Anger: What Is It Good For?

Answer: Absolutely nothing.

Maybe. I'm obviously paraphrasing Bruce here...but let me fill you in on my reasoning.

In my work, I've followed the research on anger most of all. Anger is the thing everyone signs up for my classes to avoid or remedy. It's the main theme for ALL of the interpersonal skill programs. How to avoid this result. The damage it does.

At first, the literature said: Let it all hang out; don't hold back. It's bad for you, it's not healthy. So, we all did. And that got a result...one most of us did not appreciate. One that did damage, esp. in the workplace. Lately, the research says the opposite: To indulge your anger, creates adrenaline neuropathways, that BEG to be fed, once laid down. And then we create situations to allow ourselves to anger/rage. It feels good at the time. And we all know how it feels afterward: mostly shaming, regretful, left cleaning up the consequences.

I've been thinking about this for some time now. I've noticed my relationships have only suffered, never repaired to their former state, much more damage done than benefit found.

I'm not sure what I want any of you to do with this. I'm just noticing the evolution in myself. I'm gonna continue to notice and will report anything I find that works for me...as always.

I can recommend just about EVERYTHING that Albert Ellis wrote. He wrote a lot..so that should keep you busy. He's got several books on anger and how to unplug from it.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Approval Seeking: One Way We Create Stress and Anxiety

Many people struggle with the "Disease to Please," and this blog entry by Adam Pearson is very helpful in sharing why we do it, what is behind it and how to stop it.

Here's a taste:

If we don’t feel worthy by default, then we need to lovingly cultivate the belief that we are worthy. We need to treat ourselves with the same respect that we offer to others. We need to recognize that we, like everybody else, deserve to be loved and to belong. We need to realize that we have value within us that does not need to be externally validated, that we are enough, and that we can find our value in ourselves. And we need to see our own worthiness so clearly that we no longer need to go hustle others for approval because we already approve of ourselves. We no longer need others to validate us because we already validate ourselves. If you’re in the midst of shame, this may sound like a distant reality from what you are experiencing, but as a recovering approval seeker, let me tell you that it is achievable. You’re not alone. You can do this.

He shares the antidotes to approval seeking as well: Shame-Resilience, Compassionate Self-Talk, and Cultivating Worthiness. Check it out. This may be just the thing to lower the stress levels and anxiety that comparison and people-pleasing can generate.

Silencing The Praise

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Emotional Stress, Trust and Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).




Why 5-7 Relationships?


Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.


So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?


This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.


-Employee
-Parent
-Friend
-Self (which includes spiritual practice and physical maintenance as well)
-Daughter/Family of Origin
-Significant Other
-Small Business Owner



Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.



Under "employee" for instance, I have:


*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services


The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:


*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?
*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?


It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).


You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Dynamic Duo: Anger and Stress

Anger is perhaps the one and only reason you are reading this blog, seeking answers to your work stress. Anger is so damaging and so hard to contain that when it occurs it can feel like an entity or a current from out of nowhere. After it subsides, we often are left scratching our heads asking ourselves, "What was THAT about?"


Well, to begin to answer the question of "What was THAT?" I have done years of work on my own anger. I come from a long line of angry people. And it scared me to be raised in that environment, but that didn't keep me from displaying anger as an adult. In fact, I could really see the USE of anger sometimes. I mean, you WILL get some attention in a customer service situation, correct?

But in time, it became too damaging to my own self-image and my relationships in general. I could no longer reconcile my anger and my values. After years of research and training---in reality crafting an entire career in pursuit of the answer to, "How can I control my anger?"---I have found my answer (and share it in the hope that it will be your answer too).


This answer may or may not work for you. But if you give this answer a chance, I believe you will find what I have found:

It really isn't YOU that is angry.


The biggest problem with anger is the self-judgment and judgment from others after an explosion of anger takes place. We judge ourselves in hopes that this will keep it from happening again. And I say "It" quite intentionally.


Anger can feel like something bigger and stronger than us. It feels out of our control. It comes in no matter what types of resolutions and commitments to change we have made, and does what it has always done, much to our dismay.


So what do we do?


The Pain Body

Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" doesn't so much speak of anger when he describes something he calls "The Pain Body." Eckhart's work describes an accumulation of pain and hurt and negative emotion---accumulated over many years but never consciously integrated into our bodies---that eventually starts to feel (and act) like an independent entity out of your control.


