How to "Let Go"

Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.


To let go is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.


To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.


To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.


To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.


To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.


To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.


To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.


To let go is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.


To let go is not to deny, but to accept.


To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.


To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.


To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.


To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.


To let go is to fear less and love more.



(Author Unknown)

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Drop the Call

I hate the phone. If you know me, you know this. I would rather text you or Facebook you or email you or chat face-to-face then pick up the phone and call you. This is true at work and in my personal life. This is true if I’m your customer or you are mine. This is true all the time, even if the call is free. I don’t like talking on the phone, and here’s why:

Talking on the phone is the worst possible method. First, you must keep a device next to your head at all times. Now, some “phone pros” purchase the expensive earpiece that allows hands-free calling. I can almost see the appeal. But I have one question: have you ever had something in your ear for any length of time? How was that? Cotton ball? Earbuds? Ear plugs? Was that a pleasant experience? Right. It isn’t. You want whatever it is out as soon as possible.

Secondly, talking on the phone requires constant dialogue. In person or online, you can take breaks, you can pause, you can leave the area and return without a lot of issues. But dead silence on the phone? Wow! What’s wrong? Are you still there? So how ‘bout those Yankees? While you hold this now-hot (and possibly sweaty) device next to your face you must also be ready with a constant flow of conversation.

To add insult to injury, you must now determine when the other person has stopped their train of thought, so as not to interrupt them. While you have no body language advantage while texting or emailing, making for the occasional misunderstanding, you also have no body language on the phone. You, therefore, interrupt your caller without fail or they interrupt you---which inevitably results in a manners-contest of, “No! You go ahead.” And “Oh no---you first,” or “No, no what were YOU going to say?” and so on.

So, just to recap: no interrupting, but also no silence. Are you following me so far?

In the world of text, email, chat, or social media, one has the supreme advantage of being able to edit before sending a comment. While typing may not be your thing, being able to delete your insensitive comment or bad joke is undoubtedly invaluable to even the hunt-and-peck crowd.

Now consider things like going to the bathroom (can’t do that on the phone, though it’s acceptable when you are face-to-face to excuse yourself and take care of biological needs), talking to other people in your area, stretching, keeping your eye on the TV, dealing with chores, etc. All are possible WHILE you communicate online. No one wonders why your response isn’t immediate…or if the response never comes…we know something in your life took you away. Perfectly okay. For those with an extra strong need to be polite, you simply put “brb” (be right back) or “otp” (on the phone) or whatever has taken you away indicating you will resume the conversation when, and if, you are ready.

Unlike the phone (and face to face), communicating with others via text also has the advantage of a written record. Invaluable for business transactions, this is also a terrific tool for personal relationships. You can go back and re-read a misunderstanding and see it with different eyes or ask for clarification and send their very words back to them. You can miss someone and simply pull up your last email exchange or chat, and be there once again. No need to get a hand cramp writing a letter, finding a stamp and a post office to send your words to another. You can be in Australia and you can talk via text for free---in real time---with someone in the United States right this minute. That’s amazing. I don’t care how slow you type.

So, in conclusion, for the friends and family that know I dislike the phone, and for my customers who see that I have switched my phone coaching business to an email format (though still handling workshops face-to-face---but never via conference call), I am giving you my full reasoning for this choice. While I’m pretty sure this will not change many of your minds about picking up the phone and calling someone when other options are available, at the very least, I hope this allows you to see why I am not and never will be regularly calling you to catch up.

If you have a counter-argument to my position, and find my view anti-social or strange in any way, I am open to that and would love to hear your reasoning.

Just call me.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Know Thyself

In the interest of self-acceptance, it is amazingly useful to "Know Thyself" as well as possible. These tests offer quite a lot of "knowing." All are free too. Spend some time getting to know yourself here.

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The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is the leading psychological instrument for measuring personality type. Emotional intelligence is also identified within the Thinker/Feeler spectrum.

What stresses us and why (and how we handle it) are all revealed and improved once you understand your type. Take this free test and learn more about your type: Take the Jung Personality Test

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Another MBTI-type test that many say is easier to answer (and is shorter to complete) comes from a site called 41 Questions (41Q). Take the 41 Questions Test.

