Fear of Anger - Yours and Others

Great article on the biggest stressor of all: ANGER.

Are you terrified of others' anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control? If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others' anger.

Fear of Others' Anger

I grew up with a very angry mother and I was terrified of her anger. Her anger was irrational and it came out of nowhere. My whole body used to shake when she got angry.

For years as an adult, I continued to be terrified of anger, as I had no idea how to take care of myself in the face of another's anger. When you don't know how to respond to another's anger, your fight, flight or freeze response gets activated, and for me it was freeze. I would become so frozen that I was unable to say much at all. When I could talk again, I would try to explain, defend, or scurry around trying to please.

Now I'm no longer afraid of others' anger. I still shake inside if the anger is irrational, and now I know the shaking is my inner guidance letting me know that danger is occurring, and I listen carefully to what my inner guidance is telling me.

I'm no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage. If I think the person might open with me, I gently say, "I hear that you are angry and I'd like to understand why you are angry, but it will be much easier for me to hear you if you stop attacking me."

If I'm pretty sure that the person won't open, then I say something like, "This feels hurtful so I'm going to take a walk. Let me know when you are ready to talk without blaming me."

The fact that I can now do one of these two things takes away my fear. My inner child knows that I, as a loving adult, am going to take care of the situation so that she isn't hurt by it as she was as a child.

Fear of Your Anger

Many people who grew up with violence do not want to be anything like their angry parent or caregiver. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will become irrational and hurtful like some of the adults were when they were growing up.

If you have this fear, it is important for you to understand the difference between anger intent on controlling - which comes from an out of control wounded person and is very scary - and anger intent on learning. When your intent is to learn from your anger rather than dump it on someone else in the form of attack and blame, then you embrace your angry feelings as information. Your angry feelings are telling you that there is some way you are not taking care of yourself - some way you are abandoning yourself. When you consistently move into learning from your anger rather than act it out on others, you lose your fear of your anger.

All our emotions are informational, and our anger is no different. When you open to learning from your own anger, and you open to learning with another who is angry or you lovingly disengage, you will heal your fear of anger.

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I'm no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage.

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See website of author Dr. Margaret Paul for more on ANGER.


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The Cost of Stress

Courtesy of: EnMast.com

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Two Big Mistakes

I recently declared my New Year's resolution and it may surprise some, but not those that are frequent readers of my blog and website. I am resolved to embrace my imperfectness in 2014.

Perfection is something I've written about in the past, and mostly it amounts to one thing: self-hatred. I like to say that. And I say it often in my workshops. It's a bit of a slap, and it makes people pay attention to what I say next.

We spend a lot of time and money chasing perfection. We do it in the school system, in the workplace, with our families, to our bodies. It's an impossible standard, we know it, and yet we still think we can hit it if we just try a little harder and stay positive.

And then it happens. We sweat and strain and hide and pretend and even lie...so that we appear perfect and then we inevitably make a mistake. Next, our entire self-worth comes tumbling down---usually with an audience of perfectionistic-seekers---who are more than happy to shift the focus off of themselves and emphasize this fall from grace. Oh, for shame. You aren't perfect.

The author of "In Search for Excellence," Tom Peters, based his book on the research around risk taking, problem solving, decision making and mistakes. He found that if we take risks, stretch outside our comfort zone, try for something bigger and better, we will make two big mistakes a year. He followed big decision-makers around like CEOs and politicians and noted that those who used extensive research and problem solving techniques and strategic planning were still going to be playing the odds of fate or partial information or just simply not knowing what the future holds and would make two big mistakes a year.

What did he find when he followed and charted and studied those who played it safe, kept in their comfort zone, focused on what was known and sure? That these people would also make two mistakes a year. So the reader was urged to embrace these two mistakes, anticipate them even.

I think we would serve ourselves better by being ready for mistakes and put our energies into the correction when they come, rather than attempting perfection in the first place. The effort is enormous, the cost is dear and it doesn't work (in case that matters to anyone). Let the people in your workplaces and your homes know that you are a safe place for reporting mistakes. That you will participate in the clean-up. That you will not shame or blame when the inevitable happens, but instead use the energy to repair and rebuild what was damaged.

