I Just Know I'm Meant to Be More Than THIS!

"I don't know what I want to do as a career, I just know I'm meant to be more than this!"

I hear this often when I counsel people around career choice. In fact, I am hard-pressed to think of more than five examples, both personally and professionally, where someone has declared that they have truly found their life work. And when asked HOW someone determines what they are to do with this burning desire---to contribute to the larger good---my answer is always the same:

You are doing it. Right here and right now.

This is, of course, a very disappointing answer. The need to find our life work is a common subject in magazines, blogs, TV talk shows and countless books ("What Color is My Parachute?" anyone?). This striving and checking and seeking and consulting----always with the same question in mind, "Is THIS it?" is really the only problem from where I'm sitting.

Do you find yourself wondering the following on a regular basis?:

-What can I do to make the world a better place?
-How can I share what I have learned in my life with others as a job?
-How can I find a job where I like everyone I work with and everything I am asked to do?
-What if I retire and realize I never really found my calling?

These questions stem from the wrong source, in my opinion. The very asking of these questions is the problem. We seem to be saying, "I want to give my best to a position...but with THESE people??? Doing THIS???" It's like we asked for our highest calling to be answered, and when we were given the circumstances to achieve it, we said, "But this isn't good enough for ME."

I am in the right job, I am following my passion, I am paid for my 'bliss', and here's what I know to be true based on my own career and after coaching hundreds of clients:

-You make the world a better place, by becoming a compassionate and kind resource in every interaction, or as often as you can, no matter who is in front of you.

-You share what you've learned in life by living it, by being an example, not by conducting a seminar or giving people unsolicited advice.

-You will never, ever find a job where you like everyone or everything you do. This holds true for everything...not just work!

-Your only calling is to leave someone better off than you found them. To use them as both your own mirror (when they rub you the wrong way); and to lead by example no matter who is watching.

You are in the right job. No mistakes. No wrong choices. There is no 'better things to come'. You are where you are supposed to be, because that's where you are. Your life work is to make life easier for others. Your life work is to do your own inner-work, to be as clear and receptive to others as humanly possible, and bring THAT into every interaction (whether you are on the clock or not). Your life work is getting up after reading this article, and walking over to the next cube, and saying something that will make that person's burden lighter.

Right now. Stop reading. Start walking over to that cube. Get to work.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Dynamic Duo: Anger and Stress

Anger is perhaps the one and only reason you are reading this blog, seeking answers to your work stress. Anger is so damaging and so hard to contain that when it occurs it can feel like an entity or a current from out of nowhere. After it subsides, we often are left scratching our heads asking ourselves, "What was THAT about?"


Well, to begin to answer the question of "What was THAT?" I have done years of work on my own anger. I come from a long line of angry people. And it scared me to be raised in that environment, but that didn't keep me from displaying anger as an adult. In fact, I could really see the USE of anger sometimes. I mean, you WILL get some attention in a customer service situation, correct?

But in time, it became too damaging to my own self-image and my relationships in general. I could no longer reconcile my anger and my values. After years of research and training---in reality crafting an entire career in pursuit of the answer to, "How can I control my anger?"---I have found my answer (and share it in the hope that it will be your answer too).


This answer may or may not work for you. But if you give this answer a chance, I believe you will find what I have found:

It really isn't YOU that is angry.


The biggest problem with anger is the self-judgment and judgment from others after an explosion of anger takes place. We judge ourselves in hopes that this will keep it from happening again. And I say "It" quite intentionally.


Anger can feel like something bigger and stronger than us. It feels out of our control. It comes in no matter what types of resolutions and commitments to change we have made, and does what it has always done, much to our dismay.


So what do we do?


The Pain Body

Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" doesn't so much speak of anger when he describes something he calls "The Pain Body." Eckhart's work describes an accumulation of pain and hurt and negative emotion---accumulated over many years but never consciously integrated into our bodies---that eventually starts to feel (and act) like an independent entity out of your control.