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Once you know your type, spend some time reading about how you tick on The Personality Page. The Personality Page

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The Enneagram is one of the oldest tests in the world for finding out more about who you are, your challenges around emotional intelligence, and how you handle stress. The Ennegram Personality Inventory:

Perfectionism
Helpfulness
Image Focus
Hypersensitivity
Detachment
Anxiety
Adventurousness
Aggressiveness
Calmness


As always, here's a FREE link to take the test yourself. _________________________________________________

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the leading indicator of workplace success---far outweighing IQ. Self-awareness is the first step to EI. Take advantage of the emotional intelligence tests and tools listed below and IMPROVE your EI for better stress management.
Complete EI Assessment
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The Johari Window is a great way to get a handle on your EI and increase its number. The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.
Free Johari Assessment.
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Tests from Psychology Today...all free! Includes:

What is Your Emotional IQ?
Are You Mentally Tough?
Is Your Lifestyle Wearing You Down?
What Are Your Stress Triggers?
What's Your Personality Type?
Are You Burned Out? (Non-Service Fields)
Are You Burned Out? (Service Professions)


Go to my site for links to the tests listed above now.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Truth from Osho

Question: “Somewhere there is that fear which makes me closed and hard and sad and desperate and angry and hopeless. It seems to be so subtle that I don’t even really get in touch with it. How can I see it more clearly?"


Osho: “The only problem with sadness, desperateness, anger, hopelessness, anxiety, anguish, misery, is that you want to get rid of them. That’s the only barrier.

You will have to live with them. You cannot just escape. They are the very situation in which life has to integrate and grow. They are the challenges of life. Accept them. They are blessings in disguise. If you want to escape from them, if you somehow want to get rid of them, then the problem arises – because if you want to get rid of something, you never look at it directly. And then the thing starts hiding from you because you are condemnatory; then the thing goes on moving deeper into the unconscious, hides in the darkest corner of your being where you cannot find it. It moves into the basement of your being and hides there. And of course the deeper it goes, the more trouble it creates – because then it starts functioning from unknown corners of your being and you are completely helpless.

So the first thing is: never repress. The first thing is: whatsoever is the case is the case. Accept it and let it come – let it come in front of you. In fact just to say “do not repress” is not enough. If you allow me, I would like to say, “Befriend it.”

You are feeling sad? Befriend it, have compassion for it. Sadness also has a being. Allow it, embrace it, sit with it, hold hands with it. Be friendly. Be in love with it. Sadness is beautiful! Nothing is wrong with it. Who told you that something is wrong in being sad? In fact only sadness gives you depth. Laughter is shallow; happiness is skin-deep. Sadness goes to the very bones, to the marrow. Nothing goes as deep as sadness.

So don’t be worried. Remain with it and sadness will take you to your innermost core. You can ride on it and you will be able to know a few new things about your being that you had never known before. Those things can be revealed only in a sad state, they can never be revealed in a happy state. Darkness is also good and darkness is also divine. The day is not only existence’s, the night is also. I call this attitude religious.

A person who can be patiently sad will suddenly find that one morning a happiness is arising in his heart from some unknown source. That unknown source is godliness. You have earned it if you have been truly sad; if you have been truly hopeless, desperate, unhappy, miserable, if you have lived in hell, you have earned heaven. You have paid the cost.”

Confront life. Encounter life. Difficult moments will be there, but one day you will see that those difficult moments gave you strength because you encountered them. They were meant to be. Those difficult moments are hard when you are passing through them, but later on you will see they have made you more integrated. Without them you would never have been centered, grounded.

The old religions all over the world have been repressive; the new religion of the future is going to be expressive. And I teach that new religion…let expression be one of the most fundamental rules of your life. Even if you have to suffer for it, suffer. You will never be a loser. That suffering will make you more and more capable of enjoying life, of rejoicing in life."

(Thanks to Anupam Barlow)

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Illusion of Guilt

It's always there. like a trail of breadcrumbs, the path to peace (and out of stress) is the same as the path away that got you out of peace (and stressed out).

It goes action > guilt > projection. So you just gotta turn it around and see the projection >past the guilt > find my action.

You're looking at your projection now, you just gotta clear the guilt which is hiding your own action, and see it again with your beautiful eyes of light which now know that you did nothing wrong and you could never make a mistake.

Sometimes it takes hours to find it, but it is always there. If I see a wrong has been done by another, always, I have done this wrong myself and am just holding the other guilty because I hold myself guilty.

Tip before you try this: The best way is to ask nicely and then close your eyes and sit quietly and wait for the memory to appear.

~Caity Johnstone

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Rudeness Is the Weak Person's Imitation of Strength

This particular wisdom hit me right between the eyes this morning. I am currently reflecting on all the times I was "strong" in my life, and am slowly realizing they may have all been nothing heroic in the least, but merely acts of rudeness. As I sit here typing, already needing to share this truth with my corner of the world, I am mentally going through a scrapbook of relationships and actions and decisions---that may have all been nothing more than insults.


