It's Not Personal, It's Protection

What came up for me this morning, to write to you, was a technique or trick I use to deal with almost EVERYONE. It's ideally used all-day, almost non-stop, with everyone---not just the difficult people in your life.


I imagine everyone that comes into my line of sight as they may have been as a child. The director, flustered, irritated, in a hurry to get budget information to the higher-ups? She's now 9-years-old and in a Brownie uniform. The guy who just cut me off and FLIPPED me off in traffic? He can't even see over the wheel in my mind's eye...he's in overalls and has a cowlick and fudgsicle smears all over his face.

Why do I do this? It reminds me that at the core we are all vulnerable, ashamed of something, hiding parts of ourselves, terrified that we will lose connection with our tribes. So we create these tough-guy masks. Or these "I'm very important" masks. It's not personal. It's protection.


I know that's true for me. And I keep a picture of myself at 5 years old in my bedroom and pass it every day. I often stop and look at this picture and see the happiest of smiles (missing three teeth), the tousled hair in barrettes that I'm sure I thought was looking quite grown-up...her. She's still in me. And I have put tons of armor in place (or she did---it's hard to know at this point).


Will you try this today and see if it helps you? This is one of the "hows" I am offering to the "What" we so often hear : the only thing you can change is yourself.




This entry was a Daily Message on my site. There is no sign-up or newsletter. Just bookmark the page for a daily piece of advice or insight: Work Stress Solutions Daily Message.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Thank You for Taxes!

I am writing this on April 15th, better known as dreaded Tax Day!

But, I don't view taxes like most people. I work for my local government and I interact with what I privately call "Street Angels."

And my taxes and your taxes keep these "Street Angels" fed, clothed and sheltered. That's all they appear to need, and it's the least we can do for them---trust me on this and please read on.

As I open up my workshops, I ask for the participants' name, department and a short description of what they do all day. It's helpful to allow a Landscape Tech to hear what Child Protective Services workers do; or how a Zoning and Planning person spends their time vs. an EMS.

But I have another agenda while taking up to a half hour to get these introductions handled in a four-six hour class. It's not just educating the people in the room on other County functions. It's to remind me of what precious cargo I have before me, and that I need to make these hard-to-find hours count. My objective is to leave them with the skills they need to make my community better. To charge them up, however slightly, to send them back onto the streets, to help the people who live here. Because, to be honest, I just don't have it what it takes to be a Street Angel.

Imagine entering into a home, in an area that is so bad, you ask for a co-worker to join you: a Sheriff's deputy. The person answering the door may be, for instance, putting cigarettes to his children's arms as a form of discipline, but you don't know for sure. You smell alcohol coming from him, even though it's only 10am. Your job is to question this person, sitting on their living room furniture in their home, and possibly take their child from them within the hour. If this happens, it will be bad. There will be yelling, physical attempts at you, grabbing for the child, throwing things. Everyone in the street will witness this scene and see YOU as the wrong party. This is someone's child. How dare you.

And for all this hassle, you are only making $100,000 a year. No wait...that's too little for doing this 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, 50 weeks a year. You make...LESS. Much LESS. You work for the government, after all. And we must honor the taxpayers' wishes. You will need at least a Masters Degree for this "just in it for the paycheck" role too. Otherwise we know this situation would not be handled properly and legally. But, you are likely a "slacker" and a "typical government worker", so how does $35,000 sound?

But let's head back to the streets of any fair city. Is there someone walking drunk in the road? Call 911. Did someone destroy the entrance to your neighborhood with graffiti? Call 911. Did you hear something downstairs? Call 911. Did those leaves get out of control you were burning? Call 911. Your old boyfriend or neighbor being abusive? Call 911.

And like magic, the ugly part of being human is handled.

Because of the "Street Angels."

These are but two examples of what your taxes pay for. I actually got BACK taxes this year. I wouldn't have minded if I had to PAY taxes however. Because I know what they go for. I know that from where I sit, having an honest to goodness front row seat for government spending, that those taxes are honored, spent judiciously, and used for the things I don't want to deal with or don't know how to deal with. And there is never enough to handle "the ugly part of being human."

Happy Tax Day. It's a good thing.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Mo' Money Ain't It

The other day I was driving around and pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's for some breakfast. I only wanted one Egg McMuffin. I realized I had NO CASH, which is completely normal for me these days, and asked if I could use my debit card for such a small amount. Of course!

I work downtown and have many a panhandler asking for spare change. I tell them, "Seriously, dude, I only have plastic."

