against our will. This wonderful, simple question gives you a renewed opportunity to begin your own self-awareness about the thoughts you continue to have habitually throughout the day.

To apply this question to our example you would ask, “Why am I worried about losing my job?” In other words, “What is my reason for worrying about becoming unemployed?” or “What would I be afraid of or what would it mean to me if I were out of work?” At some point you will find yourself feeling as if you don’t know why, that you just always have been unhappy/stressed about it, or it would seem natural to be unhappy under such circumstances.

Perhaps you are not aware of any reason. You may feel somewhat dumb struck or stuck. This is a natural phenomenon that takes place as we become more aware of our thoughts and not just accept these thoughts as fact. At this time we are on the threshold of self mastery/mastery of our thoughts. When this happens, it is time to move on to the fourth question.

The fourth question:
“What am I afraid it would mean if I were not unhappy about that?”

Another way of asking this question is, “What am I afraid would happen if I were not unhappy/stressed about that?” This is an extraordinary question, one you may very well have never heard before. Repeat it a few times.

You may at first simply feel that this a ridiculous question and that’s natural, but let this question into your mind and soak it in for a minute. Your initial response may be something like, “Well, it wouldn’t mean anything, I’d just be happy.” If so, you’re not really asking yourself the question. Ask again. You see, since nothing has been actually forcing you to feel the way you don’t like to feel, then up until now you must have had a reason for feeling this way.

Until now, you have not exposed or questioned your reasons. You have assumed someone else’s belief, affirmed it and re-created it as your own. When? It does not matter. What truly matters now is that through this question you decide on your own what is true for you and what is not.

Once again, embrace the question: “What am I afraid it would mean if I were not unhappy/stressed about that?”

After you have written down or spoken aloud your answer you will be ready for the final Option question. Take your time. Be satisfied with your answer. If you’re feeling a bit confused or uncertain, go back to the first question. It’s impossible to get lost on your own path or to do this incorrectly. Use the questions as a tool, a flashlight, to light the pathway back to your personal truth.


Be patient with yourself. You have spent a lifetime establishing and developing beliefs that you have never questioned in this way before. The Option questions, though seemingly simple, are new and foreign to you. Don’t rush it.

You may answer this question with something like, “It would mean I didn’t care,” or “It would mean I was crazy.” Or to use our example, you may answer, “If I wasn’t worried about losing my job I’m afraid that I wouldn’t do anything to ensure I keep my boss happy or improve the situation.” This answer shows how you are preferring and choosing to be worried because if you weren’t it would mean you wouldn’t take care of yourself. These kinds of beliefs are at the core of all unhappiness.

See the Final Option Method Question.

Thoughts Become Things

Do you want to know why you feel stressed most of the time?

I've done the reading. I've done the work. I KNOW what makes you (and me) feel stress, discomfort, anxiety, nervous, upset, angry, irritated...call it what you want.

Bottom line: You're not happy.

You can treat your unhappiness like a speck of dust that's on the projector screen in front of you. Every time the picture changes, the speck of dust is now on something else, something different. Or...you can direct your attention to where the speck of dust actually resides: on the camera lens.

What you THINK creates the way you FEEL. You don't have a feeling and then have a thought about it. It's exactly the other way around.

You can change the environment, the people in your life, your body, your bank account. YOU CAN get these "specks of dust" to shift and move and maybe improve. But, just like the changing scenes in a movie, it won't last.

So, let's go for the pay dirt here. You have to wipe off the speck of dust on the camera lens...and that means change your mind from thinking what you think.

Most of our thoughts are just theories. Is this what's happening? Could he have meant this? What was that look about? Will this traffic make me late? Will this outfit impress them? What will happen if that bill passes the House? It's all just conjecture. And very little of it is factual.

Think of thoughts as specks of dust...blow them away...and put 'theories' in place that make you feel mellow, calm, at peace.

How?

First, always ask yourself if the thought you are having is 100% truth. Can you know without a shadow of a doubt that "the traffic will make me late"? Then what are you doing? Do you think that by being stressed and tense you will make the traffic move faster? If so, then ask yourself again, "Is this 100% truth?" Is it absolutely true that you will be late? That your tension will be communicated to other drivers and you will move the traffic along?

Another way to change your mind and therefore your emotion is to turn your stressful thought around completely. The reverse is almost ALWAYS true too, if not truer.

An Example

So back to our traffic theory. "The traffic will make me late." The exact opposite is, "The traffic will not make me late." It's just as likely. You can't see into the future. And if we are being 100% truthful here, isn't your late departure the reason you are possibly running late? And you do have control over that...at least the next time.

Post these somewhere like your bathroom mirror or car dashboard:

-Is it 100% truth?

-What is the exact opposite (and is that just as true or truer?)

Here's to feeling pretty darn good...starting right now. It's just a thought away.

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Oops. You Did It Again

Everyone has blurted out an insensitive comment, slipped and told a secret we were asked to keep, or completely forgot an important appointment. Why do we do this?

The Johari Window is an excellent model for providing us with immediate insight into why we do what we do.

Named for its creators, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham - the Johari Window is a useful tool for understanding and integrating misunderstood or unknown parts of ourselves. The Four Panes of the Johari Window represent the four parts of Self.

The First Pane is often called the Public Self or Arena. A self-aware person has a large Public Self crowding out the other panes and making them smaller in comparison. This person understands why she acts the way she does and is genuine and open with others.

The Second Pane is often called The Blind Spot. The "blind" quadrant represents things that you know about me, but that I am unaware of.

The Third Pane represents the Hidden Self and it holds what is known to us but kept hidden from others. This hidden or avoided self represents information and feelings not revealed or kept secret from others.

Lastly, the fourth pane is Unconscious. This area is unseen by everyone, including ourselves. The more we can access here, the less likely we will sabotage our true interests by saying things we don't wish to say or undermining our own value system.

For more details (and a free assessment) read the article on my site.

Emotional Stress and Your Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).

Why 5-7 Relationships?

Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.

So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?

This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.

Employee
Parent
Friend
Self (which includes the Spiritual)
Daughter/Family of Origin
Significant Other
Small Business Owner

Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.

Under "employee" for instance, I have:

*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services

The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:

*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?

*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?

It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).

You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.

Go to Mental Stress
Go to Spiritual Stress
Go to Physical Stress

Are You in Your Own Way?

Researchers tell us that only about 10% of our beliefs are in our conscious awareness. Want to know what you believe? Look at your current life. Are you wealthy? Are you healthy? Are you happy? If not, you have likely just stumbled on the hidden 90% of your belief system.

No one consciously believes they shouldn't have it all. But the evidence speaks for itself. Part of us also knows on some level that we think we should be penalized for:

• past mistakes
• not working hard enough
• why us instead of them?

Get out of your own way. These conflicting beliefs are holding you (and me and her) back. Reconcile these attitudes with subconscious suggestion. Yes---self-hypnosis.

Read over 500 ways you may be tripping yourself up....