Anger: What Is It Good For?

Answer: Absolutely nothing.

Maybe. I'm obviously paraphrasing Bruce here...but let me fill you in on my reasoning.

In my work, I've followed the research on anger most of all. Anger is the thing everyone signs up for my classes to avoid or remedy. It's the main theme for ALL of the interpersonal skill programs. How to avoid this result. The damage it does.

At first, the literature said: Let it all hang out; don't hold back. It's bad for you, it's not healthy. So, we all did. And that got a result...one most of us did not appreciate. One that did damage, esp. in the workplace. Lately, the research says the opposite: To indulge your anger, creates adrenaline neuropathways, that BEG to be fed, once laid down. And then we create situations to allow ourselves to anger/rage. It feels good at the time. And we all know how it feels afterward: mostly shaming, regretful, left cleaning up the consequences.

I've been thinking about this for some time now. I've noticed my relationships have only suffered, never repaired to their former state, much more damage done than benefit found.

I'm not sure what I want any of you to do with this. I'm just noticing the evolution in myself. I'm gonna continue to notice and will report anything I find that works for me...as always.

I can recommend just about EVERYTHING that Albert Ellis wrote. He wrote a lot..so that should keep you busy. He's got several books on anger and how to unplug from it.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Approval Seeking: One Way We Create Stress and Anxiety

Many people struggle with the "Disease to Please," and this blog entry by Adam Pearson is very helpful in sharing why we do it, what is behind it and how to stop it.

Here's a taste:

If we don’t feel worthy by default, then we need to lovingly cultivate the belief that we are worthy. We need to treat ourselves with the same respect that we offer to others. We need to recognize that we, like everybody else, deserve to be loved and to belong. We need to realize that we have value within us that does not need to be externally validated, that we are enough, and that we can find our value in ourselves. And we need to see our own worthiness so clearly that we no longer need to go hustle others for approval because we already approve of ourselves. We no longer need others to validate us because we already validate ourselves. If you’re in the midst of shame, this may sound like a distant reality from what you are experiencing, but as a recovering approval seeker, let me tell you that it is achievable. You’re not alone. You can do this.

He shares the antidotes to approval seeking as well: Shame-Resilience, Compassionate Self-Talk, and Cultivating Worthiness. Check it out. This may be just the thing to lower the stress levels and anxiety that comparison and people-pleasing can generate.

Silencing The Praise

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Work Stress Just May Make You Insane

This is why I think it's SO important that you not take a job for the money. You can learn to live modestly and I have found it to be a very satisfying way of life, actually. I've taken a major pay cut from private sector to work for my local government and I have found the simplicity of my lifestyle is much less stress producing as well.

Our society seems to have slowed down on this materialistic bent for a bigger house, a new car every three years and so on. Less is more sometimes and when it comes to work, it may just mean your mental health. Here's an excerpt and the link to read the entire article :

"For many of us, society has become increasingly alienating, isolating and insane, and earning a buck means more degrees, compliance, ass-kissing, shit-eating, and inauthenticity." Full Article "Why Life in America Can Drive You Insane"

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Nothing More Than Feelings

Emotions are not the enemy. The term "professionalism" has always been about not having, and therefore not showing, emotions (at least not the ones that we find unattractive). And our coworkers FEEL very strongly about this!

Instead of avoiding emotions, try leaning into them. I'm not saying express them---that was the flawed advice of the '70s pop psychologists (who were definitely on the right track). We've all regretted EXPRESSING an emotion in public. Expression and acceptance are not the same thing.

The only way to move through, and end, unwanted emotion is to sit and FEEL THE HECK out of it. Quietly. Alone. Until it's all over. Sound nuts? Try it. You'll see.

According to Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process, "Many of us do not even realize we are living almost exclusively in the mental plane and that our increasing confusion, frustration and sense of hopelessness arise directly from this misplaced reliance."

This obsession with your thoughts (in order to control emotion) ultimately creates boredom. That's because you won't feel the bad feelings and therefore you can't feel the good ones either. You (and I) can be just as resistant to the good feelings because, like anger or sadness, we fear we will lose control if we let in joy or awe without parameters. Being in control via your thoughts creates a nice, safe, consistent, predictable... BORED...person. You can take it. FEEL IT ALL right where you sit. Just let your boredom, worry, sadness, anger, joy, hope, relief...let it all happen in your body.

