The Illusion of Guilt

It's always there. like a trail of breadcrumbs, the path to peace (and out of stress) is the same as the path away that got you out of peace (and stressed out).

It goes action > guilt > projection. So you just gotta turn it around and see the projection >past the guilt > find my action.

You're looking at your projection now, you just gotta clear the guilt which is hiding your own action, and see it again with your beautiful eyes of light which now know that you did nothing wrong and you could never make a mistake.

Sometimes it takes hours to find it, but it is always there. If I see a wrong has been done by another, always, I have done this wrong myself and am just holding the other guilty because I hold myself guilty.

Tip before you try this: The best way is to ask nicely and then close your eyes and sit quietly and wait for the memory to appear.

~Caity Johnstone

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Rudeness Is the Weak Person's Imitation of Strength

This particular wisdom hit me right between the eyes this morning. I am currently reflecting on all the times I was "strong" in my life, and am slowly realizing they may have all been nothing heroic in the least, but merely acts of rudeness. As I sit here typing, already needing to share this truth with my corner of the world, I am mentally going through a scrapbook of relationships and actions and decisions---that may have all been nothing more than insults.


It's nice to read an article where the author has actually mastered the skill they are sharing...but in today's post, that is not the case. I am writing this with the hope that my struggle with the fresh sting of realization (which is the force behind these words) will have the most impact for the reader.


As I struggle with this truth, rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength, I am uncomfortable, because that spotlight of truth is surely searching for me and I must avoid it for fear of recognizing myself in these powerful words. Therefore, I could take my discomfort and push it outward. This technique is definitely one I've employed in the past (blame someone else), but I know enough these days to see that's just a stalling technique. So I could declare that I've seen no profound examples of strength, only rudeness, and blame my elders and cultural leaders.


Or I could go inward and decide that I'm a tragically weak, mean, petty person with no hope for redemption and despair for a time, wallowing in my error of faux-strength and avoid others until I'm able to "come out and play well with others."


I could also reach back and locate the strong/rude times of my actions and acts and see, instead, that I knew on some level that I wasn't being strong. And the mere ability to so easily locate those memories, is proof enough that I was rude, unkind---even mean---to people that were a part of my life story. This sting I feel is a good sting, I want to go on the record with that.


As I sit in my discomfort caused by my identification with this truism, I can already feel the rising from the ashes that a lifetime of working on the value of being kind and honest hasn't been able to accomplish. I can look back and realize I was trying to be brave and to stand up for myself, both honorable goals, and missed the mark for lack of a better understanding of myself and others pain. In one sentence: I didn't know what I didn't know.


I can also project forward, sitting here alone at my keyboard, imagining my next interactions as I exit my home and enter the rude world, and see that I will respond differently. I will have more understanding and therefore tolerance (and dare I say compassion?) to impatient customers at my local grocery store, drivers who insist on cutting in before being waved through, people I pass on the sidewalk who won't look up and meet my eyes and smile.


We are all trying to appear, and to actually be, strong. We find instead in those dark nights of the soul, that we are often weak (or perhaps fragile is a better word). The only external evidence of a bridge to this gap has been a display of rudeness in the form of insults and judgment and anger. I see now the politicians, the radio hosts, my past supervisors, and even my estranged family, former lovers, lost friends...were all about appearing strong, when we were really feeling our weakest.


Maybe my efforts at learning and teaching human kindness all these years (commonly called "people skills" or "leadership development") has allowed me to view this epiphany with something much more profound then self-disgust. I am unable to find the self-blame. But what is more important to me, is that I can't find the blame of others either. That 'sore tooth' I always ran my mental tongue over, seems to be missing this morning. One phrase, "Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength," has set my emotional world on its ear.


I see now that I and the other people in my life, were trying to appear strong, or at least not vulnerable to hurt. The words we used to communicate this natural survival skill were steeped in unkindness because they were meant to create a safe distance. The rudeness was and is an attempt at self-protection, self-support, a misguided show of inner resolve and strength to be our own advocates. It was meant to be a vote for ourselves.


But if your life is anything like mine (and I know only one thing after years and years of working with people in conflict---everyone's life is filled with regret and pain and self-judgment, no matter how cleverly concealed to the outside world), you now see that your show of strength did not meet your true goal. That the reason we can locate these stories and memories so quickly, is because they still hurt, still feel wrong, still cause pain. Our rudeness, our unkindness to another human being, was not in alignment with our true intention.


Our true intention is the same at our core: we want to show another that we are indeed our own advocate. We are eternally-focused on ensuring no harm be done to ourselves. The struggle with this only happens because we are also sure---in our deepest selves---that this can be done without harming another in the process.