That's the recipe for trust and ensuring excellence. That's the recipe for emotionally healthy groups, companies and families. Excellence is possible. Better outcomes are out there. And they are far more likely to arise when people are calm and assured of support when they make a misstep rather then being ostracized, rejected and left alone to handle their imperfect humanness.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

ACIM: Bringing The Darkness To Light

Marianne Williamson helping you understand your shadow self:

ACIM: Bringing The Darkness To Light



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The 14 Habits of Highly Miserable People

I sincerely hope you will click through and read the entire article by Cloe Madanes, but just in case you can't take the time, here they are:

How to Succeed at Self-Sabotage:

1. Be afraid, be very afraid, of economic loss.
2. Practice sustained boredom.
3. Give yourself a negative identity.
4. Pick fights.
5. Attribute bad intentions.
6. Whatever you do, do it only for personal gain.
7. Avoid gratitude.
8. Always be alert and in a state of anxiety.
9. Blame your parents.
10. Don’t enjoy life’s pleasures.
11. Ruminate.
12. Glorify or vilify the past.
13. Find a romantic partner to reform.
14. Be critical.


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Some Motivational Posters for Work Stress Relief

These technically have nothing to do with work or career...right? You guys are too sophisticated to fall for that old-school view! Personal and professional can't be separated. One will always "inform" the other. Unhappy at work...unhappy at home and vice versa.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Lazy Days Are Gone

Today, someone called me lazy. It was in one of the Facebook groups I'm in, so the person doesn't really know me, but it got me thinking. Lazy isn't possible. You want to know why?

Interest can't be manufactured. You're either interested in something or you are not. Now, we can definitely make it possible for you to FAKE interest a lot better than you are right now. This is done through praise or punishment; the carrot or the stick.

If you don't have a natural interest in coming into work every day at 8am, are you lazy? I'd say no. I'd call that normal. Regardless, the employer needs you there at 8am. So she ensures that happens UNnaturally by bribing you (giving you a salary). Otherwise, you'd never do it. And if you take that carrot and you still don't find the motivation to get there by 8am? Well...now it's time for the stick: You'll probably be written-up, punished, docked pay and even fired for not faking your interest better than you did.

But make no mistake: The word "lazy" is just another stick. It's meant to shame so that a person will act when they have no natural interest in the first place.

Don't fall for it (unless there's a good reason).

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Keep Your Enemies Closer?

I have a friend that I met through Facebook. We've met in "real life" too and confirmed it. Yep. We're friends alright. She just posted this in one of the groups we are in...and it's really gorgeous. Thought I'd share it here and have you consider it the next time you have workplace conflict:

A Soulforce Credo About My Adversary

I believe that my adversary is also a child of the Creator, that we are both members of the same human family, that we are sisters and brothers in need of reconciliation.

I believe that my adversary is not my enemy, but a victim of misinformation as I have been.

I believe that my only task is to bring my adversary truth in love (nonviolence) relentlessly.

I believe that my adversary's motives are as pure as mine and of no relevance to our discussion.

I believe that even my worst adversary has an amazing potential for positive change.

I believe that my adversary may have an insight into truth that I do not have.

I believe that one day my adversary and I will understand each other and that if we conduct our search for truth guided by the principles of love, we will find a new position to satisfy us both.

~From http://soulforce.com/

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Anger Is Never Justified

"Anger is never justified." ~ A Course in Miracles - Foundation for Inner Peace

Now this is tricky...because anger is necessary, it's just not okay to express it or repress it. Expressing anger hurts others. Repressing it hurts you. It's a matter of choosing others over yourself when you "sit on it" (or eat it away, drink it away, smoke it away, etc.). Not okay with me. We get to choose ourselves as LEAST as much as we choose others. I'm quite sure God/dess would agree with that!

So, what to do? Well, anger is an invitation. Anger is a catalyst. Anger is self-protection in action. When you feel it, that's your cue to find what you REALLY want to express. It's the force inside you to dig deeper, go further, GROW and find the real response in you.

This may be sadness, it may be fear, it may be a request for someone to love you better. It's okay to share THESE. These are justified. You are justified.

Try it. Test it. See for yourself.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Being Right vs. Doing the Right Thing

'Being Right' and 'Doing the Right Thing' are not synonymous. In fact, to do the right thing often involves admitting you were wrong, apologizing, letting someone else take the credit and so on.

Doing the right thing is not about keeping score. It's about recognizing that the only truth worth living is, "Everybody wins or nobody wins." That's Bruce Springsteen's quote, and I'm sure he won't mind me using it here (esp. since I have dedicated my life to drooling over his album covers whenever time permits).

