Approval Seeking: One Way We Create Stress and Anxiety

Many people struggle with the "Disease to Please," and this blog entry by Adam Pearson is very helpful in sharing why we do it, what is behind it and how to stop it.

Here's a taste:

If we don’t feel worthy by default, then we need to lovingly cultivate the belief that we are worthy. We need to treat ourselves with the same respect that we offer to others. We need to recognize that we, like everybody else, deserve to be loved and to belong. We need to realize that we have value within us that does not need to be externally validated, that we are enough, and that we can find our value in ourselves. And we need to see our own worthiness so clearly that we no longer need to go hustle others for approval because we already approve of ourselves. We no longer need others to validate us because we already validate ourselves. If you’re in the midst of shame, this may sound like a distant reality from what you are experiencing, but as a recovering approval seeker, let me tell you that it is achievable. You’re not alone. You can do this.

He shares the antidotes to approval seeking as well: Shame-Resilience, Compassionate Self-Talk, and Cultivating Worthiness. Check it out. This may be just the thing to lower the stress levels and anxiety that comparison and people-pleasing can generate.

Silencing The Praise

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Work Stress Just May Make You Insane

This is why I think it's SO important that you not take a job for the money. You can learn to live modestly and I have found it to be a very satisfying way of life, actually. I've taken a major pay cut from private sector to work for my local government and I have found the simplicity of my lifestyle is much less stress producing as well.

Our society seems to have slowed down on this materialistic bent for a bigger house, a new car every three years and so on. Less is more sometimes and when it comes to work, it may just mean your mental health. Here's an excerpt and the link to read the entire article :

"For many of us, society has become increasingly alienating, isolating and insane, and earning a buck means more degrees, compliance, ass-kissing, shit-eating, and inauthenticity." Full Article "Why Life in America Can Drive You Insane"

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Goodbye, Robin

Russell Brand and Robin Williams have always struck me as men not of this world, but so much more and beyond. They both have a gentle and humorous way of bringing this to your attention too. How fitting that Russell Brand wrote this as sort of an online eulogy to Robin. The intelligence of Russell is clear in the writing, but the depth to which he explored the meaning of Robin's suicide is something bordering on genius.

I agree with Russell that this world makes it hard for people to be different, to be themselves, to be real, to be flawed, to be human, to hurt. I hope and hope again that my life work is to make it okay for the expression of this reality in all of our lives. I have also struggled with the very things mentioned in this fabulous editorial, and know firsthand that it is the gentle-hearted and the loving and compassionate that hurt most of all. They are the ones who progress us further as a culture too. They are the ones who heal.

The continuation of the social mask that says, "I'm not only doing fine, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than you are," needs to end. I can no longer see its use. And so, with that, I post this in hopes that you will share this post as well and get this message going. The message being that we are all in pain. And it's time to start acknowledging it, instead of judging it and ridiculing it and hiding it and hoping that will make it go away.

Here is Russell's article/eulogy:

Or copy and paste into your browser http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/12/russell-brand-robin-williams-divine-madness-broken-world

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Perfectionism Q & A

A recent visitor to my website posted this question about her perfectionistic boss. Following is my advice to her:

Q: I work for a medical clinic, a specialist. The physician has a set standard that when a patient comes into the office you can spend no more than 20 minutes addressing all of this patients complaints. No exceptions. If your time runs out, we are to list that on our Encounter form that we "didn't finish because of time". We have to indicate what time we take this person in to work on them and then document what time we finish with them. Daily, each employee who goes "over their time" is wrote up and a copy put in their file. In the struggle to get the maximum out of every minute, the personal touch is lost, that personal connection with your patient, all for the almighty dollar. This clinic has always had the reputation of being the "friendliest and most caring staff" according to our patients but lately, all we hear are complaints about the doctor. All employees are either depressed or medicated and some of us have worked here 25-30 years and really don't know what to do about our physician. The doctor is constantly yelling at employees, interrupting employees during examinations with other patients..just bad behavior. We have even had patients start leaving now, one being a new patient that overheard the doctor cursing an employee. All of us are at our ropes end and don't want to quit but I am seeing a lawsuit in the future...which will be difficult because our physician's wife is an attorney.... HELP!


A: I am so sorry this is your experience at work. This is exactly why I put this site together. One thing you could do is post this quote:

'If you are determined to create a workplace of perfection, you will always create a culture of deception.'

This means that since perfection isn't possible, when a manager or person in charge insists on perfection, we are forced to lie, deceive, cover-up or do things to maintain this illusion.

A person who insists on perfection is actually struggling with self-hatred. Since humans are not capable of perfection, when this standard is pursued, the inevitable outcome is that they will fail. We all make mistakes. To insist on perfection therefore, sets us up for failure. It is self-sabotage.

Since we insist on this standard in ourselves, we then project this out to others. Since we can't trust ourselves to be perfect, we are hyper-vigilant in keeping this standard in the people around us. We cannot stand imperfection or mistakes, because we cannot stand it in ourselves. We have not made peace with our humanness, our flaws, and therefore we are intolerant of these in others.

Progress, not perfection, is the gold standard. When we are making progress, making things better, striving for excellence, we are at peace. When we insist on perfection, we suffer.

Stephanie Goddard Work Stress Solutions

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.