The Pain Body is usually in play when a repeated reaction to people and problems is well-out of proportion to the situation. It seems to literally take over your mind and body making you say and do things that you know you will regret, but you just can't seem to help yourself. Tolle states that when this dissociative anger is seen through the perception of "It's my pain body" that it starts to dissolve on its own. Anger still happens, but it happens less and less, until ultimately you are responding in the present and no longer reacting to old scripts and patterns.


So what are the details of the Pain Body, and what exactly do we do to stop it? I could continue here with my own interpretation, but the source of this discovery is much better at it than I am. Eckhart and Oprah discuss the pain body in the webcast of his book "The New Earth" in Chapter Five/Webcast Five. I find selecting the closed caption to be very helpful to follow the conversation, by the way. Here is the link:



Watch PAIN BODY Discussion.

If you don't have the time for this webcast, there is a very short video (6:22), that also does the job nicely (Eckhart's voice is the narrator):










Ultimately, you will start to put your conscious attention on the Pain Body---not "your" anger, but this pained entity---and it will happen less and less (not right away, but soon enough after your conscious attention is placed there repeatedly). Hey, if this sounds silly or too far-out, fine. But at least try it. If it doesn't work, you are only right back where you started from: angry.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Three Tea Cups (video)

The "Tea Cups" are my signature way of explaining boundaries in relationships and how to know when we are inappropriately in someone else's business. I use this metaphor when discussing difficult situations involving key relationships in our lives, as this is our #1 area for stress.






Please see more videos, articles, interviews, discussion boards and more on my site (Work-Stress-Solutions.Com).

The "Gotcha!" Style

Are you a "gotcha" type of person? The "gotcha" personality is that type of person who says nothing (or almost nothing) when things are going well--even perfectly--but swoops in like a seagull, and POW! GOTCHA! when something isn't right. This type doesn't offer much in the way of recognition for a job well done. In fact, these people often feel that a job well done is the status quo. Why waste time being a softy and acknowledging it?

While being good problem-solvers, gotcha types get stuck in this mode and spend most of their time scanning the horizon for what's not working, pointing it out, and then retreating. To spouses, parents, or coworkers, this type of style does a significant amount of damage. Since almost all interaction with a gotcha type is based on negativity, judgment, and correction, people in a gotcha person's life are likely to protect themselves. This might look like:

-Lying
-Getting defensive
-Avoidance
-Doing just enough to not get yelled at
-Reciprocating with gotcha behaviors

Instead, the idea is to point out what is going well. Point it out often. The more we focus on what's working, the more we'll see these behaviors repeated. Then if correction is needed in the future, we can point out the positives, add the correction, and move on quickly. Important relationships flourish, and past resentments will start to die.


I've added a Daily Message to my website. Bookmark it for daily entries like this one.

9 Destructive Reasons We Cling to Clutter

In my mind, there is no separation between home and work...the entire person is affected by one or the other and carries this effect into the other arena.

And so it is with clutter. A cluttered mind creates clutter in the environment; and clutter in the environment creates a cluttered mind. Which comes first? It truly doesn't matter. Handle the clutter and the rest will naturally follow.

Not sure how? Here's an article by Christine Kane that will help:



"Perfection is not when there is no more to add, but no more to take away."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


A retired man once told me he loved going camping with his wife because camping showed her how simple life can be "without all that bloomin' stuff she keeps everywhere!"

He's right!

Our lives are meant to be simple. Our intuition and creativity thrive when given freedom and space. Clutter is a disease. Each moment we ignore the reasons we hold on to things we don't want, those things rob us of energy, health, and clarity. Yes, clutter is destructive!

If you're a clutter-clinger, be kind to yourself. Begin with an awareness of your thoughts and excuses. For starters, read over this list to see if you can find YOUR excuse!

Clutter Excuse #1: "I'd be a mean horrible person if I..."

Guilt is heavy gooey energy that convinces us we're bad people if we let go of heirlooms, knick-knacks, unwanted clothing or gifts.

These items clutter up our lives and keep us in a comfortable - but draining - place. And conveniently, we never have to decide what we actually do want in our environment. We become environmental victims. Often, that spreads into other parts of our lives too!

Clutter Excuse #2 - "I spent so much on it!"

Do you punish yourself for having made a bad choice by keeping the item around? Or convince yourself that you're going to get your money's worth - even if it drains the heck out of you?

You won't. And it will.

We've all done stupid things. And we've all had to let them go. Now it's your turn.

