Word Choice in Conflict

"We are a master of the words we think,
and a slave to the words we speak." ~Zen saying

I speak for a living. Words are my bread and butter. And even I have problems with word choice when it comes to dealing with conflict in the workplace. While we can't possibly control everything that comes out of our mouths, there are some words to AVOID and a way to practice a conversation if we know it's coming.


*Word to Avoid When Dealing with Difficult Co-Workers*

But, However, Although

These are actually all the same word. It is the use of one of these words that negates anything said prior to them. It sounds something like this:

"You're doing a really good job here, but...."

The listener automatically knows that what you said prior to the BUT is not true, or less true, than what you are about to say. It angers people because it feels manipulative (and that's probably because it is an attempt to manipulate better reception of your negative comment).


What to say instead? AND. "You're doing a really good job here AND here are some things you could do even better..." Makes all the difference.

Never and Always

These words are absolutes, and they diminish a person's inherent complexity when used to describe behaviors. It sounds like this:

"You are NEVER on time....You are ALWAYS late..."

This starts an argument, because this isn't true. You aren't using facts, you are essentially name-calling. If you need to discuss someone's behavior, it would behoove you to use FACTS or DATA instead of ABSOLUTES. This conversation may sound like:

"You have been late four out of the last five days..."

Now, we can have a factual conversation instead of borderline slander.


Practicing Difficult Conversations

If you have the luxury of knowing a difficult conversation is coming your way, there are two ways to practice (and practice you must---going over this in your head in the car on the way in to work is NOT practice).


1. Have a mock conversation with someone you trust. It has to be someone you trust, because this is going to be embarrassing and it needs to be kept confidential. But if you have someone who can role-play the difficult co-worker in question, you have got yourself some workplace gold. Mine it.


2. Write it out. When we write long-hand (doesn't work using the computer), we engage our left and right brain simultaneously---creative meets logical. Powerful stuff. You may not say everything exactly as you wrote it when the actual conversation happens, but your odds are greatly increased, and as a side bonus, you relieve a lot of pent-up negativity in the process.


You may have certain words that get you riled. I know I am personally not a fan of the response, "Whatever." Do you have a phrase or word that upsets you? Share it below in the comments section so we all can benefit (and avoid their use in the future):


More on dealing with difficult co-workers? See my site for information on:

Tone of Voice
Body Language
Mindset/Attitude
Listening Skills

Just Like Me

This article is life-changing...it's important...and I didn't write it. But I will do my damnedest to get it out there to as many people as I can.

Othering: How to Use Current Events for Your Own Evolution
Posted by Arjuna Ardagh

The word “other” is commonly used in English as both an adjective and a pronoun. As an adjective: “born on the other side of the tracks.” As a pronoun: “if it’s not one thing, it’s the other.” Today I’d like to submit for your consideration the word “other” as a verb. Examples? “Dude, don’t other me,” and “she was in a terrible mood, othering everybody the whole evening.”

Here is my proposed dictionary entry for the next Merriam Webster:

other |ˈəðər|
verb
1. to attribute qualities onto another person, often a celebrity in the news, so as to avoid acknowledging these same qualities within oneself:
[as verb. ] hey, don’t other Clinton, most married men have done stuff like that | I went to a meeting with the Dalai Lama. It was great but people tend to other him by putting him above them.

For the last ten days, our latest “otherfest” has focused on Rep. Anthony Weiner, whose name made him a larger-than-life-Disney-cartoon disaster waiting to happen. Republicans are having a field day, of course, and even the members of his own party are calling for his resignation. Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advocating sending snaps of your private parts to women you hardly know. I don’t condone lying, or emotionally abandoning your recently pregnant wife. Probably everyone, including Rep. Weiner himself, agrees that these actions were stupid, immature, and hurtful to other people.

We can learn from this and many other current events, however, by shifting our attention from “what that terrible, despicable, lying rotten good for nothing over there did,” to “why are we getting so upset about this, and giving it so much attention?”

Why do we use the news so frequently for collective ‘othering?” One important reason is that there are weaknesses from which we all suffer: you and me and everyone we know. For example, pretty much every married man suffers from a case, mild or strong, of the wandering eye. His attention is caught by a pretty face, or a shapely curve, before he even has time to think about it. He might sometimes gaze at the thousands of naked women available on the web. He might even go all out, and have an affair. Generally, he feels bad about all of the above, he frequently lies about them, and he hopes to not get found out, neither for his actions, nor for his secret thoughts or dreams. He knows that all this distracts him from true intimacy with his wife, and she knows it too. But he does not know what to do about it. It is a dangerous weakness we all have. If we act on these impulses and get caught, they can destroy our marriage or career. So when a man conveniently called Weiner makes the mistake of following the impulses of his weiner, it is not just his issue. It is every man’s secret nightmare, and his wife’s as well, written large for all to see.

