Breaking the Habit of Being Right

Day Four.

A bit more proactive today. Keep a focus on not knowing. The thought is "I don't know for sure, either way." When you notice you have an opinion, wait to voice it. Ask questions about the other views. Keep your opinion to yourself until it is requested. Work to seek the BEST option vs. sharing your option.

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the ...habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)

Share with us your insights, progress and any setbacks in the COMMENTS ON THIS TOPIC box below. All are useful in the breaking down of a habit and the building of a new one. With everyone you communicate with, even your children, stay aware and open to the other's view. Don't keep putting your opinion so strongly into conversations. See if you can wait until you are asked for it. It may not be asked for at all, and this can be a very interesting discovery in and of itself.

See Work Stress Solutions for more good stuff.

Cultural Conditioning and Being Right

Day Three.

“Character comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.”
~Peter T. McIntyre

Well, we're not there yet, at only three days in, but we are starting to see how insidious this being right stuff is. One more day of noticing, but with a twist:

Today, realize that you were conditioned by your parents to be right (or you were punished) and your teachers (they even sent home an official little card to show how right or wrong you were), but when we get into adult relationships and careers, being right is the kiss of death when it comes to being someone you can TRUST. And TRUST, is the ultimate test of any quality relationship (love is a distant second---more about that later).

As you go about your day, CONTINUING to NOTICE how you label things as right or wrong, and get unhappy when you choose "wrong", also notice where you are saying to yourself, "He/she has to be right. Ha! I'm so much more evolved than that one. I know about this being right nonsense now." It's just you, still trying to be right and making another person wrong.

Just notice. And....try not to be right today!

P.M. Entry

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)


See Work Stress Solutions for LOTS more like this...

Being Wrong: Day Two of the 30-Day Challenge

Day Two. Right vs. Wrong Challenge. Today, I'd like to continue to increase your awareness (and mine) about how much time and energy we place on categorizing things as right or wrong. And how angry it makes us when we decide "wrong." Perhaps you can do this mentally, but I'm betting you will have a bigger light bulb moment if you keep manual track. A Post-It and a pen by your side today? Notice when you listen to the news, while commuting, in the office, at home, reading emails, reading Facebook...how often do you get an charge of some kind of DISCOMFORT because you labeled something WRONG. Never mind the charge that we get when we SAY it. For today, I want you to notice how prevalent it is in your thinking and how unhappy it makes YOU and no one else.

Afternoon Follow Up:

Remember to note the drivers' wrong-doings on your commute. Notice how often you correct your kids tonight vs. just letting them figure it out on their own "for their own good". With your loved ones, notice the way the direction of your small talk goes---do you go straight to the negative, the news, the dramas of your workplace? How 'bout comments in emails or Facebook. Do you feel the itch to straighten someone out? Do they need a good dose of YOUR opinion?? Write it down!

See more articles and posts like this one on Work Stress Solutions.Com.

Day One of 30-Day Challenge : Our Irresistible Need to Be Right

Day One of our "When Being Right is Wrong" Challenge.

Dr. Robert Bolten, of the bestselling "People Skills" said this about his twenty-five year research on conflict: "Over 95% of all conflict stems from our own irresistible need to be right."

Today, just NOTICE (it's only Day One!) where you need to be right. Notice how you can't STAND to be thought wrong. Notice how you mentally yell at yourself for a mistake. Just NOTICE today (and share any insights with us, please!)

AFTERNOON FOLLOW-UP:

At 5pm on Day One of the "Don't Be Right" challenge, check in with yourself. How did you do? Did you catch yourself struggling with inserting your opinion, being irritated with someone who didn't share your view? Did you notice how often other people (unknowingly) make you wrong in an effort to make themselves right? Share with all of us... what you did that was successful and what you learned when you weren't.

See Work Stress Solutions.Com for more articles like this one.

When Being Right is Wrong...

When Being Right is Wrong...

In my private practice and in my public workshops, I have discovered one thing: Everyone's problem is coming from just one thought...