I also remember as a kid hearing that in the 2000s (enter Twilight Zone music) we would just scan a bar code or some tattoo on our arm and this would reveal how much money we had or "credit" or "energy" to complete the transaction. There would be no money. And with the above examples, we are practically there.

All of these new technologies have come to be for our convenience, sure, but it is also opening up another dimension for me and my relationship with money. Money is just paper. Dirty paper at that. But most of us invest a LOT of emotional baggage into this paper. And it's the main reason we work.

I realized with the need to only carry one thin piece of plastic, that my money is really just an idea. It's the proof that I contributed a certain amount of energy, time, talent and left something better off than I found it; and that gave me what I needed in return: food, clothing and shelter and a little entertainment now and again.

I wonder if we start to see our jobs as really nothing more than this (energy in, energy out) it would allow some of the political and emotional angst to drop away? My entire website is designed to help you with this angst. But perhaps this one thought (that you need refuge from the elements and food and your employer is in some way--however indirectly-- providing that to the larger community and needs your help to do it) is really all there is to it.

Martha Beck said in a quote that I keep posted to my computer, "Only strive to earn enough money to do your life's work. Anything additional is unnecessary." And that may at first make you nervous...but if you sit with it for a moment, you'll see that's completely true.

If we are focused on "How much more money will this bring me?" instead of "Am I giving what I'm getting?", then we will never feel whole. It isn't about money, then, it's about something else.

Money isn't the root of all evil or the source of peace. Money is just paper. Money is just energy that we trade with others. And we have jobs to earn that energy...it's really nothing more complicated than that.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Work : A Spiritual Playground?

I'm toying with a new idea for the April Daily Messages on my website. I feel I skirt around it on every page. I think those of you who visit the Daily Message page, in particular, are already sensing this concept, and may appreciate more directness:


The workplace is the BEST spiritual practice field.


Think about it: We don't get to pick the people we work with, for the most part. We go there day after day--and often---year after year. Most of us deal with the random public. We are typically someone who has a higher skill set, and that's why others would come to us. And tension, fear, anger...can run VERY high when the stakes are food on the table!

Work, offices, corporations are not seen as spiritual havens. And that's what makes them RIPE for our practice (whatever that may be). In church/temple/nature, in our neighborhoods, with our friends and family, we rarely find the lessons and challenges on a regular basis that work offers. It's almost like we are handed opportunities, with small consequences if we fail, and plenty of time to get it right.


Most of us tend to keep our spiritual side (acts of service, accepting people as they are, random kindness) for our personal lives and believe work is just a whole other category. A primal, dog-eat-dog political fest. We may pray for someone or ask for assistance in dealing with a difficult coworker, but we don't see these as FABULOUS ways to get our spiritual practice highly-honed. We "save" it for people we LIKE or feel sorry for!


So with that said, look for ways today that you can identify situations where you can apply whatever principles or concepts you believe are TRUTH for you. Turn your perception around and see that your most-hated coworker is in front of you for a divine reason.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this or to read the Daily Message.

Ouch! You're on My Boundary!

You've probably heard the term "boundary." It comes from the codependent community and refers to our ability, or inability, to keep people appropriately close or distant, depending on the circumstances.

Many of us fall into just one category---either too close or too distant. We run into problems when we over-protect ourselves or allow others to mistreat us because we don't know how to say stop.

The following is from a website called The Boundaries Method. If you resonate with this post, I invite you to check out the entire site for more information.

Excerpt: The Six Boundary Problems


Here’s a brief overview comparing some of the differences between the six boundary problems. As you learn to identify your specific problem styles, you might notice that you blend them together or quickly change from one problem to another. Remember to also think of how others would classify you.


Rigid. He lets everyone know exactly where he stands and that he’s not moving. He is going to do things his way, even if it means doing it alone. Buzz words: Too closed, inflexible, no spontaneity, unyielding, non-negotiable, unchangeable, stubborn, adamant, hard.


Invisible. She knows what she wants and feels but she doesn’t do anything about it in the moment. She doesn’t tell others or assert her limits in a way that will be listened to. Buzz words: Too open, non-assertive, push-over, over-adapts, feels used and hurt, her gut says “no” while her mouth says “yes”, passive.


Distant. He is emotionally or physically unavailable. Others might never know what he wants, who he is or, sometimes, even where he is. Buzz words: Far, unreachable, disconnected, absent, non-communicative, loner, aloof, cold, removed.


Enmeshed. She takes on her partner’s likes and dislikes as her own so she only wants what he wants. She is who he is. Buzz words: Over lapped, yes-man, no opinions of her own, loss of identity, too close, clone.