The Pain Body is usually in play when a repeated reaction to people and problems is well-out of proportion to the situation. It seems to literally take over your mind and body making you say and do things that you know you will regret, but you just can't seem to help yourself. Tolle states that when this dissociative anger is seen through the perception of "It's my pain body" that it starts to dissolve on its own. Anger still happens, but it happens less and less, until ultimately you are responding in the present and no longer reacting to old scripts and patterns.


So what are the details of the Pain Body, and what exactly do we do to stop it? I could continue here with my own interpretation, but the source of this discovery is much better at it than I am. Eckhart and Oprah discuss the pain body in the webcast of his book "The New Earth" in Chapter Five/Webcast Five. I find selecting the closed caption to be very helpful to follow the conversation, by the way. Here is the link:



Watch PAIN BODY Discussion.

If you don't have the time for this webcast, there is a very short video (6:22), that also does the job nicely (Eckhart's voice is the narrator):










Ultimately, you will start to put your conscious attention on the Pain Body---not "your" anger, but this pained entity---and it will happen less and less (not right away, but soon enough after your conscious attention is placed there repeatedly). Hey, if this sounds silly or too far-out, fine. But at least try it. If it doesn't work, you are only right back where you started from: angry.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Awaken....THEN Determine Your Purpose

So many of you contact me asking, "How do I know this job/career is what I'm meant to do?"

Yes, your contribution to our society is relevant, but the most important thing you can do for our planet is to awaken.

Not just awaken to your life purpose or your life work, but to awaken from the social conditioning and collective confusion we all suffer from. Only then can you make the connection between who you are and what you are meant to contribute.


This series of videos from Oprah and Eckhart Tolle will definitely give you what you need to accomplish that on your own. I sincerely hope you will give it your time. Take it fast, one after the other, or take it super-slow....but watch this series as if your life depends on it. I believe it does.

Watch It Now on Oprah.com
See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Nothing More Than Feelings

Emotions are not the enemy. The term "professionalism" has always been about not having, and therefore not showing, emotions (at least not the ones that we find unattractive). And our coworkers FEEL very strongly about this!

Instead of avoiding emotions, try leaning into them. I'm not saying express them---that was the flawed advice of the '70s pop psychologists (who were definitely on the right track). We've all regretted EXPRESSING an emotion in public. Expression and acceptance are not the same thing.

The only way to move through, and end, unwanted emotion is to sit and FEEL THE HECK out of it. Quietly. Alone. Until it's all over. Sound nuts? Try it. You'll see.

According to Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process, "Many of us do not even realize we are living almost exclusively in the mental plane and that our increasing confusion, frustration and sense of hopelessness arise directly from this misplaced reliance."

This obsession with your thoughts (in order to control emotion) ultimately creates boredom. That's because you won't feel the bad feelings and therefore you can't feel the good ones either. You (and I) can be just as resistant to the good feelings because, like anger or sadness, we fear we will lose control if we let in joy or awe without parameters. Being in control via your thoughts creates a nice, safe, consistent, predictable... BORED...person. You can take it. FEEL IT ALL right where you sit. Just let your boredom, worry, sadness, anger, joy, hope, relief...let it all happen in your body.

You can't THINK your way out of emotion. You have to FEEL it. Until it's felt, it will stick around. And let these feelings be okay. It's all just coming and going anyway.

You're only human.

"The only way out is through." ~Carl Jung

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Practice of Tonglen

What the heck's a Tonglen?

Well, there is no need to know this word (I assume it's sanskrit). It's from a Buddhist teaching, and it must be the original source of several modern works that now tell us to EMBRACE stress and anger and upset, instead of suppressing them or managing them (or numbing them with food, drink, etc).


It would have been nice if the psychological community from about 1970 through today had mentioned this, but instead, we've all been flailing about struggling and causing conflict because we were told to EXPRESS these feelings to get them AWAY from us, instead of sitting and feeling them fully and watching them transform.


