What Works at Home Also Works at Work...

These sentences are suggestions for healing conflict in a relationship. Coworkers are in a relationship. Consider using one of these the next time you need to get things back on track:



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Video: This Is Water

This is a video I show in my stress management workshop and is also available on my website under "Videos." It's really all you need to stop stress in your life. It's a delightful little piece that comes from a commencement speech that went viral. Take a look. You will definitely benefit.



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The Power of NEGATIVE Thinking

The Antidote to Positive Thinking...is actually quite healthy. I like this guy.



And here's a link to some more of his thinking:

Against Positive Thinking: Uncertainty as the Secret of Happiness

Having studied under Positive Psychology pioneer Dr. Martin Seligman, and having read a great deal on the art-science of happiness and the role of optimism in well-being, I was at first incredulous of a book with the no doubt intentionally semi-scandalous title of The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking (public library). But, as it often turns out, author Oliver Burkeman argues for a much more sensible proposition — namely, that we’ve created a culture crippled by the fear of failure, and that the most important thing we can do to enhance our psychoemotional wellbeing is to embrace uncertainty.

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11 Scientific Ways to Be Happy

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'What Not to Wear' Meets 'Dress For Success'

This is the best definition of 'Dress for Success' I've ever read. Wearing your best isn't about deception. It's about representing your inner self accurately.

Clinton Kelly's Facebook Status March 9th, 2014:

I stopped filming “What Not to Wear” almost 10 months ago now. Honestly it feels like it was 3 weeks ago, and for some reason, I’ve had a thought coursing through my mind lately. I figured I would write it down and share it on Facebook, because … well, why the hell not. Here goes:

I don’t care what you wear. I really don’t. And I don’t care what you think of what I wear. I really don’t. I care what I wear. And I think you should care about what you wear.

Your style can make you happy, and even though I don’t know you, I’d like you to be happy, because as a human being, you deserve to be happy. Clothes won’t make you happy in that really deep, profound way. A solid core of happiness, I believe, comes from expressing love to those who deserve it and accepting love from others because you know you deserve it.

Nevertheless, clothes can make you happy in an important way.

Your personal style is a form of nonverbal communication, just like your facial expressions and your body language. If someone were to smile while giving you some really bad news, you would feel especially uncomfortable. If an acquaintance invited you to her house for a friendly lunch and then sat with her arms folded and legs crossed, you would think something was amiss. Similarly, when your clothes do not match who you are as a person, you and others around you experience a lack of harmony, a dissonance.

It’s hard to convince others -- but more importantly yourself -- that you are a vibrant human being when you look like you can barely convince yourself to roll out of bed in the morning.

And for the record, dissonance works both ways. A $5,000 suits doesn't prove to others -- or yourself -- that you're a good guy if in fact, you're actually a jackass.

I guess I want you to know that you control your nonverbal messaging. And when you feel as though the message you want to be sending to the rest of the world is in harmony with the message you are actually sending, you feel more confident, more at peace, and quite frankly, happier.

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Fear of Anger - Yours and Others

Great article on the biggest stressor of all: ANGER.

Are you terrified of others' anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control? If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others' anger.

Fear of Others' Anger

I grew up with a very angry mother and I was terrified of her anger. Her anger was irrational and it came out of nowhere. My whole body used to shake when she got angry.

For years as an adult, I continued to be terrified of anger, as I had no idea how to take care of myself in the face of another's anger. When you don't know how to respond to another's anger, your fight, flight or freeze response gets activated, and for me it was freeze. I would become so frozen that I was unable to say much at all. When I could talk again, I would try to explain, defend, or scurry around trying to please.

Now I'm no longer afraid of others' anger. I still shake inside if the anger is irrational, and now I know the shaking is my inner guidance letting me know that danger is occurring, and I listen carefully to what my inner guidance is telling me.

I'm no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage. If I think the person might open with me, I gently say, "I hear that you are angry and I'd like to understand why you are angry, but it will be much easier for me to hear you if you stop attacking me."

If I'm pretty sure that the person won't open, then I say something like, "This feels hurtful so I'm going to take a walk. Let me know when you are ready to talk without blaming me."