Anyway (straightens shirts and smooths hair), as I was saying.

Being right is a tragic thing to pursue. The school system enforced this horrible notion and it's high time we dropped it collectively. The right thing is: Did you learn the math? Being right is: Did you learn it on this date, for this test, and outmatch your peers in the proving of this learning?

What a lot of effort for no pay-off except self-congratulations. Because let's be clear: the right person is no fun to be around. Haven't you noticed the lack of lunch companions?

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Cool or Kind?

You can be kind or you can be cool. Those are the choices. There is no overlap between these choices. Don't kid yourself. You cannot choose cool and think you can somehow turn it into kind. It won't work. Try it. Test it. See for yourself.

If you choose cool, you will then have to move into one of two other choices: Victim or Bully. Will you recoil from the bite you receive from another also playing the cool option and then blame him for doing what you were doing too? Or will you dominate that cool player successfully and smack him down with finesse and cunning?

If you choose kind, you have only one choice remaining: love. The outcome of the exchange will result in love between the two of you. Every single time. Try it. Test it. See for yourself.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

A Technique for Emotionally Rebooting Yourself

A technique created by Christine Wushke to basically understand your brain in four different sections, understand what each section does, and learn how to work it in a moment of high reactivity, or a big feeling.

Article or http://freelyhuman.com/hello-world/

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Plan to Fail

It seems to me more and more that the absolute worst way to prepare for life, a new situation, a challenge or difficulty is to hold the expectation of perfection. To spend hours and even days, tense and worried about not getting what I want or failing in some way, is automatic for me. Surely, a better way to spend the mental energy would be how I will walk away or fail or not get what I planned. How will I calmly and sincerely/humbly apologize or admit my error (which is a 50/50 proposition every single day) or stand in open laughter or judgment from others?

That will likely be an outcome. Perfection is just as likely anyway. I think I'd rather practice NOT getting what I wanted or having things NOT be accepted as I thought. then attempt to force things to go my way. I know I don't have to practice getting what I want. There is no need to learn or practice how to handle the result of getting what you want.

The other day I really 'stepped in it'. Instead of defending myself or arguing or running...I just said, "Yeah...wow...that was not cool of me. I'm sorry." And some of the folks were okay with that and some weren't. But I was okay with it. That's all I could do. I can't prevent screwing up...I can only try to repair what I've broken after the fact as graciously and kindly as possible. That's the nature of this life. Accept it or not, that's your choice---it's just easier if you do.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Reversing Judgments of Others

(from Byron Katie)

Practice noticing when you judge or criticize someone or something. For example, in a grocery store line, you might be impatient and think the person in front of you is disorganized and rude. Quickly turn your judgment around and ask yourself: "Is it just as true about me? Am I rude? (Am I rude sometimes; to others - or to myself?) Am I being rude inside of me when I think they are rude?"

This exercise takes your attention off the "other" and places your attention on you. Forgiveness naturally results. Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.

Remember, beyond the appearance of who it is you are looking at, it is always God disguised, standing in front of you so that you can know yourself. Reversing judgments allows complete forgiveness. Forgiveness leads to awareness of oneself, and reestablishes personal integrity.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Right Brain or Left Brain?

Roger Sperry theorized that the right side of the brain controlled creative tasks, while the left side was where logic, language and reasoning lived.

People were fascinated by the idea, and in the three decades since, bookstores, television, the Internet and college psychology classes everywhere have been filled with endless discussions of the differences between right-brain, left-brain, and whole-brain thinkers.

The following link takes you to a picture of a spinning woman....the direction you see her spinning in will tell you which side of your brain dominates your thinking:

Go to Test.

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Dealing with the Inner Critic

This is one of my favorite teachers, and this may be my favorite video of his so far (and that's saying something). Now look here, if you have a problem with swear words, well, you're just going to miss out on some really good stuff in life, so get over that. Personally, I think they add delightful flavor and realism. So here's Benjamin Smythe being perfect (and swearing occasionally) and you should you watch this one right away to feel better about stuff. I mean...isn't that why you are on this blog in the first place??




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The 100% Perfect Conflict Resolution Method

Are you ready for the way to handle all conflict? You sure? Cuz some of you seem like you really like it...so I just want to check first. Okay....here it is:

You ask the person: What is it that you REALLY want here/from me? What is the deepest/truest thing that you need right now? If I can provide this, I will. Otherwise, you may have to do it for yourself.