So, who's surprised that the Buddhists had it right all along? Certainly not me.


I have two sources for you to read-up on this practice and how to do it. The first is Pema Chodron.


Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure...tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem to be.

Go to full article.



The second resource is a page I have personally bookmarked and read regularly. Each time I read this page, I get a better sense of how to implement this practice. It's a good page (from the website Source Point Global Outreach) and I've provided an excerpt and a link here:


In this way of practice, in this way of being, we transform our tendency to close down and shut out life's unpleasant experiences. In accordance with Buddha's First Noble Truth, we acknowledge, touch, and embrace our personal and collective suffering. We do not run away. We do not turn the other way. Touching and understanding suffering is the first step toward true transformation. Rather than avoiding suffering, we develop a more tolerant and compassionate relationship with it. We learn to meet and embrace reality—naked, open, and fearless.


Although the idea of developing a relationship with suffering may sound somewhat morbid, we must remember the teachings of the Second and Third Noble Truths as well: when we touch and embrace suffering, we can finally understand what causes it. When we understand the cause of suffering, we can eliminate it and be liberated. There is an end to suffering, however, we must learn how to meet it in a new way. Tonglen practice can help us accomplish this shift of awareness, this training of the mind.

Go to full article.

And for those who prefer video to reading, here's a quick explanation of how to "do" tonglen:


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Meditate in One Minute?

I found a really cute video that shows you how to meditate in one minute. Ya gotta start somewhere....and disciplining "monkey mind" is definitely Job #1 for creating a peaceful work experience.


From the site:

In One-Moment Meditation: Stillness for People on the Go, Martin Boroson boils down the philosophy of time into a simple form of meditation that you can do anywhere, anytime. It begins with an exercise that takes just one minute per day. With practice, this takes less and less time, until it takes no time at all. Then each and every moment gives you a chance to reduce stress, refresh your mind, and open yourself to new possibilities.

Playful, profound, and above all, practical, One-Moment Meditation teaches you that inner peace is not a distant goal reserved for saints and sages, and it doesn't take a lot of time: it only takes a moment



And here's a one-minute meditation for gratitude:

Gratitude Instructions


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Four Principles of Spirituality

The Four Principles of Spirituality
(by Anthony Hooper)


India teaches us about the four principles of spirituality.


1st Principle: “Whomever you encounter is the right one”


This means that no one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something whether to teach us something or to help us improve a situation.


2nd Principle: “Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”


Absolutely nothing of that which we experience could have been any other way. Not even in the least important detail. There is no “if only I had done that differently… Then it would have been different”. No, what happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have taken place for us to learn a lesson in order to move forward. Every situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.


3rd Principle: “Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”


Everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later. When we are ready for it, for that something new in our life, it is there, ready to begin.


The Final Principle: “What is over, is over”


It is that simple. When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. That is why, enriched by the recent experience, it is better to let go and move on.

This world has billions of people, hundreds of cultures and thousands of lessons to be learned.


So many things can be learned about life if we open our minds to another culture or religion; almost certainly you will find a unique lesson which you can apply to your life.


You don’t have to be a irm believer, instead you can appreciate it for a specific value.

How can we grow if we only feed on what we know?

The world is a big place, we should take a step out of our own backyard every once in a while, don’t you think?


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Are So Selfish

An unfortunate side effect of living in a society is the confusion around being selfish vs. what is necessary self-care. For most of us, we are taught that they are one in the same. And if I had one wish, it would be for the word "selfish" be banned from everyone's vocabulary.


When we call someone selfish, we are ultimately asking someone to not care for themselves over caring for us. We are, in fact, being incredibly selfish in calling someone selfish.


To say someone is selfish is always a form of manipulation. In calling a person selfish, you hope they will stop doing what they wish to do and do what you want instead. Can you see how selfish that is??