This thing/guy/situation is WRONG and I am right.

And because this just can't be true for everyone, or anyone, many of us on Facebook took on a 30-Day Challenge to NOT be right. Yep. To be wrong.

Or at least to see that being right is never the highest prize. That building trust is where we find satisfaction in our key relationships. And forcing our rightness, our opinion, our judgment on another is never a trust-builder. Apologizing, admitting mistakes, correcting our errors are always the way to go (and means we were wrong, by the way).

Follow our attempt to change our habit (28 days) and add two more days for good measure, and work on doing the right thing, by not being right.

See Work Stress Solutions for all 30 days...

You Are What You THINK?

Do you want to know why you feel badly most of the time?

I've done the reading. I've done the work. I KNOW what makes you (and me) feel stress, discomfort, anxiety, nervous, upset, angry, irritated...call it what you want. Bottom line: You're not happy.

You can treat your unhappiness like a speck of dust that's on the projector screen in front of you. Every time the picture changes, the speck of dust is now on something else, something different. Or...you can direct your attention to where the speck of dust actually resides: on the camera lens.

What you THINK creates the way you FEEL. You don't have a feeling and then have a thought about it. It's exactly the other way around.

You can change the environment, the people in your life, your body, your bank account. YOU CAN get these "specks of dust" to shift and move and maybe improve. But, just like the changing scenes in a movie, it won't last.

So, let's go for the pay dirt here. You have to wipe off the speck of dust on the camera lens...and that means change your mind from thinking what you think.

Most of our thoughts are just theories. Is this what's happening? Could he have meant this? What was that look about? Will this traffic make me late? Will this outfit impress them? What will happen if that bill passes the House? It's all just conjecture. And very little of it is factual.

Think of thoughts as specks of dust...blow them away...and put 'theories' in place that make you feel mellow, calm, at peace. How?

First, always ask yourself if the thought you are having is 100% truth. Can you know without a shadow of a doubt that "the traffic will make me late"? Then what are you doing? Do you think that by being stressed and tense you will make the traffic move faster? If so, then ask yourself again, "Is this 100% truth?" Is it absolutely true that you will be late? That your tension will be communicated to other drivers and you will move the traffic along?

Another way to change your mind and therefore your emotion is to turn your stressful thought around completely. The reverse is almost ALWAYS true too, if not truer.

So back to our traffic theory. "The traffic will make me late." The exact opposite is, "The traffic will not make me late." It's just as likely. You can't see into the future. And if we are being 100% truthful here, isn't your late departure the reason you are possibly running late? And you do have control over that...at least the next time.

Post these somewhere like your bathroom mirror or car dashboard:

-Is it 100% truth?
-What is the exact opposite (and is that just as true or truer?)

Here's to feeling pretty darn good...starting right now. It's just a thought away.

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#43 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Feeling Inferior: It's Your Choice

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

No doubt you have seen this famous quote before, but I'd like to explore this further from the perspective of why we give that consent to feel inferior. There are a couple of generally accepted rules-of-thumb on why we get our buttons pushed---although these reasons may, well, push your buttons. The first reason is:

Consider the source.

The person who has criticized you matters to you. You respect them or like them or feel they have some kind of influence over your life, and their comments are taken seriously. If this were not the case, you would not take the words to heart. Here's an example:

If my spouse said, "Those are funny-looking earrings," I would probably feel hurt. If the neighbor's two-year-old child came over and said, "Those are funny-looking earrings," I would weigh the comment and consider the source:

-This is a little kid I hardly know and have no significant relationship with.
-He doesn't have a strong command of the English language yet, so he may have meant "amusing" or "fun" instead of "funny."
-Generally, though there may be some exceptions to the rule here, I don't find that two-year-old children have exquisite taste in jewelry.

Therefore, the truth of whether my earrings are actually funny-looking or fantastic is not the point. The point is the source of the comment. I give my consent to feel badly, inferior, angry, or some other unpleasant sensation based on the source of the comment rather than the reality of the comment.