In the end, rudeness hurts. Manners and etiquette and active listening and all the rest of human-made communication are intended to ensure that kindness wins in the end. That to be my own advocate never means that I have to undermine your own self-advocacy. A difficult task, a tough balance, an impossible feat---or so I thought----until I saw that rudeness is your cue to me that you are feeling weak.


And with that secret code now broken, I can find my own inner strength and turn the interaction to one of human understanding.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Total Selfishness is Love

If you follow this blog regularly, you know how adamant I am about self-care and that this is never selfish....and that the only selfish person in the room is the one calling YOU selfish (test that out---it never fails to be true).

My favorite teacher (Benjamin Smythe) has a new video on anger, selfishness, boundaries and respect. He's always brutally, refreshingly, humorously on target.

Enjoy (PG-13 rating :)




See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Emotional Stress, Trust and Key Relationships

When we say "yes" to our key relationships, or roles, in our lives we may not see just how much time and effort these agreements will take until we are well into them. Too many and we create emotional stress. Too few relationships and we have too little support during crisis.

Much of the behavioral science available today suggests strongly that 5-7 key roles is the MOST anyone can handle and still be effective. More than seven, and you start to erode trust...whether you mean to or not. This is where emotional stress starts (and ends).




Why 5-7 Relationships?


Every relationship you have will end. Yes, end. Whether through natural growth by one or the other party, moving away, retirement, accepting a new position, divorce or death...your relationships will ALL end.


So, if you have less than five, you will find yourself with too many eggs in one basket at some point in your life. Your support system is too narrow, and will crumble (at least for a time) when one of your "eggs" is removed. More than seven? You can't possibly juggle this many roles and do them all well. One or more will take a hit. The optimal number of relationships/roles to ensure low emotional stress is, therefore, five to seven.

How Do I Decide Who Stays and Who Goes?


This determination may take time. But you must make some cuts if you have more than seven key roles in your life. Here's my example of my key relationships. This may help you see where you have said "yes" to too many roles (and why you are currently stressed):

NOTE: These ARE NOT in order of importance. They are presumed to ALL be important.


-Employee
-Parent
-Friend
-Self (which includes spiritual practice and physical maintenance as well)
-Daughter/Family of Origin
-Significant Other
-Small Business Owner



Looks like I'm finished. Notice these are roles or titles. There may be several PEOPLE attached to these roles.



Under "employee" for instance, I have:


*a boss
*a few departmental peers
*end-users (classroom participants) that receive my services


The questions to ask yourself, when determining WHO is in your key role-relationship is:


*Does my effectiveness increase when this relationship is in good shape?
*Does my effectiveness decrease when this relationship is neglected?


It does NOT matter if you LIKE this person. What matters is your effectiveness. Will your role be one of high quality, and integrity, if this relationship is in good repair? Or will it suffer if this relationship is struggling? TRUST is what you need to build here; not approval or friendship (though these are nice-to-have's and often come from ensuring trust is present).


You need people. And people need you. But TOO MANY obligations in this area is such a significant stressor, that you will HARM relationships when you take on too many. This isn't about character or getting organized. It's true for everyone. You must start saying 'no' to certain roles you play, to give the ones that matter the time and attention they need.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

I Love You?

Recently, I was in a lunch-time yoga class that was sponsored by my employer. Many of the students were people I know in a limited way, not as friends or confidants, but just acquaintances. At the end of the class, the instructor said, "As you go about your day, say "I love you" in your mind to everyone you see."

I mentally cringed. I thought, "Well, I get that...but will they? Will they tell the coordinator of this class that the instructor is a nut?"

Yes, I see the arrogance in my thinking. And yet, did you cringe when you saw the title to this entry? I know I cringed typing it. I know I am taking a risk to even publish this article. My fear? That you will believe me to be shallow and simple instead of a subject matter expert in workplace communications.

But here you are, well into this article waiting to see what I am going to say about the phrase, that most coveted of utterances, "I love you." And what I am going to say is: I agree. You should walk around all day, every day saying "I love you" in your head.

My own journey has taken me to a practice the Hawaiians have introduced to some seekers, called Ho'Oponopono (translates to "correct errors"). It's a practice in which we intentionally reprogram our inner self-talk to one that accepts full responsibility for what we are seeing and perceiving and interpreting about anything in our awareness.

There are many techniques to "clean" or "erase" this programming---programming we all have inherited. One way, the simplest way, is to say "I love you" as often as you remember to do so (there are actually FOUR PHRASES to repeat. See the last video on this page for a song that incorporates all four.)

I have hesitated to post this. I have said to myself that people will dismiss me. But today I asked, "Why would they? And if they do, what is that about?" Well, that's more cultural programming, isn't it?