Everyone got it? You gotta mean it though. You gotta be willing to deliver if you can.

Now, get back out there and play well with others.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Addicted to Thoughts?

Some thoughts stick like velcro. And most of us only use our thinking function and have forgotten (or don't even know about) the other ways we can take in information and make decisions and just simply be still sometimes.

This is a very informative talk by Adyashanti. Simple, clear, funny...I think you will like this one a lot:

Adyashanti Talk on SoundCloud.Com

Some quotes from the video:

"All fear comes from thought in the form of memory (past) or projection (future)."
"What do thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. happen to? The mind says it all happens to me."
"What is your relationship to that endless stream of thoughts in your head? Do you take them to be yours?"

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Work Stress Gone with a Pill?? : Lithium Orotate (Not THAT Lithium!!)

I just started taking this myself and am so excited at the results. Please watch this short video with Dr. John Gray (remember him? Men are From Mars, etc?). This is NOT the lithium you have heard about for people with bipolar disorder. This is something safe, inexpensive and readily available.



Lithium orotate is a natural dietary supplement that can be used in small doses to manage stress and treat conditions like depression, ADHD and PMS.

Many relationship problems and most addiction problems stem from a deficiency of amino acids and minerals in the body. One of the oldest and most researched treatments for emotional difficulties is the mineral, Lithium. It helps balance the production of two hormones, dopamine and serotonin.

In the 1970s, German doctors discovered that if you bind small quantities of the mineral, Lithium with Orotate salt, it could effectively deliver the necessary Lithium to the brain. It was also determined that the body only needs 4.5 milligrams of Lithium; not 500 milligrams, as is often prescribed and produces undesirable side effects.


Unlike lithium carbonate and lithium citrate, the common prescribed forms of lithium, lithium orotate is better absorbed into the brain, so you can take smaller doeses to feel better and have less side effects, if any. Lithium orotate is safer than lithium citrate or lithium carbonate because you can take less of it and still feel the best of lithium.

Animal studies that compared lithium carbonate and lithium orotate found the concentrations of lithium orotate were three times higher in the brain than lithium carbonate. The FDA has approved “Lithium Orotate” for sale in America. “Lithium Orotate” has what is called a "GRAS" status, which means, “generally regarded as safe.” This is the same status that natural food supplements have in the health food stores.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Stress and Your Health (Graphic)

FROM http://www.bestpsychologydegrees.org/stress-and-your-health/

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Shut Up and Go to Sleep

I sleep 10-12 hours every night.

People say to me at this point, "OMG. How can you, why do you, sleep so much??? That is just weird! You are my stress management instructor, and you are telling me to SLEEP MORE?? What about all the things I have to do and are you DEPRESSED or something?"

To which I remark:

1. No one in this room has ever had their alarm go off in the morning, reached over to turn it off, thinking in their mind: Thank GOD it's time to get up. I was getting SO BORED of sleeping.

2. When you wake up from this alarm, every single day, I know what runs through your head: Holy Mother of God, how am I going to make it through another work day??? I am SOOOOO tired.

So, zip it and go to bed earlier. Every night. Every single night for the rest of your life. You will no longer need "stress management," I assure you.

I just put myself out of business---and gladly so.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

This is Water (An Amazing Video)

Watch this. It's important:



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Video Documentary on Enlightenment, "Deceptively Simple," by Mark Pifer

Mark Pifer's documentary, a personal view of enlightenment.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6AkXYl4sKo
See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

15 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:


1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind.” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it. “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls,” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

From an article on http://worldobserveronline.com/2012/04/25/15-things-you-should-give-up-to-be-happy/

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Free Teleseminar with Stephanie: The Nature of Reality

MP3 "The Nature of Reality" teleseminar with Stephanie Goddard:


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Victim vs. Bully in the Workplace

Are you a victim or are you a bully?



These are strong words and they bring up strong feelings. Many of us believe strongly that we are victims and we have the stories to prove it. We rarely think of ourselves as bullies...if ever. But if we are victims, we are also bullies.

If you sit quietly and locate your most basic self, you will see that nothing is really wrong with you. You are fine. The part of you that you would call YOU, your essence, has never been harmed and can never be harmed. Can you find that person? For me, this essence is who I think I really am. I sometimes have to reach way back into mid-childhood to find that feeling, the feeling of Stephanie. This is the part of me that never changed and never will.