You can't THINK your way out of emotion. You have to FEEL it. Until it's felt, it will stick around. And let these feelings be okay. It's all just coming and going anyway.

You're only human.

"The only way out is through." ~Carl Jung

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Are So Selfish

An unfortunate side effect of living in a society is the confusion around being selfish vs. what is necessary self-care. For most of us, we are taught that they are one in the same. And if I had one wish, it would be for the word "selfish" be banned from everyone's vocabulary.


When we call someone selfish, we are ultimately asking someone to not care for themselves over caring for us. We are, in fact, being incredibly selfish in calling someone selfish.


To say someone is selfish is always a form of manipulation. In calling a person selfish, you hope they will stop doing what they wish to do and do what you want instead. Can you see how selfish that is??


Self-care is really lacking in our culture. We just don't know how to do it. We learn to take care of each other, but no one teaches us how to do it for ourselves. We may know how to handle basic hygiene (bathing, brushing our teeth, going to the doctor), but the really big issues, like handling intense feelings, financial stability, regulating our biological needs through inner-guidance....well...these are mostly foreign concepts. We turn to others, we turn OUTWARD, when these things need attention.

Wouldn't it make sense for me to become obsessed with my own self-care? Wouldn't I ultimately be so fortified and energized that when I do meet you, I can give my very best to you? And should you not need me, my best or otherwise, we can simply meet and take each other as whole and complete people. Without agendas. Without manipulation. Without needing anything from one another.


That's self-sufficiency. That's the ultimate in societal care. Selfish in the pursuit of self-care....is the kindest thing we can do for one another.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Three Tea Cups (video)

The "Tea Cups" are my signature way of explaining boundaries in relationships and how to know when we are inappropriately in someone else's business. I use this metaphor when discussing difficult situations involving key relationships in our lives, as this is our #1 area for stress.






Please see more videos, articles, interviews, discussion boards and more on my site (Work-Stress-Solutions.Com).

The Cigarette Break: Why Taking One is Excellent Stress Management

The title certainly got you “clicking through” to see what I meant, didn’t it?

But I am sincere in this advice. I DO think a cigarette break is a good way to relieve stress. Especially at work. I can almost hear the non-smokers cursing and the smokers cheering in the background. So let me break this down a little and be clear and specific about what I mean.


First, let’s breakdown, in detail, what a cigarette break entails:

1. You physically remove yourself from your work station and go outside.

A perfect stress management technique. Leave the artificial lighting and air; the electronic screens emitting radiation and the ringing phones, and get into nature (even if that’s mostly concrete). Just removing ourselves from this strange, but accepted, environ is immeasurably helpful to the psyche.


2. You bring a smoke-buddy to join you.


This isn’t always the case with the smoke break, but more often than not, we have one person who joins us during this activity. While we are heading down the elevators, and then standing outside for about seven (7) minutes (the time it takes to smoke an average cigarette), we are likely venting all the way. “He’s driving me crazy!” or “I can’t take another email!” Often enough, our smoke-buddy either makes us feel better by agreeing or gives us some sound advice. Sounds like free therapy to me.


Added Bonus: These smoke-friends are usually keeping our smoke-confessions to themselves too. Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep asking them to join us. And FRIENDS are one of the best de-stressors there is. In fact, someone with a best friend at work is reported to be nine times happier with their job than someone with no friendships in the workplace.


3. Take several deep breaths in and out.


Well, aside from the noxious, and possibly carcinogenic, fumes this IS a tried-and-true stress management technique.


4. Repeat about three times a day.


So we are talking about 21 minutes in a given workday --with most smokers heading outside to manage their stress a total of three times. Non-smokers carry on about all the time spent away from their workstation.

But they are just jealous, because the smokers come back relaxed and talked-out and the non-smokers (usually EX-smokers who wish they still smoked, but are in denial) rant and rave, and increase their stress, by saying: “We don’t get to take a break because we don’t smoke. Not fair!!”