Consider the following:

*Haven't you experienced situations or been conditioned from someone at some point to NOT say mentally something like "I love you"?

*Do I mean you should say "I love you" in your mind to the homeless guy you pass on your way into work?

*Are you holding the value (programming) that "I love you" must be shared sparingly---and only when you know the sentiment will be returned?

*Are you holding this thought (programming) back for only those who DESERVE it?

If your answer to those questions is "yes" is that the programming you want to continue to reinforce? Is it working for you? Are you feeling regulary happy, content, at peace?

Or do you judge everything from the homeless guy to the gum on the sidewalk to the burned-out street lamp as "not deserving"?

Surely, nothing BAD will come of training your self-talk to say, "I love you" over and over. Try it as you fall asleep tonight. Try it when you are bored in a grocery store line. Try it when you see yourself in the mirror. If it feels wrong, then don't do it anymore. But if it feels good....why would you stop?


If you'd like to learn a little more about the practice of Ho'Oponopono, I've provided some video links:



Free video series of actual workshop (one of three)

Quick info now:











See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Which Brain is the Right Brain?

Suggesting a book that certainly complements what we are attempting to do on this blog, on my website and in my books: to enhance the right brain functions over the left. Not sure what that means? Not sure which side you favor? Read on...

From Oprah's website:

The last few decades have belonged to a certain kind of person with a certain kind of mind—computer programmers who could crank code, lawyers who could craft contracts, MBAs who could crunch numbers. But the keys to the kingdom are changing hands. The future belongs to a very different kind of person with a very different kind of mind—creators and empathizers, pattern recognizers, and meaning makers. These people—artists, inventors, designers, storytellers, caregivers, consolers, big picture thinkers—will now reap society’s richest rewards and share its greatest joys.

This book describes a seismic—though as yet undetected—shift now under way in much of the advanced world. We are moving from an economy and a society built on the logical, linear, computerlike capabilities of the Information Age to an economy and a society built on the inventive, empathic, big-picture capabilities of what’s rising in its place, the Conceptual Age. A Whole New Mind is for anyone who wants to survive and thrive in this emerging world—people uneasy in their careers or dissatisfied with their lives, entrepreneurs and business leaders eager to stay ahead of the next wave, parents who want to equip their children for the future, and the legions of emotionally astute and creatively adroit people whose distinctive abilities the Information Age has often overlooked and undervalued.

In this book, you will learn the six essential aptitudes—what I call “the six senses”—on which professional success and personal satisfaction increasingly will depend. Design. Story. Symphony. Empathy. Play. Meaning. These are fundamentally human abilities that everyone can master—and helping you do that is my goal.

Read more on Oprah's site.


Free PDF for Business People.

Two questions from the PDF:

-How innate are the six abilities Pink discusses (Design, Story, Symphony, Empathy, Play and Meaning)? Which of them is your strongest? Weakest? Which is most
important for your current job?

-What role do play and humor have in your workplace? Could play or humor improve your service to clients? Do you agree with Pink that a sense of humor can make someone a better manager? Why or why not?


Pink's Website


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

No New Ways to Love Your Job

This blog is nothing more than my personal notes on how I get through a workday with grace and peace. Sometimes I write, other times I post a video that spoke to me; or refer you to yet another website or blog for an article or process. There is nothing new to share in the world. What is true has been said by many others before me. There are only a lot of different ways to say the same thing.

My world view is that if I have something pressing to say, there is someone out there who needs to hear it. That's why I find myself at the keyboard right this minute.

The poster below summarizes my current inner work much better than I can. Perhaps it is your current inner work as well? Projection, mirroring, shadow work...like that. Those ugly little triggers and hot buttons that really are at the heart of struggle and suffering and self-rejection. Maybe we could call them "pain points." That says it more accurately, if you ask me.

So this poster is my prescription for erasing my pain points:

Some suggestions for furthering this inner work: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Suffering Isn't Failure

Do you know Benjamin Smythe? He's simply videos. And they are amazing. If you resonate, you may also enjoy his active Facebook page.





See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

I Just Know I'm Meant to Be More Than THIS!

"I don't know what I want to do as a career, I just know I'm meant to be more than this!"

I hear this often when I counsel people around career choice. In fact, I am hard-pressed to think of more than five examples, both personally and professionally, where someone has declared that they have truly found their life work. And when asked HOW someone determines what they are to do with this burning desire---to contribute to the larger good---my answer is always the same:

You are doing it. Right here and right now.

