Thoughts Become Things

Do you want to know why you feel stressed most of the time?

I've done the reading. I've done the work. I KNOW what makes you (and me) feel stress, discomfort, anxiety, nervous, upset, angry, irritated...call it what you want.

Bottom line: You're not happy.

You can treat your unhappiness like a speck of dust that's on the projector screen in front of you. Every time the picture changes, the speck of dust is now on something else, something different. Or...you can direct your attention to where the speck of dust actually resides: on the camera lens.

What you THINK creates the way you FEEL. You don't have a feeling and then have a thought about it. It's exactly the other way around.

You can change the environment, the people in your life, your body, your bank account. YOU CAN get these "specks of dust" to shift and move and maybe improve. But, just like the changing scenes in a movie, it won't last.

So, let's go for the pay dirt here. You have to wipe off the speck of dust on the camera lens...and that means change your mind from thinking what you think.

Most of our thoughts are just theories. Is this what's happening? Could he have meant this? What was that look about? Will this traffic make me late? Will this outfit impress them? What will happen if that bill passes the House? It's all just conjecture. And very little of it is factual.

Think of thoughts as specks of dust...blow them away...and put 'theories' in place that make you feel mellow, calm, at peace.

How?

First, always ask yourself if the thought you are having is 100% truth. Can you know without a shadow of a doubt that "the traffic will make me late"? Then what are you doing? Do you think that by being stressed and tense you will make the traffic move faster? If so, then ask yourself again, "Is this 100% truth?" Is it absolutely true that you will be late? That your tension will be communicated to other drivers and you will move the traffic along?

Another way to change your mind and therefore your emotion is to turn your stressful thought around completely. The reverse is almost ALWAYS true too, if not truer.

An Example

So back to our traffic theory. "The traffic will make me late." The exact opposite is, "The traffic will not make me late." It's just as likely. You can't see into the future. And if we are being 100% truthful here, isn't your late departure the reason you are possibly running late? And you do have control over that...at least the next time.

Post these somewhere like your bathroom mirror or car dashboard:

-Is it 100% truth?

-What is the exact opposite (and is that just as true or truer?)

Here's to feeling pretty darn good...starting right now. It's just a thought away.

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Oops. You Did It Again

Everyone has blurted out an insensitive comment, slipped and told a secret we were asked to keep, or completely forgot an important appointment. Why do we do this?

The Johari Window is an excellent model for providing us with immediate insight into why we do what we do.

Named for its creators, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham - the Johari Window is a useful tool for understanding and integrating misunderstood or unknown parts of ourselves. The Four Panes of the Johari Window represent the four parts of Self.

The First Pane is often called the Public Self or Arena. A self-aware person has a large Public Self crowding out the other panes and making them smaller in comparison. This person understands why she acts the way she does and is genuine and open with others.

The Second Pane is often called The Blind Spot. The "blind" quadrant represents things that you know about me, but that I am unaware of.

The Third Pane represents the Hidden Self and it holds what is known to us but kept hidden from others. This hidden or avoided self represents information and feelings not revealed or kept secret from others.

Lastly, the fourth pane is Unconscious. This area is unseen by everyone, including ourselves. The more we can access here, the less likely we will sabotage our true interests by saying things we don't wish to say or undermining our own value system.

For more details (and a free assessment) read the article on my site.

Emotional Stress and Your Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).

Why 5-7 Relationships?

Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.

So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?

This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.

Employee
Parent
Friend
Self (which includes the Spiritual)
Daughter/Family of Origin
Significant Other
Small Business Owner

Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.

Under "employee" for instance, I have:

*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services

The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:

*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?

*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?

It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).

You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.

Go to Mental Stress
Go to Spiritual Stress
Go to Physical Stress

Are You in Your Own Way?

Researchers tell us that only about 10% of our beliefs are in our conscious awareness. Want to know what you believe? Look at your current life. Are you wealthy? Are you healthy? Are you happy? If not, you have likely just stumbled on the hidden 90% of your belief system.

No one consciously believes they shouldn't have it all. But the evidence speaks for itself. Part of us also knows on some level that we think we should be penalized for:

• past mistakes
• not working hard enough
• why us instead of them?

Get out of your own way. These conflicting beliefs are holding you (and me and her) back. Reconcile these attitudes with subconscious suggestion. Yes---self-hypnosis.