That's the part I want to speak to today. I don't want to talk to the part of you that tells the stories of how you've been done wrong. I don't want to hear your sad story, not today. We all have them, we all believe them, and on some level we know we are okay anyway. We tell the story of the bully---the parent or the system or the teacher or the lover--who treated us badly, made us like this, and we keep telling it, hoping it will be truer in the retelling.

But the reason I (and you) need to keep talking about this, is because it isn't true. It needs a lot of reinforcement, because it's a story that could and should be let go. You are more than a story in your past. And you are reading this now, so I know you are strong enough to walk past this story and get on with your life.

Who is the Bully?

If everyone is the victim (and we all have a story that proves we are), then who was the bully? Who perpetuated all these crimes? And have you ever asked your bully why they did what they did? If you have, you got an answer that said, "I was a victim once too, and that's why I acted like that." It's the belief in being a victim, that makes us overshoot a situation, maybe in self-defense, maybe to get back what we feel we lost, maybe to prove we are worthy of more. And so we bully or victimize another. Maybe our bully thinks we are his bully. Has that been as true if not truer than your original tale?

If this is all sounding a bit ridiculous, well, I couldn't agree more. I spent many years (and lots of therapy dollars) telling my story over and over...and eventually I just said, "Where's the exit ramp? How do I get on with my life?" The exit ramp is to stop telling the story. Stop telling it to your friends, your therapist and yourself. If you must tell a story, tell the ones you have forgotten (as have I) of where you were the bully. Can you imagine telling your friends about when you were the boyfriend dumper? Or how about when you didn't pay money back to someone? Have you also talked behind someone's back? Those stories...well...they seem to be magically erased when we are asked to recall them, don't they? You and I can do the same with our victim story too.

Who is the Victim?

When you declare yourself victimized, then there is a guilty party. There is someone to blame, and they are bad. This is the victim's weapon (inflicting guilt). This is how the victim/bully cycle perpetuates itself.

If I believe (tell myself the story) that I have been bullied by you and you have hurt me, then you are wrong. You are a bad person. You should be punished. This punishment may be "nothing more" than social judgment or rejection. And this punishment will last as long as I, the victim, decide you are the bad guy.

So, now the "bully" (whose weapon is control and power), now feels like the victim, because you made him guilty without an objective trial. He was found guilty without a jury of his peers, if you will. So in order to gain back a feeling of control, he will victimize you again. To prove he is right and YOU are actually the bad person, the weakling, the one worthy of judgment.

And so the cycle is attack/defend, defend/attack. And it will not end until both parties see that they are neither victims nor bullies. They are trying to get their needs met, albeit in a very ineffective way. What are their needs? To be accepted. To be liked. To be respected or admired.

Once you see this pattern in operation, you have come a very long way toward stopping it. It takes time to see this cycle, and it isn't easy or fun. Very few people will encourage you (though they will continue to encourage victim or bully behavior, oddly). You will be doing this work for you and you alone. But the reward is great. The reward is self-acceptance.

Author's note: Yes, I know about true victimization. With the exception of children or adults unable to protect themselves, I still hold to my message above : that once we've moved through these painful life lessons, we drop the story of being the victim and get on with our lives. Just dropping the story is proof of your inner strength. You can also reach back and help someone currently struggling. If that means helping and empowering people to stand up for themselves, or sending in funding for a group that helps temporary victims, these would be huge strides toward stopping the victim/bully cycle in our own life----and turning these experiences into something positive.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Charlotte Joko Beck Quotes

It's not often that I dedicate a page to one person and their quotes (I don't think I've ever done this, in fact)...but I just discovered this woman and she is worth every keystroke:




“When we refuse to work with our disappointment, we break the Precepts: rather than experience the disappointment, we resort to anger, greed, gossip, criticism. Yet it's the moment of being that disappointment which is fruitful; and, if we are not willing to do that, at least we should notice that we are not willing. The moment of disappointment in life is an incomparable gift that we receive many times a day if we're alert. This gift is always present in anyone's life, that moment when 'It's not the way I want it!”



“There is a foundation for our lives, a place in which our life rests. That place is nothing but the present moment, as we see, hear, experience what is. If we do not return to that place, we live our lives out of our heads. We blame others; we complain; we feel sorry for ourselves. All of these symptoms show that we're stuck in our thoughts. We're out of touch with the open space that is always right here.”
― from Nothing Special




“Anxiety is always a gap between the way things are and the way we think they ought to be. Anxiety is something that stretches between the real and unreal. Our human desire is to avoid what's real and instead to be with our ideas about the world:

"I'm terrible." "You're terrible." "You're wonderful." The idea is separated from reality and anxiety is the gap between the idea and the reality that things are just as they are.