Similarly, every mother I have ever known, however devoted and loving and patient, at some time or other feels overwhelmed. She needs a break. She may sometimes lose it with the kids, or wish she had not become a mother so young. She might even, in her most private moments of deep despair, wish she could go back to the carefree life she lived before they were born. Then she catches herself, and blocks such thoughts from her mind. She becomes afraid that she is a bad mother for ever thinking that way. If questioned, she would never, ever, ever, admit to resenting her own kids. “I love them, I am a good mother.” Hence the Casey Anthony trial does not pass in obscurity in a remote Florida court house, it is international news day after day after day. Every small and sordid detail is guzzled up, in real time, by millions of people, as if it were their own family member in the dock. Why? Because this is our own secret nightmare on display for everyone to see.

The simple antidote for othering, which turns every news story into an opportunity for evolution and maturity are three simple words: Just like me. What did Weiner do? His attention wandered, and he acted on it. Most men, at least the honest ones, could easily say, “Just like me.” (And yes, things that happened in college do count.) Then he lied, for a week, before fessing up. C’mon guys, we can also offer another “Just like me.”

In order for “just like me” to work, you’ve got to let go of the facts a little bit, and tune into the energy underneath. Most men have not tweeted pics of their package to virtual strangers. They may not even have flirted. And certainly most women have never actually harmed their own children. The question is whether you can locate and be honest about the same impulses in the locked basement of your own thoughts. You may not have acted on them, but the important question is, have you ever taken such a wild ride in your mind?

Two or three months ago, Dr. Gay Hendricks and I released a YouTube video called “Dear Woman.” With a ramshackle assortment of buddies, we created a chorus of “just like me,” about how we can ‘fess up to weaknesses in our own masculine psyche. Men from all over the world were outraged that we would voice a collective apology for things that we, and they, didn’t do.

People object to letting go of “othering” because they think that by acknowledging those same traits in themselves, it is creating guilt and shame. They are also concerned that they may be abandoning their moral compass all together, reducing themselves to a left coast mush where everything is ok.

I suggest that you can maintain a well-tuned sense right and wrong, without having to project the “wrong” onto political figures, and claim the “right” things for yourself. Releasing “othering” doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a more honest, deeper and compassionate person.

What are the benefits of integrating “just like me” into your life?

* One, you can instantaneously replace heavy feelings of separation and judgment with compassion and empathy, thereby improving your health.

* Two, you can bring undesirable qualities out of the shadow, own them, and become a more engaging, and multidimensional person.

* Three, when checking in to Google News every day, instead of getting depressed, it can become an endless, fascinating journey of self-discovery. “Wow, we did that too?”

You can use “just like me” not only on things that you condemn as bad, but also on qualities you admire, and wish to emulate, “The Dalai Lama is so wise and calm… just like me.” “Mark Wahlberg is so smart, just like me.” “Barack Obama is so eloquent. He has such a knack with words… just like me.”

If you’d like to know more about “just like me” and other similar tools, go register at thedeeperlove.com, and they’ll send you a useful practice every few days (free).



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Conflict in the Workplace

Here's a little information that outta raise the hair on the back of your neck:

The effects of conflict in the workplace are widespread and costly. Its prevalence, as indicated by three serious studies, shows that 24-60% of management time and energy is spent dealing with anger. This leads to decreased productivity, increased stress among employees, hampered performance, high turnover rate, absenteeism and at its worst, violence and death. ~Business Know-How.Com


Good times. And you wanted a job.

First, let me direct you to the tools already available on my site for handling difficult co-workers and/or your own negativity in contributing to conflict:

Difficult Co-Workers
Article "Dealing with Difficult People at Work"
Article "Being Right: What Price Do You Pay?"
E-Book (free) 101 Ways to Deal with a Pain in the Butt @ Work



Warning: Make sure this is YOUR business. Many times, we get involved in other people's workplace conflict because we believe it is the right and kind thing to do. And we make a mess of it. Or we end up in the middle of it. Here are some articles for ensuring you are seeing things CORRECTLY before inserting yourself into the conflict:

Article. Stressing Out Over the Cold Shoulder
Article. Is it Your Business? Boundaries and Tea Cups
Article. The Disease to Please

But if you've already read those, and you still need help in getting your workplace conflict handled, and you are sure this is YOUR business, here are some suggestions:

Make sure you let someone know you are handling this situation in the near future. Alert HR, your supervisor, Legal...someone else needs this information. Trust me.