Intrusive. She pushes everyone to go along with whatever she wants, regardless of his or her desires. She acts oblivious to others discomfort or resentment. Buzz words: Sends out too much, pushy, forceful, bulldozer, invasive, bossy, interfering, interrupter.


Hyper-Receptive. He has no time to realize what he really wants- he just is trying to make sure there is no conflict. Buzz words: Takes in too much, tense, waits for cues, fearful, chameleon, vigilant, anticipates others desires.


There is always going to be someone who is not going to respect our boundaries or their own boundaries. The question is -what are you going to do about it?

This comes from the Daily Message on Work Stress Solutions/Stephanie's website. See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Three Tea Cups (video)

The "Tea Cups" are my signature way of explaining boundaries in relationships and how to know when we are inappropriately in someone else's business. I use this metaphor when discussing difficult situations involving key relationships in our lives, as this is our #1 area for stress.






Please see more videos, articles, interviews, discussion boards and more on my site (Work-Stress-Solutions.Com).

The Price of Invulnerability

Honor what's ordinary by no longer:

`Numbing the emotions we decide aren't okay, because this also numbs the "good" ones.

`Using disappointment as a lifestyle to avoid pain.

`Keeping busy so we don't have to catch up with our life and see how things are REALLY going.

`Losing our tolerance for being vulnerable.

`Staying in a state of low-grade disconnection.

`Perfectionism as a tool to protect ourself.

`"Perform and please and I will be safe."

Please take a look at this incredible video by Brene Brown.

Ahhh...Look at All the Ordinary People

Can I really come out of the closet on this? I'm known for making people's work lives better. Even great. But, I am no longer sure I want to be aligned with the "be the best you can be" crowd. Do you know the ones? I adore them as people, but their message exhausts me. I don't mean that meanly. It seriously, truly does. I am fatigued by all the hyperbole on the human experience---or more accurately---the perceived lack that sums up the human experience.

"Is this the year you will bust out?" and "Live your best life ever!" Then there's the fear factor message, "Are you living your dreams??" or "Are you living with intention and purpose?" Geez. Hold on. Let me catch my breath. I was just trying to catch up on Facebook. And now I feel like the biggest slacker known to mankind!

What if I tried all that and it didn't work? What if I tried all that and it did? Would my life really be BETTER? Or just more. More. Must...get...more!! But what if ordinary actually works? What if a life of 40-hour work weeks, followed or accompanied by a little child rearing, with a dash of some basic body care is enough? Have I lost it? I don't think so. I've never felt so light and free, actually.

I don't think my books, blogs and website (nor my coaching practice) urges you to push, sweat, focus and achieve. I started this particular career (author and internet motivator) around 1996. While I've always been in human resources, and worked with people who were unhappy or struggling, I have never sent the message of overachieve, reach even higher, get out there already!

People ARE out there. I'm out there. Every single day. And along the way, I see tired people. I see bewildered people. I see self-doubting people. People who believe they must make excuses for not walking across hot coals on the weekends. People who can't admit being satisfied with a plump body, a mid-range salary, and a little time to catch up on DVR tapings. That kind of life---is simply not good enough. Buy this book, or watch this video, or attend this seminar...and you will learn how to seek, find, solve, excel, procure a following, and go-go-go!!

Or. You can slow down. You can turn inward. You can look around and see that guy across the table. That pretty face in the mirror. Yes, her. You can find nothing more delightful than a bag of chips and a "What Not to Wear" episode. It will be okay. The world will not suffer. You are NOT selfish or a loser.

You are ordinary. And that, in today's world, strikes me as revolutionary.


I've added a Daily Message to my website. Bookmark it for daily entries like this one.

The "Gotcha!" Style

Are you a "gotcha" type of person? The "gotcha" personality is that type of person who says nothing (or almost nothing) when things are going well--even perfectly--but swoops in like a seagull, and POW! GOTCHA! when something isn't right. This type doesn't offer much in the way of recognition for a job well done. In fact, these people often feel that a job well done is the status quo. Why waste time being a softy and acknowledging it?

While being good problem-solvers, gotcha types get stuck in this mode and spend most of their time scanning the horizon for what's not working, pointing it out, and then retreating. To spouses, parents, or coworkers, this type of style does a significant amount of damage. Since almost all interaction with a gotcha type is based on negativity, judgment, and correction, people in a gotcha person's life are likely to protect themselves. This might look like:

-Lying
-Getting defensive
-Avoidance
-Doing just enough to not get yelled at
-Reciprocating with gotcha behaviors

Instead, the idea is to point out what is going well. Point it out often. The more we focus on what's working, the more we'll see these behaviors repeated. Then if correction is needed in the future, we can point out the positives, add the correction, and move on quickly. Important relationships flourish, and past resentments will start to die.