Clutter Excuse #3 - "I might need this someday."

I often wonder how many idle telephone cords exist in the world. Way in the back of old desk drawers. Stuffed on closet shelves. They can't be gotten rid of.

Why?

Because we might need them some day.

Evidently, some day - in spite of technological progress - you're going to need that particular grey phone cord that came in the box with a phone you bought in 1989.

Throw it out. Now.

Same thing goes for: The broken fax machine, switch plates from your first house, and every glass flower vase that came with deliveries.

Clutter Excuse #4 - "I might do this someday."

I know. I know.

Someday you'll take those broken pieces of china you've collected and create a beautiful mosaic birdbath. And you'll go through those stacks of magazines and make that collage for your sister's 30th birthday party. (She's 51 now.)

Now - I don't mean to deny you your plans and dreams. However, I urge you to consider experiencing the infinite relief that appears when you let old project ideas go.

Call your sister and tell her the collage ain't gonna happen. Buy a mosaic birdbath from an artist who makes her living from creating such treasures.

And then, make space for what you want to do. Don't fill your space with what you should do.

Clutter Excuse #5 - "I gotta look good to my guests."

CD's. Books. DVD's. Are these items treasured? Or are they simply a prop so your guests will be impressed by your intelligence and diverse tastes?

Remember this: we are motivated by two things: Fear or Love. Which of these keeps you clinging to items because of appearances?

Clutter Excuse #6 - "I Don't Know Where It Goes."

When items don't have a home, it's harder to determine whether or not they are clutter. Some things may seem like clutter - like the cute card that your daughter made that floats around from drawer to drawer - but they're not clutter.

They're homeless.

Once you start defining spaces for items, then it's easier to see when something doesn't fit anywhere and should just get tossed.

Clutter Excuse #7 - "My thoughts don't have any power. Do they?"

Everything has energy. The thoughts you have about the things in your home CREATE energy. If you are surrounded by stuff you keep out of guilt, then your environment holds guilt. If you hang on to stuff given to you by your ex, and you still feel bitter - then there is bitterness in your home.

Get it?

It's either fueling you or draining you. If anything triggers you, then that is your barometer. Let it go.

Clutter Excuse #8 - "But I never wore it!"

See Clutter Excuse #2.

Clutter Excuse #9 - "There's too much stuff!"

Overwhelm can stop us in our tracks. If this article makes you aware that there are lots of items in your life you don't like, then go slow. Schedule small chunks of time each day. It takes time to be clutter-free! But the newfound clarity and lightness are worth it!


Christine Kane is the Mentor to Women Who are Changing the World. She helps women uplevel their lives, their businesses and their success. Her weekly LiveCreative eZine goes out to over 12,000 subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can sign up for a F.R.E.E. subscription at http://christinekane.com.

For more articles on work stress, click here.

The Cigarette Break: Why Taking One is Excellent Stress Management

The title certainly got you “clicking through” to see what I meant, didn’t it?

But I am sincere in this advice. I DO think a cigarette break is a good way to relieve stress. Especially at work. I can almost hear the non-smokers cursing and the smokers cheering in the background. So let me break this down a little and be clear and specific about what I mean.


First, let’s breakdown, in detail, what a cigarette break entails:

1. You physically remove yourself from your work station and go outside.

A perfect stress management technique. Leave the artificial lighting and air; the electronic screens emitting radiation and the ringing phones, and get into nature (even if that’s mostly concrete). Just removing ourselves from this strange, but accepted, environ is immeasurably helpful to the psyche.


2. You bring a smoke-buddy to join you.


This isn’t always the case with the smoke break, but more often than not, we have one person who joins us during this activity. While we are heading down the elevators, and then standing outside for about seven (7) minutes (the time it takes to smoke an average cigarette), we are likely venting all the way. “He’s driving me crazy!” or “I can’t take another email!” Often enough, our smoke-buddy either makes us feel better by agreeing or gives us some sound advice. Sounds like free therapy to me.


Added Bonus: These smoke-friends are usually keeping our smoke-confessions to themselves too. Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep asking them to join us. And FRIENDS are one of the best de-stressors there is. In fact, someone with a best friend at work is reported to be nine times happier with their job than someone with no friendships in the workplace.


3. Take several deep breaths in and out.


Well, aside from the noxious, and possibly carcinogenic, fumes this IS a tried-and-true stress management technique.