1. Ensure the interaction takes place in a confidential and quiet environment.

2. Listening is the main reason this is so off-track. When we feel HEARD, we aren't inclined toward anger, gossip, creating silos or cliches...we only do these things because we need our side/view heard. P.S. This is also why we YELL.

3. Tell the parties that there is one rule here: No interrupting. Give each person a chance to tell their ENTIRE story, until they say, "I am finished." You can facilitate this by asking, "Is there anything else?" until you hear, "No. I am finished."

4. Summarize, in your own words, what you heard the individual say. Then turn to the other party and ask for their version. Repeat.

5. Ask each party for ONE THING that they would like to see change. You could phrase this as:

"What is one thing you would like to see handled differently in the future?"

or

"If you were in my role, what would you suggest I do to remedy this situation?"


5a. If you get no response or an "I don't know" then respond with:


"If you don't know what you need here or what would make things better for you...how can I know? I need you to participate in the solution."


NOTE: Don't use a snarky tone of voice here. Your goal is to not let either party know who you side with (and it would be ideal if you didn't side with either of them!).



Your intention is to make them the PROBLEM-SOLVERS here (as they were the PROBLEM-MAKERS). You are not the mom. You are not the President. You may have some advice, but if you give it, they will keep coming back for more.


Ultimately, you may need to get your manager or an HR professional involved. This may also escalate into disciplinary action. Everyone's job in the workplace is two-fold : To manage results AND maintain relationships. In this case, the second one is being violated.


You have every right to expect a polite and agreeable workplace. If these two are not willing to at least FAKE IT, then it is time to move them out of the organization. Follow your company's process for termination.





See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Constructive Criticism is a Scam

"Constructive criticism" is a scam run by people who want to beat you up. And they want you to believe it is for your own good."

That's from a book by Cheri Huber called, "There is Nothing Wrong with You". I STRONGLY urge you to purchase a copy.

More:

"If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago."


Seem like too much trouble? To buy the book and read it? You'd rather just read snippets HERE and move onto something else that's easy? Hmmmmm. That sounds like a plan for KEEPING the notion in place that there is something wrong with you. I don't want that for you, and I don't want that for me.


So maybe this (from Cheri's book) will resonate:

"Self-hate uses self-improvement as self-maintenance. As long as you are concerned about improving yourself, you'll always have a self to improve. And you will always suffer."


I have no link for you to click on. I'm not selling Cheri Huber books. I'm selling peace (except it's free, so I tend to just fall on the "pro" side of the issue :) You know how to purchase a book. Go to that place/site and do this for yourself.




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

How I Wrote "101 Ways to Love Your Job"

Do you wonder how someone puts together an entire book? Do you sometimes think you have something to say that others would benefit from hearing? Here's the story of how "101 Ways to Love Your Job" came to be:


As a workshop leader, I get a lot of phone calls and emails and personal visits from employees. I started to notice that I would answer the same question, several times, in one week. I would also hear about trends, concerns and upsets in my workshops. Instead of answering these issues one by one, I decided it would be much more efficient to start a regular email tip weekly newsletter. I sent an announcement to all the employees in my organization, and said, "If you want to get these emails, let me know. I won't be sending these to everyone, because some people may not be interested."


In about one week, I had over 800 people on my list.


I sent out a little paragraph, a thought for the day, or a link to an article. Sometimes I got feedback, sometimes no one said anything about that week's entry.


Fast forward five years later----and I had 88 entries!


No one at my job had asked me to do this. I received no extra money for this activity. I did NOT think that one day these suggestions would be published. I just did it, because I saw a need.


Eventually, I added some more entries until I had 101 and submitted the draft to my publisher.

Where can you fill a need? What do you know that can help someone who may be struggling? You never know how these actions might attract a publisher, employer or business owner. Don't hold back just because you aren't "famous" or because you think you need a Ph.D. Contribute for the sake of contributing. It feels great, by the way. Be sincere in your wish to make people's lives better. You never know how it might turn out.