It's nice to read an article where the author has actually mastered the skill they are sharing...but in today's post, that is not the case. I am writing this with the hope that my struggle with the fresh sting of realization (which is the force behind these words) will have the most impact for the reader.


As I struggle with this truth, rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength, I am uncomfortable, because that spotlight of truth is surely searching for me and I must avoid it for fear of recognizing myself in these powerful words. Therefore, I could take my discomfort and push it outward. This technique is definitely one I've employed in the past (blame someone else), but I know enough these days to see that's just a stalling technique. So I could declare that I've seen no profound examples of strength, only rudeness, and blame my elders and cultural leaders.


Or I could go inward and decide that I'm a tragically weak, mean, petty person with no hope for redemption and despair for a time, wallowing in my error of faux-strength and avoid others until I'm able to "come out and play well with others."


I could also reach back and locate the strong/rude times of my actions and acts and see, instead, that I knew on some level that I wasn't being strong. And the mere ability to so easily locate those memories, is proof enough that I was rude, unkind---even mean---to people that were a part of my life story. This sting I feel is a good sting, I want to go on the record with that.


As I sit in my discomfort caused by my identification with this truism, I can already feel the rising from the ashes that a lifetime of working on the value of being kind and honest hasn't been able to accomplish. I can look back and realize I was trying to be brave and to stand up for myself, both honorable goals, and missed the mark for lack of a better understanding of myself and others pain. In one sentence: I didn't know what I didn't know.


I can also project forward, sitting here alone at my keyboard, imagining my next interactions as I exit my home and enter the rude world, and see that I will respond differently. I will have more understanding and therefore tolerance (and dare I say compassion?) to impatient customers at my local grocery store, drivers who insist on cutting in before being waved through, people I pass on the sidewalk who won't look up and meet my eyes and smile.


We are all trying to appear, and to actually be, strong. We find instead in those dark nights of the soul, that we are often weak (or perhaps fragile is a better word). The only external evidence of a bridge to this gap has been a display of rudeness in the form of insults and judgment and anger. I see now the politicians, the radio hosts, my past supervisors, and even my estranged family, former lovers, lost friends...were all about appearing strong, when we were really feeling our weakest.


Maybe my efforts at learning and teaching human kindness all these years (commonly called "people skills" or "leadership development") has allowed me to view this epiphany with something much more profound then self-disgust. I am unable to find the self-blame. But what is more important to me, is that I can't find the blame of others either. That 'sore tooth' I always ran my mental tongue over, seems to be missing this morning. One phrase, "Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength," has set my emotional world on its ear.


I see now that I and the other people in my life, were trying to appear strong, or at least not vulnerable to hurt. The words we used to communicate this natural survival skill were steeped in unkindness because they were meant to create a safe distance. The rudeness was and is an attempt at self-protection, self-support, a misguided show of inner resolve and strength to be our own advocates. It was meant to be a vote for ourselves.


But if your life is anything like mine (and I know only one thing after years and years of working with people in conflict---everyone's life is filled with regret and pain and self-judgment, no matter how cleverly concealed to the outside world), you now see that your show of strength did not meet your true goal. That the reason we can locate these stories and memories so quickly, is because they still hurt, still feel wrong, still cause pain. Our rudeness, our unkindness to another human being, was not in alignment with our true intention.


Our true intention is the same at our core: we want to show another that we are indeed our own advocate. We are eternally-focused on ensuring no harm be done to ourselves. The struggle with this only happens because we are also sure---in our deepest selves---that this can be done without harming another in the process.


In the end, rudeness hurts. Manners and etiquette and active listening and all the rest of human-made communication are intended to ensure that kindness wins in the end. That to be my own advocate never means that I have to undermine your own self-advocacy. A difficult task, a tough balance, an impossible feat---or so I thought----until I saw that rudeness is your cue to me that you are feeling weak.


And with that secret code now broken, I can find my own inner strength and turn the interaction to one of human understanding.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Total Selfishness is Love

If you follow this blog regularly, you know how adamant I am about self-care and that this is never selfish....and that the only selfish person in the room is the one calling YOU selfish (test that out---it never fails to be true).

My favorite teacher (Benjamin Smythe) has a new video on anger, selfishness, boundaries and respect. He's always brutally, refreshingly, humorously on target.

Enjoy (PG-13 rating :)




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Emotional Stress, Trust and Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).




Why 5-7 Relationships?


Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.


So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?


This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.


-Employee
-Parent
-Friend
-Self (which includes spiritual practice and physical maintenance as well)
-Daughter/Family of Origin
-Significant Other
-Small Business Owner



Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.



Under "employee" for instance, I have:


*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services


The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:


*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?
*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?