Read over 500 ways you may be tripping yourself up....

How to Be in the "Now" - wikiHow

How to Be in the "Now" - wikiHow

Stress and Work Relationships

The Four Human Needs include the physical, emotional, the intellectual and spiritual. Let's focus on ....

Emotional/Social

We are pack animals. Many of us (introverts) prefer spending a lot of time alone, but we get VERY WEIRD (not to get too technical about it) when we spend day after day alone. We need interaction with others for proper brain function. Work provides plenty of this, of course, but it provides much more than just social stimulation.

Current studies are showing employers that office friendships have a direct correlation to employee satisfaction. Where once employers shunned group lunches and socializing after hours, we now know that this reduces turnover and markedly lowers stress levels in employees.

Moreover, we go through divorces, babies, deaths of parents, marriages and many other human experiences with our co-workers. Baby showers and birthday lunches are a normal part of office interaction today.

All of this meets (significantly meets) our social and emotional needs as humans. So, once again, we can check this off our list and be thankful for our workplace commutes and even see office politics in a new light.

More on the Four Human Needs

Spiritual Stress

What is "Spirituality" and Why Would It Cause Stress?


What does it mean to have spiritual stress? How do we meet our spiritual needs?

How do you know if you are spiritual?

I live in the southeast region of the United States. For the most part, this area is very Protestant Christian. Very. And many of my co-citizens follow a strict path of Christianity. But, I would offer, it is not always a spiritual experience for them.

Religion and spirituality CAN be found together. The litmus test is whether you find yourself with an emotional (or metaphorical) lump in your throat. 'Are you moved?' is the question on the table.

If you find comfort in your religious tradition, are following this religion because your parents did, believe it is the right thing to do because you have children...well...you are not meeting this fourth human need. You are meeting something important, but it is not spirituality...probably.

I will not provide links here, or suggest sites for you to explore my own spiritual path. That is your business. But I will caution you about misunderstanding this need and believing you are filling it, every Sunday at 11am, and still finding yourself stressed and unfulfilled.

It isn't a judgment, it is about what will work and what will not. Surely anyone's god would want you to follow the laws of the Universe that it/he/she created?

But maybe of tantamount importance to me, and my work, is that you understand that your relationship with yourself is found here, in this spiritual pursuit. You and Your God are found in the same space. How close you are with yourself, how much you trust yourself, how you forgive yourself, how you fortify yourself...are all found in this fourth need.

So, a very private journey. And one that cannot be provided by a list of bullets or an article. My only instruction is that you recognize that dogma and discipline are NOT the tools to be used here, in this particular section. I would offer that this need can be met in church, but may also be met through inspirational reading, meditation, yoga, walks in nature and is as varied as we are. The only requirement is that you be:

Moved.
Changed instantly.
In awe.

These are the measures for meeting your spiritual needs.

See more on the "Four Human Needs"

How to Get Rid of a Negative Emotion

What we resist, persists. As humans, we naturally want to avoid pain, and that includes our feelings. Trying to push the emotions away, or using substances like food or alcohol, work for a little while. Then the emotion is worse than ever.

While understandable, this simply doesn't work. Instead, I advise you to purposely face the emotion, lean into it, and really get to know it.

Follow the six steps below. And like magic, it's gone.

#1. Close your eyes and get as physically comfortable as possible.

#2. Locate the feeling in your body. Is it in your stomach? Your neck? Several places? Does it swirl around as you try to locate it?

#3. If this emotion had a color, what would it be? Black? An ugly yellow? The reddest of reds? Maybe it's black in the middle and gray on the edges. There is no right or wrong. Just describe this to yourself.

#4. If you could pour this emotion into a container, what would that container be? A measuring cup? A bucket? An ice chest? How many cups or gallons would it create?

#5. Give this emotion a name. Is it something ugly like Elvira? Is it something like an injured child and you would name it Olivia or Timmy? Does it talk to you? Is the emotion asking you for anything? Is it trying to help you?

#6. Now, assess how you feel. Is the negativity less? Is it worse? Start the process all over again. Do it as many times as you need until the emotion is gone (and it will be).


Additional Tips:

* Don't worry about following these steps exactly. Read this a few times until you're pretty sure you have all/most of the questions memorized an

* Print these tips and review them for a few days while you are calm. Then whenever a negative emotion hits, you don't have to add the burden of finding this process to your troubling feelings.