4. Repeat about three times a day.


So we are talking about 21 minutes in a given workday --with most smokers heading outside to manage their stress a total of three times. Non-smokers carry on about all the time spent away from their workstation.

But they are just jealous, because the smokers come back relaxed and talked-out and the non-smokers (usually EX-smokers who wish they still smoked, but are in denial) rant and rave, and increase their stress, by saying: “We don’t get to take a break because we don’t smoke. Not fair!!”


But this is where the smokers and non-smokers will finally come together in this article. Why aren’t the non-smokers doing this? The non-smoking population has every legal right to walk away from their workstation and fortify themselves with the following:


See 1-4 above and remove cigarette from instructions.


Smokers aren’t crazy, after all. Just kinda stinky.

Read more Work Stress Articles here.

Videos to Change Your Thinking (and, therefore, your life)

I didn't become a writer, trainer and coach in a vacuum. The things I know and share with others were provided for me through many different avenues. Two important teachers in my life are easily accessed online and are absolutely free. So, as always, I share what makes my life work with you....


UnAsleep is one to watch. She has shifted my thinking so deeply, I hardly recognize my Old Self. And if you aren't familiar with TED, you are missing out on a RICH resource of powerful people sharing multiple resources of life-changing information.


I have provided two videos from UnAsleep and TED here, that I feel will benefit most of my readers. Please let me/us know what you think of these in the comments section.

The Option Method (How to Change Your Mind)

To get in touch with our stress and the thoughts that create this stress, we must begin by removing the layers of beliefs from which the stress originates. This is an easy and painless process when we use the Option Method* questions.


The first question:
“What am I unhappy/stressed about?”

Personalize this question. Substitute the words unhappy or stressed in this question for ones that best expresses the bad feeling you have that you would like to change.

For instance, you may be feeling worried about something. If so, you would ask yourself, “What am I worried about?” Clarify your answer. Narrow it down. If, for example, your initial answer to the first question is something like, “I’m stressed about my job,” that is a very broad answer. You need to narrow it down and be as specific as possible.

The closer you get to the core of your feelings, the closer you come to you shifting your thinking about the situation. The second Option question will help you to do that.


The second question:
“What is it about that, that makes me unhappy/stressed?”

Using the previous example of “worrying about my job”, you would now ask yourself, “What is it about my job that I am worried?” Be as specific as possible. There are other ways of asking this question, such as, “What about my job worries (bothers, frightens, angers, saddens) me the most?” Your answer may be something like “I know that I don’t take care of myself enough. I worry too much I’m going to become sick if keep this up.”

Another way to ask this question might be, “If that were to happen, what would I be most afraid of?” or “If that were to happen, what would be the worst thing about it?” In other words, “If I were to lose my job, what would be the worst thing about that?”

Remember the answers to these questions are as diverse as we are. The purpose of the questions is to help you get in touch with your reasons. This brings us to the next Option question.


The third question:
“Why am I unhappy/stressed about that?”

You ask yourself this question when you are satisfied that you have clearly identified, to the best of your ability, what it is specifically that is bothering you the most at this time.

It is a simple question, but let’s make sure you understand it. “Why” means “for what reason.” This is one of the most important questions you may ever ask yourself. This question prompts you to recognize that you have your own very personal reason for feeling the way you feel.

Often we get so caught up in our emotions that we have completely forgotten we are not actually feeling this way against our will. This wonderful, simple question gives you a renewed opportunity to begin your own self-awareness about the thoughts you continue to have habitually throughout the day.

To apply this question to our example you would ask, “Why am I worried about losing my job?” In other words, “What is my reason for worrying about becoming unemployed?” or “What would I be afraid of or what would it mean to me if I were out of work?” At some point you will find yourself feeling as if you don’t know why, that you just always have been unhappy/stressed about it, or it would seem natural to be unhappy under such circumstances.

Perhaps you are not aware of any reason. You may feel somewhat dumb struck or stuck. This is a natural phenomenon that takes place as we become more aware of our thoughts and not just accept these thoughts as fact. At this time we are on the threshold of self mastery/mastery of our thoughts. When this happens, it is time to move on to the fourth question.

The fourth question:
“What am I afraid it would mean if I were not unhappy about that?”

Another way of asking this question is, “What am I afraid would happen if I were not unhappy/stressed about that?” This is an extraordinary question, one you may very well have never heard before. Repeat it a few times.

