Suffering Isn't Failure

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Ahhh...Look at All the Ordinary People

Can I really come out of the closet on this? I'm known for making people's work lives better. Even great. But, I am no longer sure I want to be aligned with the "be the best you can be" crowd. Do you know the ones? I adore them as people, but their message exhausts me. I don't mean that meanly. It seriously, truly does. I am fatigued by all the hyperbole on the human experience---or more accurately---the perceived lack that sums up the human experience.

"Is this the year you will bust out?" and "Live your best life ever!" Then there's the fear factor message, "Are you living your dreams??" or "Are you living with intention and purpose?" Geez. Hold on. Let me catch my breath. I was just trying to catch up on Facebook. And now I feel like the biggest slacker known to mankind!

What if I tried all that and it didn't work? What if I tried all that and it did? Would my life really be BETTER? Or just more. More. Must...get...more!! But what if ordinary actually works? What if a life of 40-hour work weeks, followed or accompanied by a little child rearing, with a dash of some basic body care is enough? Have I lost it? I don't think so. I've never felt so light and free, actually.

I don't think my books, blogs and website (nor my coaching practice) urges you to push, sweat, focus and achieve. I started this particular career (author and internet motivator) around 1996. While I've always been in human resources, and worked with people who were unhappy or struggling, I have never sent the message of overachieve, reach even higher, get out there already!

People ARE out there. I'm out there. Every single day. And along the way, I see tired people. I see bewildered people. I see self-doubting people. People who believe they must make excuses for not walking across hot coals on the weekends. People who can't admit being satisfied with a plump body, a mid-range salary, and a little time to catch up on DVR tapings. That kind of life---is simply not good enough. Buy this book, or watch this video, or attend this seminar...and you will learn how to seek, find, solve, excel, procure a following, and go-go-go!!

Or. You can slow down. You can turn inward. You can look around and see that guy across the table. That pretty face in the mirror. Yes, her. You can find nothing more delightful than a bag of chips and a "What Not to Wear" episode. It will be okay. The world will not suffer. You are NOT selfish or a loser.

You are ordinary. And that, in today's world, strikes me as revolutionary.


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#40 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure: Neither Fatal nor Final

For some, writing or journaling produces nothing but a groan. If you are not the writing type, there are still some ways to effectively process a mistake, a misstep, or an outright failure.

Talk to someone.

Make sure you respect and trust this individual or it may make matters worse. A trust confidante with a good head on his shoulders is invaluable. What talking does is takes the monster out of your head, just like the journaling suggestion in the previous post. Some of us are visual and would prefer to write it out (and some of us may be more private than others). Others are more verbal and also benefit from a different perspective. Either way, you will get a better handle on the failure.

Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

Lather: Mourn the failure (as in, get in a lather).

Rinse: Cleanse yourself mentally and emotionally by getting the failure into a manageable size (see previous tip).

Repeat as needed: Or more accurately---DON'T repeat. Promise yourself you'll learn from this mistake and not do it again. Or really try to find what the reason for this failure may have been...what lesson did you learn?

When I feel like I have failed, I read a quote I have posted near me at all times: "This, too, shall pass." Trite? Take time to think about the words you have heard so many times before. The failure, the humiliation of the failure, will ultimately pass with time. You will not and cannot stay in this moment. Consider failure from the past: doesn't it seem less important now? Maybe even funny? At least it got you to where you are today. Can't deny that!

If all else fails (sorry), ask yourself, "In five years, will this really matter?" Works like a charm!

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." ~Winston Churchill

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#39 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure: Get out of Your Head and on Paper

Processing a negative emotion or dealing with something like a failure is easy to say (or write), but how exactly is it done? Are we supposed to scream into a pillow? Go to a therapist? Develop a thicker skin? I have found one technique in particular helps me deal with the hard times in life. I have used this technique off and on for many years. The more I do it, the more at ease I am. Try it and see if you don't find it a little easier to pick yourself back up the next time you fail.

Journal.

Journaling is a great way to get the "monster" out of your head and onto something more manageable---paper. Journaling is not the same as keeping a diary. Journaling's purpose: When we keep our thoughts in our head, they become larger, more abstract, more intense. By putting the thoughts on paper, you can read back your notes and see that things aren't quite as bad as you thought. (Though they will be bad, as this is a failure, not a success!).

