I Am a Liar

"When we take innocent and open children and train them to be moralists, we train them at one and the same time to be liars. Moralism and lying go hand in hand. Being "good" and "looking good" lead directly to lying.

We conceal ourselves, by lying, because we fear that the pain accompanying the act of self-disclosure will literally destroy us, or fundamentally damage our being in some horrible way, rendering us maimed and dysfunctional. In addition, we fear we may destroy others with our truth-telling." ~Brad Blanton, Radical Honesty


Everybody lies. There is simply nothing to do about this, but accept this truth. We spend far too much time blaming others for lying to us, when the action that would have brought about the best outcome would be to ask ourselves, "What am I doing that is making telling the truth not an option for this person?" We lie for one reason: because we don't like the consequence of telling the truth.

Are you/we allowing people to be truthful? Are you a person where others can share what is true FOR THEM or do you get a bit hysterical or angered when someone says something you don't want to hear? I know I can be that way. Is lying often the only way to really get away from you or get along with you?

If you are uncomfortable with those questions...you may have just launched into a more global argument mentally. It may sound like, "Well, if we let just one person lie, and there is no punishment, then the whole world is going to crumble in chaos---thieves and Wall Street and Nixon---all liars!" This is a great way to avoid the inner work we need to do to understand that truth-telling begins inside. We are not the universal police. And it is only a matter of circumstance until we bend the truth, say the polite thing, fib, tell a little white lie---call it what you will---it's still lying and we all do it.

So is there a solution? Yes. We must be truthful, first, with ourselves. 'Know thyself' and the 12-step direction of doing a fearless self-inventory are two pieces of advice to find out what's true about you and let that be okay in your relationship with yourself. If you can become comfortable with the ways you have concealed the truth from yourself, and even forgive yourself for that, you will find it much easier to dismiss a lie someone has told you and buckle down for a conversation that involves the truth instead.

Really, that's all I'm going to offer in terms of suggestions for facing the truth that all people lie. It's inner work. The resistance to others lying to us is because we lie to ourselves. Since we can't be trusted to be truthful with ourselves, we insist our external world do the 'heavy lifting.' Until I can be honest with myself, I will insist that everyone else be truthful---otherwise the world really is an untrustworthy place.





See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.