You may at first simply feel that this a ridiculous question and that’s natural, but let this question into your mind and soak it in for a minute. Your initial response may be something like, “Well, it wouldn’t mean anything, I’d just be happy.” If so, you’re not really asking yourself the question. Ask again. You see, since nothing has been actually forcing you to feel the way you don’t like to feel, then up until now you must have had a reason for feeling this way.

Until now, you have not exposed or questioned your reasons. You have assumed someone else’s belief, affirmed it and re-created it as your own. When? It does not matter. What truly matters now is that through this question you decide on your own what is true for you and what is not.

Once again, embrace the question: “What am I afraid it would mean if I were not unhappy/stressed about that?”

After you have written down or spoken aloud your answer you will be ready for the final Option question. Take your time. Be satisfied with your answer. If you’re feeling a bit confused or uncertain, go back to the first question. It’s impossible to get lost on your own path or to do this incorrectly. Use the questions as a tool, a flashlight, to light the pathway back to your personal truth.


Be patient with yourself. You have spent a lifetime establishing and developing beliefs that you have never questioned in this way before. The Option questions, though seemingly simple, are new and foreign to you. Don’t rush it.

You may answer this question with something like, “It would mean I didn’t care,” or “It would mean I was crazy.” Or to use our example, you may answer, “If I wasn’t worried about losing my job I’m afraid that I wouldn’t do anything to ensure I keep my boss happy or improve the situation.” This answer shows how you are preferring and choosing to be worried because if you weren’t it would mean you wouldn’t take care of yourself. These kinds of beliefs are at the core of all unhappiness.

See the Final Option Method Question.

Emotional Stress and Your Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).

Why 5-7 Relationships?

Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.

So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?

This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.

Employee
Parent
Friend
Self (which includes the Spiritual)
Daughter/Family of Origin
Significant Other
Small Business Owner

Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.

Under "employee" for instance, I have:

*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services

The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:

*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?

*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?

It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).

You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.

Go to Mental Stress
Go to Spiritual Stress
Go to Physical Stress

Are You in Your Own Way?

Researchers tell us that only about 10% of our beliefs are in our conscious awareness. Want to know what you believe? Look at your current life. Are you wealthy? Are you healthy? Are you happy? If not, you have likely just stumbled on the hidden 90% of your belief system.

No one consciously believes they shouldn't have it all. But the evidence speaks for itself. Part of us also knows on some level that we think we should be penalized for:

• past mistakes
• not working hard enough
• why us instead of them?

Get out of your own way. These conflicting beliefs are holding you (and me and her) back. Reconcile these attitudes with subconscious suggestion. Yes---self-hypnosis.

Read over 500 ways you may be tripping yourself up....

Spiritual Stress

What is "Spirituality" and Why Would It Cause Stress?


What does it mean to have spiritual stress? How do we meet our spiritual needs?

How do you know if you are spiritual?

I live in the southeast region of the United States. For the most part, this area is very Protestant Christian. Very. And many of my co-citizens follow a strict path of Christianity. But, I would offer, it is not always a spiritual experience for them.

Religion and spirituality CAN be found together. The litmus test is whether you find yourself with an emotional (or metaphorical) lump in your throat. 'Are you moved?' is the question on the table.

If you find comfort in your religious tradition, are following this religion because your parents did, believe it is the right thing to do because you have children...well...you are not meeting this fourth human need. You are meeting something important, but it is not spirituality...probably.

I will not provide links here, or suggest sites for you to explore my own spiritual path. That is your business. But I will caution you about misunderstanding this need and believing you are filling it, every Sunday at 11am, and still finding yourself stressed and unfulfilled.

It isn't a judgment, it is about what will work and what will not. Surely anyone's god would want you to follow the laws of the Universe that it/he/she created?

But maybe of tantamount importance to me, and my work, is that you understand that your relationship with yourself is found here, in this spiritual pursuit. You and Your God are found in the same space. How close you are with yourself, how much you trust yourself, how you forgive yourself, how you fortify yourself...are all found in this fourth need.

So, a very private journey. And one that cannot be provided by a list of bullets or an article. My only instruction is that you recognize that dogma and discipline are NOT the tools to be used here, in this particular section. I would offer that this need can be met in church, but may also be met through inspirational reading, meditation, yoga, walks in nature and is as varied as we are. The only requirement is that you be:

Moved.
Changed instantly.
In awe.

These are the measures for meeting your spiritual needs.