Available in paperback or as a PDF ebook.




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Cool: The Emotional Straightjacket

From Brené Brown's Gifts of Imperfection blog.

What has a decade of research on authenticity, shame, vulnerability and courage taught me about "being cool?"

1. The need to "be cool" is an emotional straightjacket. It keeps us from moving, growing, stretching and feeling free.

2. "Cool" and authentic are often mutually exclusive.

3. It takes courage to be awkward, goofy, and silly - all of the feelings that we experience when we're brave enough to try something new or risk being innovative. This is so tough for me. My mantra when I'm trying something new and feeling awkward and goofy is "Effort + the courage to show up = enough."

4. The language of cool permeates our culture and sends messages to the people around us - especially our children. Try boycotting words like LAME, UNCOOL, and LOSER. Also, there is an entire collection of words that are used as cool armour by vulnerable teens and tweens (and adults). They include words like retard, retarded, bitch, fag, and queer. Trying to come off as cool and indifferent often leads to the use of hate language.

5. The greatest casualty of the endless pursuit of cool is connection. When we don't let people see and know our true selves, we sacrifice connection. Without connection, we struggle for purpose and meaning.

Have a great week, be connected, and be cool you.


Posted on 05.9.2011 | by Brené Brown | in Gifts of Imperfection,




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Rules of Improvisation That Will Change Your Life

This is from Tina Fey's book, Bossypants. The book is adorable, and of course, funny...but this entry was actually pretty damned profound and points to instructions for LIFE, so I thought I'd share it with you:

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, "Freeze, I have a gun," and you say, "That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me," our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun!" and you say, "The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!" then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in face a Christmas gun.



Now, obviously in real life you're not always going to agree with everything everyone says. But the Rule of Agreement reminds you to "respect what your partner has created" and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where that takes you.



As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. "No, we can't do that." "No, that's not in the budget." "No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar." What kind of what is that to live?



The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then add something of your own. If I start a scene with "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you just say, "Yeah..." we're kind of at a standstill. But if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you say, "What did you expect? We're in hell." Or if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you say, "Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures." Or if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here," and you say, "I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth," now we're getting somewhere.



To me YES, AND means don't be afraid to contribute. It's your responsibility to contribute. Always make sure you're adding to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.



The next rule is MAKE STATEMENTS. This is a positive way of saying, "Don't ask questions all the time." If we're in a scene and I say, "Who are you? Where are we? What are we doing here? What's in that box?" I'm putting pressure on you to come up with all the answers.



In other words: Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don't just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles. We've all worked with that person. That person is a drag. It's usually the same person around the office what says things like "There's no calories in it if you eat it standing up!"



MAKE STATEMENTS also applies to us women: Speak in statements instead of apologetic questions. No one wants to go to a doctor who says, "I'm going to be your surgeon? I'm here to talk to you about your procedure? I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?" Make statements, with your actions and your voice.



Instead of saying, "Where are we?" make a statement like "Here we are in Spain, Dracula." Okay, "Here we are in Spain, Dracula" may seem like a terrible start to a scene, but this leads us to the best rule:



THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities. If I start a scene as what I think is very clearly a cop riding a bicycle, but you think I am a hamster in a hamster wheel, guess what? Now I'm a hamster in a hamster wheel. I'm not going to stop everything to explain that it was really supposed to be a bike. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up being a police hamster who's been put on "hamster wheel" duty because I'm "too much of a loose cannon" in the field. In improv, there are no mistakes, only beautiful happy accidents. I mean, look at the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, or Botox.




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

As a Man Thinketh---Modern Rewrite

Recently one of my most important teachers suggested “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen for my own supplemental reading. This book has been free for years, and I immediately downloaded the original work. I found the language so difficult to read, that I wanted to rewrite it for my own comprehension of the material.

But first, I "Googled‟ to see if there was already a modern-day interpretation and found one by Christopher Westra. Christopher was also providing this book online, for free, to keep the information moving to those who needed it. Though Christopher did an excellent job with this rewrite, I was still having issues with some of the tone and language. It was too "Old Testament‟ for me. There was an almost angry, judgmental feel to the work (Note: This was not Christopher‟s doing, but because of the original‟s content. Christopher kept the book as in tact as possible). This was blocking my ability to take in James Allen‟s truth. So I took Christopher‟s rewrite and rewrote if even further, to align this information with the way we view ourselves (and the way we speak) today.