This is, of course, a very disappointing answer. The need to find our life work is a common subject in magazines, blogs, TV talk shows and countless books ("What Color is My Parachute?" anyone?). This striving and checking and seeking and consulting----always with the same question in mind, "Is THIS it?" is really the only problem from where I'm sitting.

Do you find yourself wondering the following on a regular basis?:

-What can I do to make the world a better place?
-How can I share what I have learned in my life with others as a job?
-How can I find a job where I like everyone I work with and everything I am asked to do?
-What if I retire and realize I never really found my calling?

These questions stem from the wrong source, in my opinion. The very asking of these questions is the problem. We seem to be saying, "I want to give my best to a position...but with THESE people??? Doing THIS???" It's like we asked for our highest calling to be answered, and when we were given the circumstances to achieve it, we said, "But this isn't good enough for ME."

I am in the right job, I am following my passion, I am paid for my 'bliss', and here's what I know to be true based on my own career and after coaching hundreds of clients:

-You make the world a better place, by becoming a compassionate and kind resource in every interaction, or as often as you can, no matter who is in front of you.

-You share what you've learned in life by living it, by being an example, not by conducting a seminar or giving people unsolicited advice.

-You will never, ever find a job where you like everyone or everything you do. This holds true for everything...not just work!

-Your only calling is to leave someone better off than you found them. To use them as both your own mirror (when they rub you the wrong way); and to lead by example no matter who is watching.

You are in the right job. No mistakes. No wrong choices. There is no 'better things to come'. You are where you are supposed to be, because that's where you are. Your life work is to make life easier for others. Your life work is to do your own inner-work, to be as clear and receptive to others as humanly possible, and bring THAT into every interaction (whether you are on the clock or not). Your life work is getting up after reading this article, and walking over to the next cube, and saying something that will make that person's burden lighter.

Right now. Stop reading. Start walking over to that cube. Get to work.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Dynamic Duo: Anger and Stress

Anger is perhaps the one and only reason you are reading this blog, seeking answers to your work stress. Anger is so damaging and so hard to contain that when it occurs it can feel like an entity or a current from out of nowhere. After it subsides, we often are left scratching our heads asking ourselves, "What was THAT about?"


Well, to begin to answer the question of "What was THAT?" I have done years of work on my own anger. I come from a long line of angry people. And it scared me to be raised in that environment, but that didn't keep me from displaying anger as an adult. In fact, I could really see the USE of anger sometimes. I mean, you WILL get some attention in a customer service situation, correct?

But in time, it became too damaging to my own self-image and my relationships in general. I could no longer reconcile my anger and my values. After years of research and training---in reality crafting an entire career in pursuit of the answer to, "How can I control my anger?"---I have found my answer (and share it in the hope that it will be your answer too).


This answer may or may not work for you. But if you give this answer a chance, I believe you will find what I have found:

It really isn't YOU that is angry.


The biggest problem with anger is the self-judgment and judgment from others after an explosion of anger takes place. We judge ourselves in hopes that this will keep it from happening again. And I say "It" quite intentionally.


Anger can feel like something bigger and stronger than us. It feels out of our control. It comes in no matter what types of resolutions and commitments to change we have made, and does what it has always done, much to our dismay.


So what do we do?


The Pain Body

Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" doesn't so much speak of anger when he describes something he calls "The Pain Body." Eckhart's work describes an accumulation of pain and hurt and negative emotion---accumulated over many years but never consciously integrated into our bodies---that eventually starts to feel (and act) like an independent entity out of your control.


The Pain Body is usually in play when a repeated reaction to people and problems is well-out of proportion to the situation. It seems to literally take over your mind and body making you say and do things that you know you will regret, but you just can't seem to help yourself. Tolle states that when this dissociative anger is seen through the perception of "It's my pain body" that it starts to dissolve on its own. Anger still happens, but it happens less and less, until ultimately you are responding in the present and no longer reacting to old scripts and patterns.


So what are the details of the Pain Body, and what exactly do we do to stop it? I could continue here with my own interpretation, but the source of this discovery is much better at it than I am. Eckhart and Oprah discuss the pain body in the webcast of his book "The New Earth" in Chapter Five/Webcast Five. I find selecting the closed caption to be very helpful to follow the conversation, by the way. Here is the link:



Watch PAIN BODY Discussion.

If you don't have the time for this webcast, there is a very short video (6:22), that also does the job nicely (Eckhart's voice is the narrator):










Ultimately, you will start to put your conscious attention on the Pain Body---not "your" anger, but this pained entity---and it will happen less and less (not right away, but soon enough after your conscious attention is placed there repeatedly). Hey, if this sounds silly or too far-out, fine. But at least try it. If it doesn't work, you are only right back where you started from: angry.



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.