See more on the "Four Human Needs"

The Only Stressful Thought

The Only Stressful Thought

“Happiness is a continuation of happenings which are not resisted.”
Deepak Chopra, author, inspirational speaker, physician

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

This is something we all say to ourselves at some point, on any given day, and probably several times every day. It could be the spilled drink, the traffic jam, or that just-noticed belly pooch. The inevitable emotion that is felt when we think the thought, “This shouldn’t be happening” is stress, anger, even depression.

Why do we resist what is? Why don’t we see clearly that traffic jams and someone’s political opinion are not in our control? Why do we move out of our own business and move into someone else’s? (“You shouldn’t have spilled that milk!”).

I ponder this question often these days. In my own quest for peace and happiness, I’ve come to realize that almost all of my pain and discomfort comes from just this one thought, though it sounds like many, many other reasons. And my purpose in writing this article to you, and for you, is really to answer the question for myself.

I know for me, I seem to believe I must feel intense irritation (and even self-loathing) to get truly motivated to change something. I judge myself, therefore, to get myself motivated to do the thing that will stop me from judging myself. Now, is that sane? Is that the way to self-acceptance and acceptance in general? At 46 years old, I will tell you this: it hasn’t worked yet. And I believe a much-wiser person than I, Albert Einstein, said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”

So if self-flagellation has not created self-discipline for me (and I know the same is true for those people in my life who have let me in to their inner world and to see them honestly), then why are we doing it? Why are we resisting ourselves, each other, and reality?

Control Freaks Apply Here!

The word that keeps wanting to be typed here is “control.” If I can control events then I will feel happy and at peace. Is that even true? What if I got exactly what I wanted, with the snap of a finger, an affirmation repeated over and over, or a ritual performed under the full moon? What if everything in my life was exactly as I wished it right now? Would that bring me happiness? Finally?

The only honest answer I can give is: “I don’t know.” Because I don’t, and you don’t. I have received what I wished for on occasion---in fact, often---and sometimes it made me happy. And sometimes, over time, it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. This “gift” of experience and time has allowed for one thing, and that’s humility (that came courtesy of a dash of humiliation). I don’t know what’s best for me, or for you, or for right now.

I have no control at all. Even as I type this, my chair could collapse, or my boss could come in, shut the door and tell me my job has been eliminated. My son could be hurt. My identity stolen. Many, many things could be happening that would make me less happy than I am right now. And, it’s worth mentioning, many things could happen that would make my situation right this minute, better.

But apparently, I’m not doing any of it. My actions, my thoughts, my feelings…I can’t say that they are really even a function of cause and effect. The only thing that works for me is this:

There is another way of looking at this.

And this is also reality...this is ALWAYS true. And it's always in your control.

And so whenever I’m disturbed or stressed, that is what I spend my energy ‘doing’ about it. I try to not judge, or complain, or pout (or more accurately, I STOP doing those things and switch gears). Instead, I choose to see another view, any view, that will make me feel some modicum of peace.

This SHOULD be happening, because it is. How’s that for another way of looking at things? Try it. The worst that can happen is that reality stays put. And as far as I can tell, that’s its plan anyway.

And who am I to get in the way? Who are you? Are we powerful enough to change reality?

Choose to see things differently--just for today. Turn the other cheek, if you will, and see things from a different, kinder, gentler perspective. The only thing you have to lose is your stress.

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Breaking the Habit of Being Right

Day Four.

A bit more proactive today. Keep a focus on not knowing. The thought is "I don't know for sure, either way." When you notice you have an opinion, wait to voice it. Ask questions about the other views. Keep your opinion to yourself until it is requested. Work to seek the BEST option vs. sharing your option.

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the ...habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)

Share with us your insights, progress and any setbacks in the COMMENTS ON THIS TOPIC box below. All are useful in the breaking down of a habit and the building of a new one. With everyone you communicate with, even your children, stay aware and open to the other's view. Don't keep putting your opinion so strongly into conversations. See if you can wait until you are asked for it. It may not be asked for at all, and this can be a very interesting discovery in and of itself.

See Work Stress Solutions for more good stuff.

Cultural Conditioning and Being Right

Day Three.

“Character comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.”
~Peter T. McIntyre

Well, we're not there yet, at only three days in, but we are starting to see how insidious this being right stuff is. One more day of noticing, but with a twist:

Today, realize that you were conditioned by your parents to be right (or you were punished) and your teachers (they even sent home an official little card to show how right or wrong you were), but when we get into adult relationships and careers, being right is the kiss of death when it comes to being someone you can TRUST. And TRUST, is the ultimate test of any quality relationship (love is a distant second---more about that later).