When we cease to believe in the object that we've created -- which is off to one side of reality, so to speak -- things snap back to the center. That's what being centered means. The anxiety then fades out.”





“Most of our difficulties, our hopes, and our worries are empty fantasies. Nothing has ever existed except this moment. That's all there is. That's all we are. Yet most human beings spend 50 to 90 percent or more of their time in their imagination, living in fantasy. We think about what has happened to us, what might have happened, how we feel about it, how we should be different, how others should be different, how it's all a shame, and on and on; it's all fantasy, all imagination. Memory is imagination. Every memory that we stick to devastates our life.”
― Nothing Special




“Body tension will always be present if our good feeling is just ordinary, self-centered happiness. Joy has no tension in it, because joy accepts whatever is as it is.”




“Joy is being willing for things to be as they are.”




“...we're constantly waking up to what we're about, what we're really doing in our lives. And the fact is, that's painful. But there's no possibility of freedom without this pain.”




“It's of no use to look back and say, "I should have been different." At any given moment, we are the way we are, and we see what we're able to see. For that reason, guilt is always inappropriate.”




'Guilt has a lot of arrogance in it.'

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Would You Brag About Having an Eating Disorder?

Not sleeping 8-10 hours every night?

So many people are not..we've been taught it's lazy to sleep a full night, every night. That's a problem.

The increased weight gain of our society has been attributed in large part to inadequate sleep. There is a one to one connection (which is frankly unheard of in most double-blind studies) that people who sleep less than eight hours a night are unable to lose excess weight. Public safety officials report that the #1 reason people get in car wrecks is sleep deprivation. How many mistakes have YOU made at work this week? And why hasn't that 10th cup of coffee made a difference?

Let's work on this, folks. It's silly to call yourself 'lazy' for needing 8-10 hours a night. And bragging that you only sleep four hours a night (I hear this one a lot from men, especially) is like bragging that you have anorexia. It's a basic need and not negotiable.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Three (Free) One-Minute Stress Breakers

Do one of these three things when you are stressed. They will work. But only if you do it.

1. One Minute Meditation.
Learn to meditate in a moment with this hugely popular animated video, based on Martin Boroson's book, One-Moment Meditation. Reduce stress, improve focus and find peace ... right now.

2. EFT or Tapping.
Emotional Freedom Technique. Also called Psychological Acupressure. Resets the nervous system.

3. Alternate Nostril Breathing.
Balances the right and left hemispheres of the brain.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Excerpts from "Pain in the Butt @ Work" E-book

Here are the first three suggestions out of 101 ways to deal with a pain in the butt at work. That is the title to my FREE e-book ("101 Ways to Deal with a Pain in the Butt @ Work")

#1
First, make extra sure YOU’RE not the Pain-in-the-Butt.

Look, if you can label someone a jerk, you have the ability to be one yourself. Psychologically, without getting into a lot of science, you can’t dislike what you don’t already dislike in yourself. Got it?

#2
I didn’t say this would be easy, I just said it wouldn’t be long-winded. So, let’s be clear: you downloaded this e-book because you dislike someone enough in your office enough to spend the time to read all 101 Ways to see if you can make yourself right about it. Right?

And how often has this strategy worked for you? I mean, of all the times you’ve been right about someone being a jerk, have they stopped?

Exactly. Let’s try something that works for a change.

#3
There are a few ways to deal with butt-like people. First, is avoidance. I’m fond of this as a first step. I’m not talking about the cold shoulder.

I’m talking about NOT being in the breakroom when they are, NOT joining the group around the coffee pot when they are, finding different ways of hanging out so that interface is minimized.

This isn’t cowardice. It’s taking control of your environment. If you HAVE to work side-by-side with this chump, hang on.