But this is where the smokers and non-smokers will finally come together in this article. Why aren’t the non-smokers doing this? The non-smoking population has every legal right to walk away from their workstation and fortify themselves with the following:


See 1-4 above and remove cigarette from instructions.


Smokers aren’t crazy, after all. Just kinda stinky.

Read more Work Stress Articles here.

Are You in Your Own Way?

Researchers tell us that only about 10% of our beliefs are in our conscious awareness. Want to know what you believe? Look at your current life. Are you wealthy? Are you healthy? Are you happy? If not, you have likely just stumbled on the hidden 90% of your belief system.

No one consciously believes they shouldn't have it all. But the evidence speaks for itself. Part of us also knows on some level that we think we should be penalized for:

• past mistakes
• not working hard enough
• why us instead of them?

Get out of your own way. These conflicting beliefs are holding you (and me and her) back. Reconcile these attitudes with subconscious suggestion. Yes---self-hypnosis.

Read over 500 ways you may be tripping yourself up....

Spiritual Stress

What is "Spirituality" and Why Would It Cause Stress?


What does it mean to have spiritual stress? How do we meet our spiritual needs?

How do you know if you are spiritual?

I live in the southeast region of the United States. For the most part, this area is very Protestant Christian. Very. And many of my co-citizens follow a strict path of Christianity. But, I would offer, it is not always a spiritual experience for them.

Religion and spirituality CAN be found together. The litmus test is whether you find yourself with an emotional (or metaphorical) lump in your throat. 'Are you moved?' is the question on the table.

If you find comfort in your religious tradition, are following this religion because your parents did, believe it is the right thing to do because you have children...well...you are not meeting this fourth human need. You are meeting something important, but it is not spirituality...probably.

I will not provide links here, or suggest sites for you to explore my own spiritual path. That is your business. But I will caution you about misunderstanding this need and believing you are filling it, every Sunday at 11am, and still finding yourself stressed and unfulfilled.

It isn't a judgment, it is about what will work and what will not. Surely anyone's god would want you to follow the laws of the Universe that it/he/she created?

But maybe of tantamount importance to me, and my work, is that you understand that your relationship with yourself is found here, in this spiritual pursuit. You and Your God are found in the same space. How close you are with yourself, how much you trust yourself, how you forgive yourself, how you fortify yourself...are all found in this fourth need.

So, a very private journey. And one that cannot be provided by a list of bullets or an article. My only instruction is that you recognize that dogma and discipline are NOT the tools to be used here, in this particular section. I would offer that this need can be met in church, but may also be met through inspirational reading, meditation, yoga, walks in nature and is as varied as we are. The only requirement is that you be:

Moved.
Changed instantly.
In awe.

These are the measures for meeting your spiritual needs.

See more on the "Four Human Needs"

Training Ourselves to See Right from Wrong

Day Five. Today's focus is to notice what is RIGHT. Make a game of this or you may lose your focus and return to noticing what isn't right. Notice, count, seek out that which is already fine. Our training is to look for problems, to make things better, to find the bump in the landscape. Useful in some situations, but agony if turned to "ON" at all times. See that your coffee maker worked just now, your car turned on, you got to work on time, and so did he, and her, and that guy...all day today.

Got it?

See Work Stress Solutions for more stuff like this.

#37 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

To Err is Human

By being willing to demonstrate through your words and actions that talking about, and learning from, mistakes is a necessary part of long-term career success, you allow others to share their experiences, too. It takes STRENGTH to admit that you are not perfect. It takes KINDNESS to share your humanness with another who is in dire need of direction during a painful time. And finally, it takes KNOWLEDGE to provide the information the coworker needs to repair or improve when she has "made a wrong turn."

Show others that it is okay to be human, make mistakes, and learn from them. Pretending to be perfect never taught anyone anything, except to be closed off from others and hide who they really are. I doubt we will find the latter behavior under the heading "great leadership."

Look for ways to help others who are struggling today. When someone comes to you with a problem, share your own similar experience and how you overcame it. Use your painful memories as a way to help someone out of a situation that is causing them pain today.

Download FREE my latest ebook, "101 Ways to Deal with a Pain in the Butt at Work: Yeah, I Said It."