It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).


You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

I Love You?

Recently, I was in a lunch-time yoga class that was sponsored by my employer. Many of the students were people I know in a limited way, not as friends or confidants, but just acquaintances. At the end of the class, the instructor said, "As you go about your day, say "I love you" in your mind to everyone you see."

I mentally cringed. I thought, "Well, I get that...but will they? Will they tell the coordinator of this class that the instructor is a nut?"

Yes, I see the arrogance in my thinking. And yet, did you cringe when you saw the title to this entry? I know I cringed typing it. I know I am taking a risk to even publish this article. My fear? That you will believe me to be shallow and simple instead of a subject matter expert in workplace communications.

But here you are, well into this article waiting to see what I am going to say about the phrase, that most coveted of utterances, "I love you." And what I am going to say is: I agree. You should walk around all day, every day saying "I love you" in your head.

My own journey has taken me to a practice the Hawaiians have introduced to some seekers, called Ho'Oponopono (translates to "correct errors"). It's a practice in which we intentionally reprogram our inner self-talk to one that accepts full responsibility for what we are seeing and perceiving and interpreting about anything in our awareness.

There are many techniques to "clean" or "erase" this programming---programming we all have inherited. One way, the simplest way, is to say "I love you" as often as you remember to do so (there are actually FOUR PHRASES to repeat. See the last video on this page for a song that incorporates all four.)

I have hesitated to post this. I have said to myself that people will dismiss me. But today I asked, "Why would they? And if they do, what is that about?" Well, that's more cultural programming, isn't it?

Consider the following:

*Haven't you experienced situations or been conditioned from someone at some point to NOT say mentally something like "I love you"?

*Do I mean you should say "I love you" in your mind to the homeless guy you pass on your way into work?

*Are you holding the value (programming) that "I love you" must be shared sparingly---and only when you know the sentiment will be returned?

*Are you holding this thought (programming) back for only those who DESERVE it?

If your answer to those questions is "yes" is that the programming you want to continue to reinforce? Is it working for you? Are you feeling regulary happy, content, at peace?

Or do you judge everything from the homeless guy to the gum on the sidewalk to the burned-out street lamp as "not deserving"?

Surely, nothing BAD will come of training your self-talk to say, "I love you" over and over. Try it as you fall asleep tonight. Try it when you are bored in a grocery store line. Try it when you see yourself in the mirror. If it feels wrong, then don't do it anymore. But if it feels good....why would you stop?


If you'd like to learn a little more about the practice of Ho'Oponopono, I've provided some video links:



Free video series of actual workshop (one of three)

Quick info now:











See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Which Brain is the Right Brain?

Suggesting a book that certainly complements what we are attempting to do on this blog, on my website and in my books: to enhance the right brain functions over the left. Not sure what that means? Not sure which side you favor? Read on...

From Oprah's website:

The last few decades have belonged to a certain kind of person with a certain kind of mind—computer programmers who could crank code, lawyers who could craft contracts, MBAs who could crunch numbers. But the keys to the kingdom are changing hands. The future belongs to a very different kind of person with a very different kind of mind—creators and empathizers, pattern recognizers, and meaning makers. These people—artists, inventors, designers, storytellers, caregivers, consolers, big picture thinkers—will now reap society’s richest rewards and share its greatest joys.

This book describes a seismic—though as yet undetected—shift now under way in much of the advanced world. We are moving from an economy and a society built on the logical, linear, computerlike capabilities of the Information Age to an economy and a society built on the inventive, empathic, big-picture capabilities of what’s rising in its place, the Conceptual Age. A Whole New Mind is for anyone who wants to survive and thrive in this emerging world—people uneasy in their careers or dissatisfied with their lives, entrepreneurs and business leaders eager to stay ahead of the next wave, parents who want to equip their children for the future, and the legions of emotionally astute and creatively adroit people whose distinctive abilities the Information Age has often overlooked and undervalued.

In this book, you will learn the six essential aptitudes—what I call “the six senses”—on which professional success and personal satisfaction increasingly will depend. Design. Story. Symphony. Empathy. Play. Meaning. These are fundamentally human abilities that everyone can master—and helping you do that is my goal.

Read more on Oprah's site.


Free PDF for Business People.

Two questions from the PDF:

-How innate are the six abilities Pink discusses (Design, Story, Symphony, Empathy, Play and Meaning)? Which of them is your strongest? Weakest? Which is most
important for your current job?

-What role do play and humor have in your workplace? Could play or humor improve your service to clients? Do you agree with Pink that a sense of humor can make someone a better manager? Why or why not?


Pink's Website


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.