Emotional Stress, Trust and Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).




Why 5-7 Relationships?


Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.


So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?


This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.


-Employee
-Parent
-Friend
-Self (which includes spiritual practice and physical maintenance as well)
-Daughter/Family of Origin
-Significant Other
-Small Business Owner



Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.



Under "employee" for instance, I have:


*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services


The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:


*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?
*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?


It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).


You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The "Gotcha!" Style

Are you a "gotcha" type of person? The "gotcha" personality is that type of person who says nothing (or almost nothing) when things are going well--even perfectly--but swoops in like a seagull, and POW! GOTCHA! when something isn't right. This type doesn't offer much in the way of recognition for a job well done. In fact, these people often feel that a job well done is the status quo. Why waste time being a softy and acknowledging it?

While being good problem-solvers, gotcha types get stuck in this mode and spend most of their time scanning the horizon for what's not working, pointing it out, and then retreating. To spouses, parents, or coworkers, this type of style does a significant amount of damage. Since almost all interaction with a gotcha type is based on negativity, judgment, and correction, people in a gotcha person's life are likely to protect themselves. This might look like:

-Lying
-Getting defensive
-Avoidance
-Doing just enough to not get yelled at
-Reciprocating with gotcha behaviors

Instead, the idea is to point out what is going well. Point it out often. The more we focus on what's working, the more we'll see these behaviors repeated. Then if correction is needed in the future, we can point out the positives, add the correction, and move on quickly. Important relationships flourish, and past resentments will start to die.


I've added a Daily Message to my website. Bookmark it for daily entries like this one.

Emotional Stress and Your Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).

Why 5-7 Relationships?

Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.

So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?

This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.

Employee
Parent
Friend
Self (which includes the Spiritual)
Daughter/Family of Origin
Significant Other
Small Business Owner

Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.

Under "employee" for instance, I have:

*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services

The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:

*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?

*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?

It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).

You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.

Go to Mental Stress
Go to Spiritual Stress
Go to Physical Stress

Cultural Conditioning and Being Right

Day Three.

“Character comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.”
~Peter T. McIntyre

Well, we're not there yet, at only three days in, but we are starting to see how insidious this being right stuff is. One more day of noticing, but with a twist:

Today, realize that you were conditioned by your parents to be right (or you were punished) and your teachers (they even sent home an official little card to show how right or wrong you were), but when we get into adult relationships and careers, being right is the kiss of death when it comes to being someone you can TRUST. And TRUST, is the ultimate test of any quality relationship (love is a distant second---more about that later).

As you go about your day, CONTINUING to NOTICE how you label things as right or wrong, and get unhappy when you choose "wrong", also notice where you are saying to yourself, "He/she has to be right. Ha! I'm so much more evolved than that one. I know about this being right nonsense now." It's just you, still trying to be right and making another person wrong.

Just notice. And....try not to be right today!

P.M. Entry

Don't be hard on yourself if you are still working from your old habit of showing someone that you are right, when you feel they are wrong. There are very few examples of the alternatives. The next few days will focus on your options. For now, realize that NOTICING the old habit is a VITAL COMPONENT to changing the habit. If you've notice you were trying to be right, then you are doing this right. :)


See Work Stress Solutions for LOTS more like this...

#34 of The 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride and Prejudice Purified

Keep this idea in mind for the rest of the day:

Each time you interact with someone, mentally frame the interaction with the assumption that you don't have all the information about this person or this circumstance. Ask questions. Listen. When you find yourself drawing conclusions, search for proof of the opposite (called "contrary evidence.").

For instance, if you are drawing the conclusion that this person is not a team player, ask them for an example of when they showed exceptional teamwork.

Another example: Is there someone you just can't stand in your department? Look for those things you like, admire, have in common. Try to find any common ground.

All you have to lose is your bias!

Can you imagine having this little "pocketbook" on your desk...and you just crack it open and read something like this when you're have a bad day? Go to Amazon and get the real deal.

And if WORK STRESS is your concern, then head out to my website for (free!) solutions.


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