Download the rest right now. See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Train Your Brain

Brain Plasticity in Action: Getting smarter and happier You can re-train your brain to overcome depression and anxiety
by G. Frank Lawlis

Up until ten years ago, the prevailing thought was that our brains were basically the same potential the day we were born until the day we died. As Supervisor to American Mensa, the “High IQ” organization that allows only the top 2 percent of the population on intelligence tests in their organization, I have been reflecting this core belief of genetic intelligence as a standard of scientific basis. However, with the advance of brain scans and increased capability to measure neuron function down to a single cell, I have had to concede that not only can the brain get “smarter and better balanced,” but this process lasts a lifetime. And to put the new findings into greater relevance, the smarter you get the happier you get.

One of the principles of improved brain plasticity, as mentioned in my book entitled The IQ Answer, is that neurons (the brain cells) tend to gravitate toward high activity centers. Much like we develop motor skills to learn to ride a bicycle, the motor cells will accumulate as you build the coordination to keep yourself going. It takes trial-and-error for the brain to coordinate the neurons and accumulate enough for the practice to establish the high level of balancing and muscles to finally build the “package” of neuron connections for bicycling that seems to stay in place for decades.

Consider how emotional “packages” of neurons can be developed that establishes negative-affective states, such as depression and anxiety. These complexes can be replaced by “pleasure” bundles of nerve networks that are much less destructive to one’s life, which as a reinforcer for change. Too often people use this same appeal to become addictive to drug-induced states. You can train your brain to be happy and free from stress.

The first step in re-shaping your brain in its emotional reaction, as well as mental intelligence, is to destabilize the restrictive nerve bundles, perhaps breaking the sequence altogether. Instead of thinking how to do mathematics one way, learn to do it in other ways. If you can’t get out of a stress storm, take charge and re-train to do what you want it to. But first, you have to stop the thinking process. How do you do that? One of the most common ways is to change your breathing patterns. The brain, and the whole body, responds to the patterns of how you breathe. For example, consider that you might breathe 22 cycles a minute, and your brain thinks that you are in danger (the rabbit breath rate.) Naturally you are going to have a brain that reacts in anxiety storms. You won’t be able to think clearly for mental exercises because you would be in survival mode and looking for quick answers instead of thinking through logical solutions. Start breathing in 12-14 cycles and get your brain processing in a more normal state. There are other ways of stopping thinking patterns, like going on vacation, listening to certain music, exercising, etc.

Step two for changing your brain for better emotional solutions is while you have destabilized the anxious brain pattern, establish the pattern you want. Like learning how to multiple or ride a bicycle, find your pattern you like. I have found listening to favorite music tunes works like magic. Some people listen to gospel songs all day, and all they have to do is hum a familiar phrase, and BOOM they are in their preferred states. Romantic songs do it for me, especially Willy Nelson.

As I said, you have to practice what you want or the destructive brain storms return. The more you learn to train your brain for what you desire, the better you can accomplish what you want.

The critical kicker to maintaining your skills in brain plasticity is celebrating your abilities. Similar to the research on behavioral modification, the brain loves adoration. You deserve the slap on the back to brag on yourself. Once I trained my vision acuity from 20/80 to 20/20 and I gave myself a little party. I gave a gift of a new car to remind myself of how well I did. I am now 68, 40 years later, and I still have 20/30, although the car has gone to other junk by now.

I do not consider myself extraordinary in any sense, but my years on psychology have awed me with my brain and all it can do, if you will give yourself a chance. It may sound ridiculous, but that is the stuff of growth. And you have the power to make a difference in your life at any time you want it.

This article was not written by Stephanie, but by G. Frank Lawlis. See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

This SHOULD be Happening....Because It Is !

Excerpt from FREE PDF "The Work of Byron Katie"

WHAT IS....IS

The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, “Meow.” Wanting reality to be different than it is is hopeless.

And yet, if you pay attention, you’ll notice that you believe thoughts like this dozens of times a day. “People should be kinder.” “Children should be wellbehaved.” “My husband (or wife) should agree with me.” “I should be thinner (or prettier or more successful).” These thoughts are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is. If you think that this sounds depressing, you’re right. All the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what is.

People new to The Work often say to me, “But it would be disempowering to stop my argument with reality. If I simply accept reality, I’ll become passive. I may even lose the desire to act.” I answer them with a question: “Can you really know that that’s true?” Which is more empowering?—“I wish I hadn’t lost my job” or “I lost my job; what intelligent solutions can I find right now?”

The Work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. It should have happened because it did happen, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle. No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don’t know how to stop.

Free PDF

Watch this video as Katie helps someone do "The Work":



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Work Stress Quiz

People like to take quizzes. Here's one regarding work stress.