Self-care is really lacking in our culture. We just don't know how to do it. We learn to take care of each other, but no one teaches us how to do it for ourselves. We may know how to handle basic hygiene (bathing, brushing our teeth, going to the doctor), but the really big issues, like handling intense feelings, financial stability, regulating our biological needs through inner-guidance....well...these are mostly foreign concepts. We turn to others, we turn OUTWARD, when these things need attention.

Wouldn't it make sense for me to become obsessed with my own self-care? Wouldn't I ultimately be so fortified and energized that when I do meet you, I can give my very best to you? And should you not need me, my best or otherwise, we can simply meet and take each other as whole and complete people. Without agendas. Without manipulation. Without needing anything from one another.


That's self-sufficiency. That's the ultimate in societal care. Selfish in the pursuit of self-care....is the kindest thing we can do for one another.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The 'Disease to Please' : Self-Created Stress

Are you trying to fix people?

One of the main stressors in our lives is "the disease to please." This is a condition where we try to fix other people's problems, make them feel better, let them use us as a free therapist and generally consider their needs over our own. This “disease” is in our control and can be stopped. It can be stopped politely and without damaging important relationships. In fact, it really MUST be stopped. It is probably one of the biggest time consumers and is a major obstacle to enjoying our work and our lives.

Here are some suggestions for getting rid of this learned personality trait:

1. Remember that we teach people how to treat us (that's a truth borrowed from Dr. Phil, by the way). You are 100% responsible for being the office therapist or the "family fixer" when others are unhappy. As long as you continue to accept this role, others will take you up on it!

How to stop it? Simply turn the tables and ask what the person has tried already to fix their own problem and don't let yourself fall into the familiar habit of offering advice or offering to take on the problem. The people in your life will subtly start to understand that you are no longer a source for "dumping" their emotional baggage.

2. Stop feeling responsible for taking away any pain you encounter. If you believe it is your job to lift pain from everyone who steps into your world, you will quickly feel overwhelmed and depleted of energy. Others must make their own choices to remove themselves from situations that are causing them to struggle.

3. Stop equating worry with kindness or being nice. Worry is not an expression of friendship, loyalty, good parenting or work ethic. It is an expression of anxiety, fear or mistrust. Trust that others will work out their problems, just like you work out your own. Telling someone you are worried about them confirms that they are not capable of handling their own lives (in your opinion).

4. Stop viewing yourself as ONLY a helping hand. Adding up the parents in our world, the helping professions like police, fire fighters, teachers and nurses and you've got a LOT of people who view themselves as helpers. The problem arises when you can't see yourself as anything BUT a helper. While this role is noble and meaningful, it is not your only function in this life.

You don't have to fix or help everyone, every time. This week practice just noticing this tendency and then move to just sitting and observing others. Do your best to break the habit of fixing other's problems and “overhelping.” You will likely start to notice less stress, more free time and more equal relationships.

If trying to please others--to the exclusion of pleasing yourself--is a reoccurring theme for you, you may be feeling like you don’t even know what your career goals are, much less making the daily effort to strive toward them!

To facilitate removing this common obstacle, here are some insights to "chew on“ during this week. Place these quotes in locations where you will see them often. Review the ones you like best upon awakening and before going to sleep for one week:


Naturalness is the easiest thing in the world to acquire, if you will forget yourself--forget about the impression you are trying to make.

~ Dale Carnegie ~

The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another's keeping.

~ Claudius Claudianus ~

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.

~Raymond Hull~

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.

~Goethe~

People who want the most approval get the least, and people who need approval the least, get the most.

~Wayne Dyer~

Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.

~Mark Twain~


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Don't Take the Wax Out of Your Ears !

One of my favorite "inventions" for stress relief is wax earplugs. I know!

I often wear them in the office and find when I am only able to hear my inhale and exhale that everything becomes much, much less stressful. Sure, I have longish hair, so they are covered from view. AND I don't have to answer phones at work. So for some of you, this may not be an option.

I do this at home too though. Give it a try...you may be very surprised at how much of your tension is caused by all the NOISE!




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.