The fact that I can now do one of these two things takes away my fear. My inner child knows that I, as a loving adult, am going to take care of the situation so that she isn't hurt by it as she was as a child.

Fear of Your Anger

Many people who grew up with violence do not want to be anything like their angry parent or caregiver. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will become irrational and hurtful like some of the adults were when they were growing up.

If you have this fear, it is important for you to understand the difference between anger intent on controlling - which comes from an out of control wounded person and is very scary - and anger intent on learning. When your intent is to learn from your anger rather than dump it on someone else in the form of attack and blame, then you embrace your angry feelings as information. Your angry feelings are telling you that there is some way you are not taking care of yourself - some way you are abandoning yourself. When you consistently move into learning from your anger rather than act it out on others, you lose your fear of your anger.

All our emotions are informational, and our anger is no different. When you open to learning from your own anger, and you open to learning with another who is angry or you lovingly disengage, you will heal your fear of anger.

---

I'm no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage.

---

See website of author Dr. Margaret Paul for more on ANGER.


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The Cost of Stress

Courtesy of: EnMast.com

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Two Big Mistakes

I recently declared my New Year's resolution and it may surprise some, but not those that are frequent readers of my blog and website. I am resolved to embrace my imperfectness in 2014.

Perfection is something I've written about in the past, and mostly it amounts to one thing: self-hatred. I like to say that. And I say it often in my workshops. It's a bit of a slap, and it makes people pay attention to what I say next.

We spend a lot of time and money chasing perfection. We do it in the school system, in the workplace, with our families, to our bodies. It's an impossible standard, we know it, and yet we still think we can hit it if we just try a little harder and stay positive.

And then it happens. We sweat and strain and hide and pretend and even lie...so that we appear perfect and then we inevitably make a mistake. Next, our entire self-worth comes tumbling down---usually with an audience of perfectionistic-seekers---who are more than happy to shift the focus off of themselves and emphasize this fall from grace. Oh, for shame. You aren't perfect.

The author of "In Search for Excellence," Tom Peters, based his book on the research around risk taking, problem solving, decision making and mistakes. He found that if we take risks, stretch outside our comfort zone, try for something bigger and better, we will make two big mistakes a year. He followed big decision-makers around like CEOs and politicians and noted that those who used extensive research and problem solving techniques and strategic planning were still going to be playing the odds of fate or partial information or just simply not knowing what the future holds and would make two big mistakes a year.

What did he find when he followed and charted and studied those who played it safe, kept in their comfort zone, focused on what was known and sure? That these people would also make two mistakes a year. So the reader was urged to embrace these two mistakes, anticipate them even.

I think we would serve ourselves better by being ready for mistakes and put our energies into the correction when they come, rather than attempting perfection in the first place. The effort is enormous, the cost is dear and it doesn't work (in case that matters to anyone). Let the people in your workplaces and your homes know that you are a safe place for reporting mistakes. That you will participate in the clean-up. That you will not shame or blame when the inevitable happens, but instead use the energy to repair and rebuild what was damaged.

That's the recipe for trust and ensuring excellence. That's the recipe for emotionally healthy groups, companies and families. Excellence is possible. Better outcomes are out there. And they are far more likely to arise when people are calm and assured of support when they make a misstep rather then being ostracized, rejected and left alone to handle their imperfect humanness.

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ACIM: Bringing The Darkness To Light

Marianne Williamson helping you understand your shadow self:

ACIM: Bringing The Darkness To Light



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The 14 Habits of Highly Miserable People

I sincerely hope you will click through and read the entire article by Cloe Madanes, but just in case you can't take the time, here they are:

How to Succeed at Self-Sabotage:

1. Be afraid, be very afraid, of economic loss.
2. Practice sustained boredom.
3. Give yourself a negative identity.
4. Pick fights.
5. Attribute bad intentions.
6. Whatever you do, do it only for personal gain.
7. Avoid gratitude.
8. Always be alert and in a state of anxiety.
9. Blame your parents.
10. Don’t enjoy life’s pleasures.
11. Ruminate.
12. Glorify or vilify the past.
13. Find a romantic partner to reform.
14. Be critical.


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.