Take Quiz

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Spot It, You Got It

By now, many of you may be familiar with the concept of projection or what some call "shadow work." These terms are used to describe the phenomenon that ALL humans experience, which is to push out or project what we reject in ourselves onto others. Said another way: If you are irritated or angered by another's behavior, it is because you have not accepted that aspect of yourself.

You may be saying to yourself, "Well, that's good! We need to keep ourselves others under control or we would all turn into robbers and murderers!" I look around and notice that those who are self-accepting (flaws especially) are very peaceful. And I notice this "tried and true" method of self-flaggelation hasn't kept our prisons clear and free of humans. So how about considering another way?

Now, this is for YOU. Don't start sharing the link to this blog entry with a "Boy, does my coworker need this..." or "My spouse has got to see this---she projects constantly!" That's just you projecting again...do you see?

We can only change one mind: our own. So here's a video that will help TREMENDOUSLY:



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

I'll Do It, But I Don't Have to Like It

Motivation. Morale. Enthusiasm. Positive Attitude. These are the buzz words that my clients throw about when talking about their 'lazy employees' (or rather what they lack). But what these supervisors do not understand is that motivation to perform a task--more accurately called 'interest'--- is not something that can be manufactured.

Interest cannot be forced. Interest either comes naturally or must be faked. And faking requires a motivator. We often call this "the carrot or the stick." We can either bribe someone (carrot) or punish someone (stick) to perform a task they are not naturally interested in.

Does your interest in getting something done come from somewhere else? No. This is not about how someone was raised or whether they are a good person or not. This isn't any different than, say, gravity. If a good person walks off the top of a building, they will drop to the ground, just like a bad person. Interest shifts as the topic shifts. You are interested in your department doing their work. And if you aren't, or are secretly not enjoying your job, then you rely on bribery (a paycheck) or punishment (disciplinary action and even termination).

So, let's ease up on our "slackers", okay? They don't want to do it. But they do it anyway. Because you supplied praise or punishment. These are the only artificial motivators when interest is lacking.

And let's remember this truth when you tell your children they should WANT to clean the house because it's theirs too and therefore will not get an allowance for doing so.

Haha! That's a good one.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

101 Ways to Deal with a Pain in the Butt at Work

You can get this free e-book on my site by giving me your email so I can send ya lots of emails and get you back to my website...but I've decided you shouldn't have to go through all those extra steps. Here's a link to my free e-book "101 Ways to Deail with a Pain in the Butt at Work." Enjoy!

FREE PDF DOWNLOAD

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Radical Self-Acceptance: Say Yes to It All

THE POWER OF YES

‎

Suffering arises when we resist the life of the moment. This Yes meditation is an inner practice of acceptance in which we willingly allow our thoughts, emotions and sensations to be just as they are.

Yes does not mean we are approving of something or believing our judgments. Rather, the practice honors what is actually happening. In the moments we say Yes without resistance, Yes with our whole heart, acceptance becomes surrender into truth. By surrendering, we discover the openness and freedom of our true nature.

It is important to remember that it is not always wise to say Yes to inner experience. If we have been traumatized in the past, old feelings of terror may be triggered. More generally, we might not have the balance or resiliency in a particular moment to a difficult experience with the openness of Yes.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Radical Forgiveness

The Radical Forgiveness Worksheet

(From the Radical Forgiveness website): You cannot be in a peaceful state if you are holding resentment and anger about things that have happened in the past or continue to rob you of your peace even now. It is incredibly disempowering to make others responsible for your lack of happiness.

The answer, of course, is forgiveness. But don’t worry. We have a way to do it that is not at all difficult. It’s not like conventional forgiveness which is hard to do and rarely works. Radical Forgiveness is a simple step-by-step process that is fast, easy and extremely effective. It provides tools that enable you to quickly release whatever energies you are holding onto.

~Colin Tipping

Read the first chapter of Colin Tipping's book to learn why this worksheet is so powerful. I found that this was all I needed to get excited about this work and to complete the worksheet.

Now complete (print) this free PDF and work on a situation you are struggling with.

Forgiveness Worksheet

More freebies and downloads from Radical Forgiveness. See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

How to "Let Go"

Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.


To let go is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.


To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.


To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.


To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.


To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.


To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.


To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.


To let go is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.


To let go is not to deny, but to accept.


To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.


To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.


To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.


To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.


To let go is to fear less and love more.



(Author Unknown)

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.