I've added a Daily Message to my website. Bookmark it for daily entries like this one.

9 Destructive Reasons We Cling to Clutter

In my mind, there is no separation between home and work...the entire person is affected by one or the other and carries this effect into the other arena.

And so it is with clutter. A cluttered mind creates clutter in the environment; and clutter in the environment creates a cluttered mind. Which comes first? It truly doesn't matter. Handle the clutter and the rest will naturally follow.

Not sure how? Here's an article by Christine Kane that will help:



"Perfection is not when there is no more to add, but no more to take away."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


A retired man once told me he loved going camping with his wife because camping showed her how simple life can be "without all that bloomin' stuff she keeps everywhere!"

He's right!

Our lives are meant to be simple. Our intuition and creativity thrive when given freedom and space. Clutter is a disease. Each moment we ignore the reasons we hold on to things we don't want, those things rob us of energy, health, and clarity. Yes, clutter is destructive!

If you're a clutter-clinger, be kind to yourself. Begin with an awareness of your thoughts and excuses. For starters, read over this list to see if you can find YOUR excuse!

Clutter Excuse #1: "I'd be a mean horrible person if I..."

Guilt is heavy gooey energy that convinces us we're bad people if we let go of heirlooms, knick-knacks, unwanted clothing or gifts.

These items clutter up our lives and keep us in a comfortable - but draining - place. And conveniently, we never have to decide what we actually do want in our environment. We become environmental victims. Often, that spreads into other parts of our lives too!

Clutter Excuse #2 - "I spent so much on it!"

Do you punish yourself for having made a bad choice by keeping the item around? Or convince yourself that you're going to get your money's worth - even if it drains the heck out of you?

You won't. And it will.

We've all done stupid things. And we've all had to let them go. Now it's your turn.

Clutter Excuse #3 - "I might need this someday."

I often wonder how many idle telephone cords exist in the world. Way in the back of old desk drawers. Stuffed on closet shelves. They can't be gotten rid of.

Why?

Because we might need them some day.

Evidently, some day - in spite of technological progress - you're going to need that particular grey phone cord that came in the box with a phone you bought in 1989.

Throw it out. Now.

Same thing goes for: The broken fax machine, switch plates from your first house, and every glass flower vase that came with deliveries.

Clutter Excuse #4 - "I might do this someday."

I know. I know.

Someday you'll take those broken pieces of china you've collected and create a beautiful mosaic birdbath. And you'll go through those stacks of magazines and make that collage for your sister's 30th birthday party. (She's 51 now.)

Now - I don't mean to deny you your plans and dreams. However, I urge you to consider experiencing the infinite relief that appears when you let old project ideas go.

Call your sister and tell her the collage ain't gonna happen. Buy a mosaic birdbath from an artist who makes her living from creating such treasures.

And then, make space for what you want to do. Don't fill your space with what you should do.

Clutter Excuse #5 - "I gotta look good to my guests."

CD's. Books. DVD's. Are these items treasured? Or are they simply a prop so your guests will be impressed by your intelligence and diverse tastes?

Remember this: we are motivated by two things: Fear or Love. Which of these keeps you clinging to items because of appearances?

Clutter Excuse #6 - "I Don't Know Where It Goes."

When items don't have a home, it's harder to determine whether or not they are clutter. Some things may seem like clutter - like the cute card that your daughter made that floats around from drawer to drawer - but they're not clutter.

They're homeless.

Once you start defining spaces for items, then it's easier to see when something doesn't fit anywhere and should just get tossed.

Clutter Excuse #7 - "My thoughts don't have any power. Do they?"

Everything has energy. The thoughts you have about the things in your home CREATE energy. If you are surrounded by stuff you keep out of guilt, then your environment holds guilt. If you hang on to stuff given to you by your ex, and you still feel bitter - then there is bitterness in your home.

Get it?

It's either fueling you or draining you. If anything triggers you, then that is your barometer. Let it go.

Clutter Excuse #8 - "But I never wore it!"

See Clutter Excuse #2.

Clutter Excuse #9 - "There's too much stuff!"

Overwhelm can stop us in our tracks. If this article makes you aware that there are lots of items in your life you don't like, then go slow. Schedule small chunks of time each day. It takes time to be clutter-free! But the newfound clarity and lightness are worth it!


Christine Kane is the Mentor to Women Who are Changing the World. She helps women uplevel their lives, their businesses and their success. Her weekly LiveCreative eZine goes out to over 12,000 subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can sign up for a F.R.E.E. subscription at http://christinekane.com.

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