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#36 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Errors are Great Teachers

Appearing perfect, strong, and all-knowing doesn't serve your coworkers nearly as well as showing them then you, too, have made mistakes and have worked through them. In fact, I would suggest that withholding your "trials and tribulations" from others who are in need of counsel is very close to arrogance. You may get to feel superior momentarily, but in the end, you have not acted from a superior place. You have robbed someone of the information they need to learn, grow, and perhaps pass on the same wisdom when someone comes to them with a similar problem. Even in the worst case scenario, you will provide comfort to others by showing that you, too, have made mistakes and that they are not alone.

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#33 of 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride Keeps Prejudice Company

Another Coveyism that ties prejudice to pride: "When we argue, we are fighting for our weaknesses." It took me a long time to understand what this quote was saying. When we are not willing to be open to another point of view--when we are sure we are right--we are actually fighting to keep our limitations in place. If you find yourself right this minute thinking, 'I am not the person she is talking to in this [blog entry]," you are fighting to keep your prejudice.

When we become defensive after receiving feedback or argue with someone over our opinions on a matter, we are fighting to not have our minds changed. We are fighting to keep our current mindset in place. As you can probably figure out, this will ultimately make you obsolete. "Fight for your weaknesses and you get to keep them," is another way to look at it.

Today, I ask that you open up to this possibility. What does becoming aware of our biases look like? How do we know when we are "there"?

The answer? When we can see that everyone has both shortcomings and strengths. Everyone (including ourselves) makes mistakes and creates successes. Knowing that we all want to be able to pay our bills easily, enjoy leisure time, and create something meaningful at work---no matter our physical form or current circumstances--is the goal.

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#29 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Busy Bee, But No Time Free

"You can be busy---very busy--and still not be effective."
~Dr. Steven Covey, The Seven Habits

We have all had that day where we ran around the office jumping from phone calls to emails to knocks on the door, and ended the day saying, "What did I actually get done? I sure was busy, but I didn't finish anything."

Unfortunately, with faxes, emails, the Internet, and cell phones, we have created a world where information is immediate (and it better be). Instead of freeing us up to focus on our priorities, the priority has become, "Get the information to me and get it to me now." This makes for a fast-paced day, but not one that usually results in accomplishment and satisfaction.

The cure? Consider these two changes:

1. Sit at your desk each morning and list what you want to accomplish in these four areas only:

• Mental/Intellectual (work duties usually go here)
• Social/Emotional (relationships)
• Physical (workouts, doctor appointments, diet)
• Spiritual (not necessarily religious; something that gets you in touch with your introspective side---religion is one avenue)

If you create to-do lists around these four areas, you will have a sense of getting something done instead of "where did the day go?" syndrome. Try slowing down and being proactive by implementing the list you have created for the day.

2. Don't be compulsive about emails and the phone.

It's okay to let emails sit for a while and let phones go to voice mail. With the exception of the customer service role, most of us can let some time pass before answering an email or always picking up the phone. Many of us get compulsive about keeping our inbox free of emails and never missing a call. This can get so consuming that we allow ourselves to be distracted from what we are doing just for the sake of responding quickly. While this is an admirable trait, it is not the only trait worth developing. Try focusing on one thing, then turn your attention to the requests made by others.

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#23 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Let's Talk About Me

Now notice your "makes me" self-talk. "Makes me" is an example of language that is not self-responsible. It sends a message to yourself and the rest of us that you are NOT someone to be reckoned with. Examples include:

"Jane makes me so mad."
"Dogs make me nervous."
"He makes me uncomfortable."

Watch your language this week. It really does make a difference in productivity, credibility, and stress levels. Remember what English poet John Dryden said: "We first make our habits, then our habits make us." This is a powerful realization. Our thoughts are habits (sometimes called "scripts"), but they are habits we created.

That means we can break them, too.

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See my website for more articles on work and work stress. Work Stress Solutions.Com.

#16 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Affirmations vs. Positive Thinking

"Willpower creates nothing durable." ~Napoleon

In a nutshell, here's how affirmations work:

1. Your subconscious mind accepts all data without question. Images, words, feelings all register with the subconscious.

What this means is that if you are saying things to yourself like, "Attaboy!" then you're in good shape. If you find yourself saying things like, "You stupid jerk," then you're in for a tough ride. To test this, imagine standing on a hotel balcony--fifty stories up--and then (in your mind's eye) look down at the pool. Feel the zing in your toes? Thoughts have power!