You may prefer the original book or Christopher‟s version. Here is mine, also available for no charge:

COPY AND PASTE INTO BROWSER:
http://www.work-stress-solutions.com/support-files/james-allen-modern-rewrite.pdf


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

It's Not Personal, It's Protection

What came up for me this morning, to write to you, was a technique or trick I use to deal with almost EVERYONE. It's ideally used all-day, almost non-stop, with everyone---not just the difficult people in your life.


I imagine everyone that comes into my line of sight as they may have been as a child. The director, flustered, irritated, in a hurry to get budget information to the higher-ups? She's now 9-years-old and in a Brownie uniform. The guy who just cut me off and FLIPPED me off in traffic? He can't even see over the wheel in my mind's eye...he's in overalls and has a cowlick and fudgsicle smears all over his face.

Why do I do this? It reminds me that at the core we are all vulnerable, ashamed of something, hiding parts of ourselves, terrified that we will lose connection with our tribes. So we create these tough-guy masks. Or these "I'm very important" masks. It's not personal. It's protection.


I know that's true for me. And I keep a picture of myself at 5 years old in my bedroom and pass it every day. I often stop and look at this picture and see the happiest of smiles (missing three teeth), the tousled hair in barrettes that I'm sure I thought was looking quite grown-up...her. She's still in me. And I have put tons of armor in place (or she did---it's hard to know at this point).


Will you try this today and see if it helps you? This is one of the "hows" I am offering to the "What" we so often hear : the only thing you can change is yourself.




This entry was a Daily Message on my site. There is no sign-up or newsletter. Just bookmark the page for a daily piece of advice or insight: Work Stress Solutions Daily Message.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Thank You for Taxes!

I am writing this on April 15th, better known as dreaded Tax Day!

But, I don't view taxes like most people. I work for my local government and I interact with what I privately call "Street Angels."

And my taxes and your taxes keep these "Street Angels" fed, clothed and sheltered. That's all they appear to need, and it's the least we can do for them---trust me on this and please read on.

As I open up my workshops, I ask for the participants' name, department and a short description of what they do all day. It's helpful to allow a Landscape Tech to hear what Child Protective Services workers do; or how a Zoning and Planning person spends their time vs. an EMS.

But I have another agenda while taking up to a half hour to get these introductions handled in a four-six hour class. It's not just educating the people in the room on other County functions. It's to remind me of what precious cargo I have before me, and that I need to make these hard-to-find hours count. My objective is to leave them with the skills they need to make my community better. To charge them up, however slightly, to send them back onto the streets, to help the people who live here. Because, to be honest, I just don't have it what it takes to be a Street Angel.

Imagine entering into a home, in an area that is so bad, you ask for a co-worker to join you: a Sheriff's deputy. The person answering the door may be, for instance, putting cigarettes to his children's arms as a form of discipline, but you don't know for sure. You smell alcohol coming from him, even though it's only 10am. Your job is to question this person, sitting on their living room furniture in their home, and possibly take their child from them within the hour. If this happens, it will be bad. There will be yelling, physical attempts at you, grabbing for the child, throwing things. Everyone in the street will witness this scene and see YOU as the wrong party. This is someone's child. How dare you.

And for all this hassle, you are only making $100,000 a year. No wait...that's too little for doing this 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, 50 weeks a year. You make...LESS. Much LESS. You work for the government, after all. And we must honor the taxpayers' wishes. You will need at least a Masters Degree for this "just in it for the paycheck" role too. Otherwise we know this situation would not be handled properly and legally. But, you are likely a "slacker" and a "typical government worker", so how does $35,000 sound?

But let's head back to the streets of any fair city. Is there someone walking drunk in the road? Call 911. Did someone destroy the entrance to your neighborhood with graffiti? Call 911. Did you hear something downstairs? Call 911. Did those leaves get out of control you were burning? Call 911. Your old boyfriend or neighbor being abusive? Call 911.

And like magic, the ugly part of being human is handled.

Because of the "Street Angels."

These are but two examples of what your taxes pay for. I actually got BACK taxes this year. I wouldn't have minded if I had to PAY taxes however. Because I know what they go for. I know that from where I sit, having an honest to goodness front row seat for government spending, that those taxes are honored, spent judiciously, and used for the things I don't want to deal with or don't know how to deal with. And there is never enough to handle "the ugly part of being human."

Happy Tax Day. It's a good thing.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.