To journal, just take your thoughts and write them ALL down. Don't edit yourself, worry about spelling or punctuation, or worry that another will see your entry. A journaling session may read like: "Today I really blew it. I am so embarrassed, and frankly I am a little worried about my job security. I wish I hadn't done it, but it's too late now. Hey, it's cold in here. Anyway, I would like to just stick my head in the sand and float away and never have to see anyone at work ever again. The phone is ringing---I'm going to ignore it...." and so on.

The rule of thumb for a proper journaling session is : write for three handwritten pages. That's 8.5 x 11 pages. Write for the front and back of one page, and the front of another. This is how long you need to really process the failure. Writing by hand is also a way to slow down and reflect and use the right and left sides of the brain (creative meets logical). There is a ton of research that suggests that writing gets everything involved---facts and emotions--as opposed to when you just type it all into a computer.

You may find that you even come up with some fixes (or at least get the courage to apologize or some other seemingly impossible action). It's not the purpose of journaling, but it is often a benefit.

Now for the real fun: take the pieces of paper, light them on fire, and flush them down the toilet. Worried about starting a fire? You can just tear them up into tiny pieces and flush them instead. The flushing of your troubles is great symbolism and ensures that no one sees your thoughts.

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#38 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." ~George Bernard Shaw

There are few of us out there that are at peace when faced with a failure. Failure is scary, embarrassing, sometimes expensive, and can make "getting back up" more difficult with each additional failed attempt. Hey! Feeling motivated and downright perky?? Well, let's see if I can turn this segment around a little and put a different spin on failure.

You have probably seen statements on failure that sound something like this:

~You never make the shots you don't take.
~Thomas Edison created 99 different versions of the light bulb before he made one that worked.
~The Chinese character for "failure" also means "opportunity."

But his knowledge all sounds a little "pie in the sky" when you are the one who has failed. Before I offer some constructive tools for dealing with failure, I'd like to emphasize that "failure" is self-defined. What may appear to be a failure to everyone you know* may only mean to you that you need to refine the process, practice more, learn from your mistakes, etc. Conversely, what may seem like no big deal to others may seem devastating to you. Regardless, if you identify a failure on your part, there are few things you can do, except "try, try again," as they say. But how do you get the energy or the nerve to try again?

*(I submitted some version of this book to publishers six time over a 7-year span and was rejected--or failed--each time. Failure is only final if you stop trying).

Mourn the Failure.

It's rarely effective to try to fool yourself that you didn't goof. When we deny a problem, it comes to life; when we acknowledge it, it dies. By admitting you made a mistake, screwed up, fell on your face, that it's not someone else's fault, ONLY THEN can the process of getting over it begin.

Anger, crying, self-flagellation, brooding...whatever your version of processing a negative emotion, will allow you to mourn your disappointment in yourself. Note: if you process negative emotion by eating for comfort, drinking, or taking it out on others...that's not processing emotion, but transferring it/avoiding it. Do the work! Remember this famous saying, "The only way out is through."

Then what?

Dissect the cause.

Now that you have mentally and emotionally processed the pain of failing, look at what the cause of the failure may have been and how to avoid it in the future. After all, learning from your mistake is just about the only silver lining.

More on dealing with failure in the next post!

Get your own copy of '101 Ways to Love Your Job' and consider leaving it in the breakroom after you read it ....

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#35 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Embarrassment at Work

If you can truly say that you have never been embarrassed, hurt, criticized, or make a mistake in the workplace, then how can you be a resource to teach or assist others when they experience these situations? Without experiencing professional anxiety, doubt, stress, rejection, and other uncomfortable (or downright painful) moments personally, then by definition you would be unable to give accurate, useful, and clear direction to others when they experience similar issues. You have no idea what they are going through; therefore, you cannot act as a resource for providing insight out of these dilemmas.

If you've never ridden a bike, how can you teach someone else? Ironically, the one thing we have in common as coworkers (and as humans) is our imperfections. And yet we spend endless energy keeping these painful memories hidden from each other. The very thing that could teach another or help someone through a difficult time (i.e., understanding exactly what they are going through and advising them on how you got through the same situation) is something we rarely share.

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Learn how to handle the stress of embarrassment on my site "Work Stress Solutions.Com".


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