Final Thought:

Remember the quote from Dr. Stephen Covey of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" fame who said, "When you resist an emotion, it springs to life. When you allow an emotion, it dies on the vine." He isn't suggesting you ACT on the emotion in this quote, however. Just to fully and finally FEEL it.

Head over to my website for lots more articles and tips like this one : Work-Stress-Solutions.com.

The Only Stressful Thought

The Only Stressful Thought

“Happiness is a continuation of happenings which are not resisted.”
Deepak Chopra, author, inspirational speaker, physician

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

This is something we all say to ourselves at some point, on any given day, and probably several times every day. It could be the spilled drink, the traffic jam, or that just-noticed belly pooch. The inevitable emotion that is felt when we think the thought, “This shouldn’t be happening” is stress, anger, even depression.

Why do we resist what is? Why don’t we see clearly that traffic jams and someone’s political opinion are not in our control? Why do we move out of our own business and move into someone else’s? (“You shouldn’t have spilled that milk!”).

I ponder this question often these days. In my own quest for peace and happiness, I’ve come to realize that almost all of my pain and discomfort comes from just this one thought, though it sounds like many, many other reasons. And my purpose in writing this article to you, and for you, is really to answer the question for myself.

I know for me, I seem to believe I must feel intense irritation (and even self-loathing) to get truly motivated to change something. I judge myself, therefore, to get myself motivated to do the thing that will stop me from judging myself. Now, is that sane? Is that the way to self-acceptance and acceptance in general? At 46 years old, I will tell you this: it hasn’t worked yet. And I believe a much-wiser person than I, Albert Einstein, said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”

So if self-flagellation has not created self-discipline for me (and I know the same is true for those people in my life who have let me in to their inner world and to see them honestly), then why are we doing it? Why are we resisting ourselves, each other, and reality?

Control Freaks Apply Here!

The word that keeps wanting to be typed here is “control.” If I can control events then I will feel happy and at peace. Is that even true? What if I got exactly what I wanted, with the snap of a finger, an affirmation repeated over and over, or a ritual performed under the full moon? What if everything in my life was exactly as I wished it right now? Would that bring me happiness? Finally?

The only honest answer I can give is: “I don’t know.” Because I don’t, and you don’t. I have received what I wished for on occasion---in fact, often---and sometimes it made me happy. And sometimes, over time, it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. This “gift” of experience and time has allowed for one thing, and that’s humility (that came courtesy of a dash of humiliation). I don’t know what’s best for me, or for you, or for right now.

I have no control at all. Even as I type this, my chair could collapse, or my boss could come in, shut the door and tell me my job has been eliminated. My son could be hurt. My identity stolen. Many, many things could be happening that would make me less happy than I am right now. And, it’s worth mentioning, many things could happen that would make my situation right this minute, better.

But apparently, I’m not doing any of it. My actions, my thoughts, my feelings…I can’t say that they are really even a function of cause and effect. The only thing that works for me is this:

There is another way of looking at this.

And this is also reality...this is ALWAYS true. And it's always in your control.

And so whenever I’m disturbed or stressed, that is what I spend my energy ‘doing’ about it. I try to not judge, or complain, or pout (or more accurately, I STOP doing those things and switch gears). Instead, I choose to see another view, any view, that will make me feel some modicum of peace.

This SHOULD be happening, because it is. How’s that for another way of looking at things? Try it. The worst that can happen is that reality stays put. And as far as I can tell, that’s its plan anyway.

And who am I to get in the way? Who are you? Are we powerful enough to change reality?

Choose to see things differently--just for today. Turn the other cheek, if you will, and see things from a different, kinder, gentler perspective. The only thing you have to lose is your stress.

SEE more Articles like this one Work-Stress-Solutions.Com....

Training Ourselves to See Right from Wrong

Day Five. Today's focus is to notice what is RIGHT. Make a game of this or you may lose your focus and return to noticing what isn't right. Notice, count, seek out that which is already fine. Our training is to look for problems, to make things better, to find the bump in the landscape. Useful in some situations, but agony if turned to "ON" at all times. See that your coffee maker worked just now, your car turned on, you got to work on time, and so did he, and her, and that guy...all day today.

Got it?

See Work Stress Solutions for more stuff like this.