As you go about your day, CONTINUING to NOTICE how you label things as right or wrong, and get unhappy when you choose "wrong", also notice where you are saying to yourself, "He/she has to be right. Ha! I'm so much more evolved than that one. I know about this being right nonsense now." It's just you, still trying to be right and making another person wrong.

Just notice. And....try not to be right today!

P.M. Entry

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)


See Work Stress Solutions for LOTS more like this...

Being Wrong: Day Two of the 30-Day Challenge

Day Two. Right vs. Wrong Challenge. Today, I'd like to continue to increase your awareness (and mine) about how much time and energy we place on categorizing things as right or wrong. And how angry it makes us when we decide "wrong." Perhaps you can do this mentally, but I'm betting you will have a bigger light bulb moment if you keep manual track. A Post-It and a pen by your side today? Notice when you listen to the news, while commuting, in the office, at home, reading emails, reading Facebook...how often do you get an charge of some kind of DISCOMFORT because you labeled something WRONG. Never mind the charge that we get when we SAY it. For today, I want you to notice how prevalent it is in your thinking and how unhappy it makes YOU and no one else.

Afternoon Follow Up:

Remember to note the drivers' wrong-doings on your commute. Notice how often you correct your kids tonight vs. just letting them figure it out on their own "for their own good". With your loved ones, notice the way the direction of your small talk goes---do you go straight to the negative, the news, the dramas of your workplace? How 'bout comments in emails or Facebook. Do you feel the itch to straighten someone out? Do they need a good dose of YOUR opinion?? Write it down!

See more articles and posts like this one on Work Stress Solutions.Com.

Day One of 30-Day Challenge : Our Irresistible Need to Be Right

Day One of our "When Being Right is Wrong" Challenge.

Dr. Robert Bolten, of the bestselling "People Skills" said this about his twenty-five year research on conflict: "Over 95% of all conflict stems from our own irresistible need to be right."

Today, just NOTICE (it's only Day One!) where you need to be right. Notice how you can't STAND to be thought wrong. Notice how you mentally yell at yourself for a mistake. Just NOTICE today (and share any insights with us, please!)

AFTERNOON FOLLOW-UP:

At 5pm on Day One of the "Don't Be Right" challenge, check in with yourself. How did you do? Did you catch yourself struggling with inserting your opinion, being irritated with someone who didn't share your view? Did you notice how often other people (unknowingly) make you wrong in an effort to make themselves right? Share with all of us... what you did that was successful and what you learned when you weren't.

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When Being Right is Wrong...

When Being Right is Wrong...

In my private practice and in my public workshops, I have discovered one thing: Everyone's problem is coming from just one thought...

This thing/guy/situation is WRONG and I am right.

And because this just can't be true for everyone, or anyone, many of us on Facebook took on a 30-Day Challenge to NOT be right. Yep. To be wrong.

Or at least to see that being right is never the highest prize. That building trust is where we find satisfaction in our key relationships. And forcing our rightness, our opinion, our judgment on another is never a trust-builder. Apologizing, admitting mistakes, correcting our errors are always the way to go (and means we were wrong, by the way).

Follow our attempt to change our habit (28 days) and add two more days for good measure, and work on doing the right thing, by not being right.

See Work Stress Solutions for all 30 days...

#37 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

To Err is Human

By being willing to demonstrate through your words and actions that talking about, and learning from, mistakes is a necessary part of long-term career success, you allow others to share their experiences, too. It takes STRENGTH to admit that you are not perfect. It takes KINDNESS to share your humanness with another who is in dire need of direction during a painful time. And finally, it takes KNOWLEDGE to provide the information the coworker needs to repair or improve when she has "made a wrong turn."

Show others that it is okay to be human, make mistakes, and learn from them. Pretending to be perfect never taught anyone anything, except to be closed off from others and hide who they really are. I doubt we will find the latter behavior under the heading "great leadership."

Look for ways to help others who are struggling today. When someone comes to you with a problem, share your own similar experience and how you overcame it. Use your painful memories as a way to help someone out of a situation that is causing them pain today.

Download FREE my latest ebook, "101 Ways to Deal with a Pain in the Butt at Work: Yeah, I Said It."

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