2. Whether you currently believe what you are saying to yourself, the subconscious mind will process it as truth.

If you are trying to lose weight, simply state: "I am losing weight," or some other positive phrase. The subconscious mind deals primarily in imagery, though, so watch out for negative statements like, "I don't want to be fat." To verify this for yourself, say this phrase: "I will not eat that chocolate cake." What's the first thing that popped into your head? Yep. Chocolate cake. So if you are saying, "I don't want to be fat," the image that pops into your head is likely a fat version of you. That is the picture or image that registers with the subconscious mind, and you'll continue to perpetuate this outcome.

3. Affirmations are not the same thing as positive thinking.

Though there are some similarities, the technique for using affirmations is not the same as for positive thinking. Positive thinking asks that you see the positive in every situation, as much as possible. While this allows for the person to focus on the upside of a situation, it may be unrealistic for every scenario (like that stranger following you in the parking lot at 4 am). Instead, affirmations seek to create the outcome you would like, despite the current reality. For instance, if you find you have a chronic illness, or a troubled relationship with your boss, here are some examples of the difference between positive thinking and affirmations:

Positive Thinking (illness): This illness is allowing me to spend the time I needed all along to get myself back on track health-wise.
Affirmation (illness): I am getting healthier every day. I do things that bring me health.
Positive Thinking (relationship): This situation at work is at least teaching me that I can still be productive when someone doesn't like me.
Affirmation (relationship): I am doing things to improve the relationship with my boss. I am taking my share of responsibility for this situation and am making progress every time we meet.

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#10 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Stress and Simplicity, Part I

According to bestselling author Elaine St. James (Simplify Your Life), you can only have three priorities in life. If you work, that's one. If you have a family, that's two. What is your third thing? Working out? Church? Volunteering? You have to get rid of four, five, six (and so on) if you want to be truly excellent in this life. You can't do everything well.

Some of my own suggestions:

1. Get rid of clutter.

Visually it's a stressor. We seem to take a deep breath and lower our shoulders a notch when we can survey our work area and find it in order. Not to mention that most of us spend on average almost 30 minutes a day searching for something we've misplace in the clutter.

2. Stop being compulsive about email.

Set certain times during the day to check email. The inbox doesn't have to be empty before you can relax and focus.

3. Life is not a race---slow it down.

This will lower your stress levels and your error rate.

4. Learn to say "no."

Remember the "top three priorities" (St. James suggestion above) and only say "yes' to those.

More stress management tools are available (and free) on my website Work-Stress-Solutions.com.

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#1 Whatever You Are, Be a Good One

Jobs are more than just paychecks. They are social arenas, spiritual workshops, developmental playgrounds, group therapy, and one of the best tools for learning about ourselves. Anyone who has ever been fired from a job can tell you that this significant stressor was one of the best learning experiences of his life (albeit a painful one). Perhaps more importantly, when we are unhappy at work, we are unhappy at home, too. And when we love our work, we spread that feeling around when we aren't at work.

People can't separate the two most important facets of human existence: work and love. When one is suffering, the other suffers. You're at work eight hours a day (minimum). You are doing it for a paycheck, sure, but that won't keep you particularly productive or satisfied. What you need to keep you energized, stress-free, motivated, happy, and loyal is more than just your paycheck.

Then what is the key to staying motivated day after day?

If you aren't sure if your life work is to make other's lives at least easier, then you are going to hit a wall at some point. In short, to make your work meaningful, you must see it through the eyes of working for the benefit of others. Much like volunteer work, except in this case you get paid.

For instance, I hope that what I do in my training classes makes a difference by the time my participants leave. My private goal is to ensure that they feel equipped to head back to work with a better understanding of how people tick, what ticks people off, and how to get results from themselves and others. Then, when applying these new skills back at their workplaces, this new way is modeled for customers, citizens, and even their families through example. Pipe dream? Maybe.

But it sure keeps me from hitting the snooze button nine times every morning.

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