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#42 of The 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Perfection Repaired

When you set perfection as the standard for all of your objectives, you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. You deny yourself the reality that you can only become better when you are allowed to try new things, take risks, and make mistakes. The necessity of self-acceptance becomes impossible, and this lack of acceptance is used as a barometer for others' performance as well.

If you are deeply ingrained in the perfectionist mindset, then this information is probably being discounted by you. I urge you to just notice the possibility that you may be causing yourself unnecessary wear and tear by striving to achieve a standard that no one but you insists on. Read the following suggestions and select one to keep in mind for the following week.

*Remember that you have a distinct and unique contribution. Stop comparing yourself to others.

*Develop your own style and preferences instead of following another person's way.

*Stop analyzing every interaction/conversation you have with important others.

*Accept the fact that sometimes you will make poor decisions and that you will learn from them.

*Remember : perfection is not possible for humans!!


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#41 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be a standard to shoot for but becomes unhealthy when it is the only standard accepted. Some people take the goal of perfection too far...and there is a price to pay. True perfectionists are never satisfied. Chronic or daily attempts to achieve perfection are driven by feelings of inferiority and self-hatred. This not only impacts perfectionists and their health, it seriously damages the morale of coworkers. It is the leading cause of procrastination, ironically, as the tendency to procrastinate creates even more self-loathing, and the cycle continues.

Perfectionism has not received enough attention in the workplace. It can be one of the most destructive traits to both the individual and to others' motivation and workplace self-esteem. I have seen few personality characteristics as problematic as the need for perfection.

Are you a perfectionist?

*Do you find yourself becoming frustrated because you feel that you aren't as far along as others?

*Do you feel others (even loved ones) are always assessing you, from your clothing choice to your word choice...that you are regularly scrutinized by the people in your life?

*Do you criticize yourself even when you are learning something new?

*Do you expect yourself to do everything well at all times?

*Do you find yourself taking part in activities in which you have little interest to gain approval?

*Do you find that when you do something that satisfies you, it is short-lived (for example, the next day you are back to trying to accomplish perfection?)

*Have you been told by the people around you that you focus on the problems in life, and even if everything is okay, you find something that bothers you?

*With most tasks, do you feel that there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way to do them and that you are uncomfortable with alternative ways of getting them done?

If you answered "yes" to more than a couple of these, then I would start to work on your need for perfection. I can honestly think of few reasons for hating your job more than demanding perfection from others or having it demanded upon you on a daily basis.

It's really that simple.



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#40 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure: Neither Fatal nor Final

For some, writing or journaling produces nothing but a groan. If you are not the writing type, there are still some ways to effectively process a mistake, a misstep, or an outright failure.

Talk to someone.

Make sure you respect and trust this individual or it may make matters worse. A trust confidante with a good head on his shoulders is invaluable. What talking does is takes the monster out of your head, just like the journaling suggestion in the previous post. Some of us are visual and would prefer to write it out (and some of us may be more private than others). Others are more verbal and also benefit from a different perspective. Either way, you will get a better handle on the failure.

Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

Lather: Mourn the failure (as in, get in a lather).

Rinse: Cleanse yourself mentally and emotionally by getting the failure into a manageable size (see previous tip).

Repeat as needed: Or more accurately---DON'T repeat. Promise yourself you'll learn from this mistake and not do it again. Or really try to find what the reason for this failure may have been...what lesson did you learn?

When I feel like I have failed, I read a quote I have posted near me at all times: "This, too, shall pass." Trite? Take time to think about the words you have heard so many times before. The failure, the humiliation of the failure, will ultimately pass with time. You will not and cannot stay in this moment. Consider failure from the past: doesn't it seem less important now? Maybe even funny? At least it got you to where you are today. Can't deny that!

If all else fails (sorry), ask yourself, "In five years, will this really matter?" Works like a charm!

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." ~Winston Churchill

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