Wake Up to Reality

Many people's lives are constantly punctuated with little fits or tantrums in which they express their rejection of what's happening. What are the thoughts that come at these moments? "I'm hopeless," "If he hadn't done that....," "She always...," "I knew better than to do this."



Many of these thoughts are about what you would have done if you'd known better, or seen it coming, or remembered. You think that if you had done something other than what you did, you could have stayed in control of events. "Oh sh*t!" marks the point where reality and your plan parted ways. Things don't seem to be going your way, and to the best of your ability you're going to fight reality, even if all you can do is swear, kick a rock, or give someone you love a hard time.



The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what's going to happen next. That way, you're pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, and you're pleasantly surprised when they don't. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them and the old plans don't stop you from moving ahead, from flowing efficiently into the life beyond your schemes and expectations.



Noticing and counting the beautiful reasons unexpected things happen for us ends the mystery. If you miss the real reasons, the benevolent reasons that coincide with kind nature, then count on depression to let you know that you missed them. Anger, frustration, and aggressive reasons can always be imagined---and what for? People who aren't interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right.



But that apparent rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So "counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me" isn't a game. It's an exercise in observing the nature of life. It's a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.



Excerpt from Byron Katie's : "I Need Your Love---Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead"


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Embracing Others, Embracing Myself

We hear "We are all one..." and it is hard to make sense of that statement, though something about its hidden truth pulls at us. In this video, actor Thandie Newton tells the story of finding her "otherness" -- first, as a child growing up in two distinct cultures, and then as an actor playing with many different selves and how she found "we are all one". A warm, wise talk, fresh from stage at TEDGlobal 2011.






See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Don't Believe Everything You Think

It seems to me, that no one is noticing the elephant in the human living room. Thoughts. I don’t seem to be in control of them, and they just keep on coming. I have spent what seems a lifetime trying to control them, their content, and their quality. I have meditated, done affirmations, insisted on thinking positively all day long, journaled and been to therapy. And none of it has changed one thing.



Since I’m not one to sit around after 30 years of effort and tell myself, “Try harder,” I decided to investigate this private realization. As it would happen, this “you are in charge of your thoughts” declaration is absolutely not true. But you knew that already.



What we CAN control is our response to these thoughts. But these thoughts just come on in, unbidden. You can purposely think a statement or affirmation, sure, but what gave you the thought to think it? Ha! Gotcha. It just popped in, right?



Jung had a term called the Collective Unconscious; the Vendata Community has a term, “the causal body.” Both of these explain that thoughts are coming from SOMEWHERE (call it God, Reality or from the Great Beyond), but they are not originating FROM YOU. You are BEING thought!



You’ll notice you are digesting food and taking in air in the very same way. It’s just happening. Your agreement with these processes is not required. It will happen with or without your vote. Sit for a moment and notice this.



So, what is my point?



Well, I had, er, a THOUGHT ‘came in’ that suggested that I write an article about this to you; to allow others to have access to this same insight. At this point, this information may seem like AWFUL news, because you apparently don’t have control over your thoughts. But isn’t this realization also kind of freeing?



If you are not the thinker, than you can just observe the thoughts, and decide (you still have free will) which ones to emotionally or physically respond to. So, you can have a feeling or execute an action. Or you can dismiss the thought altogether.



Byron Katie, of “the Work” fame, anchors her entire program on this premise. She tells us that every stressful thought is a lie. Doesn’t that sound INSULTING at first glance? But what she means is, if the thought is upsetting to us, it isn’t true. It is going against reality or our own truth or both.



“I’m too fat and ugly” could be a thought that pops in when you look in the mirror. Is that true? Are you really TOO fat? Are you considered ugly by everyone? Even your dog? Well, maybe you could lose some weight, but currently, you are as big or small as you are. It’s just a fact. You’re alive and seem to be mobile (you walked by a mirror, right?) so perhaps the definition of fat is subjective. Are you REALLY grossed out by yourself or are you trying to program your view to match some societal opinion that is repeated a lot on TV and at night clubs?



If the circumstances were different and you were on a deserted island with no food, are you too fat now? Or are you properly equipped to withstand isolation until help arrives (compared to your size 5 friend who is definitely not gonna make it past the first month?).



Yes, yes, I hear you. You think this is crazy and will keep you alone and judged by your neighbors and co-workers if you adopt this new way of viewing thoughts. These various people that walk around noticing your outfits and your hair and your butt (and seem to be very important to you---maybe more important than YOU are to you). They really are focused on YOU, aren’t they?? Well, since you have been trying to please them since you were about 12 years old, and haven’t really measured up consistently –if ever---what do you say we stop worrying about the thoughts THEY have randomly entering their brains and focus on the ones randomly entering yours?



Because I have to tell ya, it is actually a lot of FUN to watch them pop in and out all day. And knowing I get to decide which one to attend to and which one to ignore, makes me feel VERY In charge, not out of control. How about trying it my way?



It’s just a thought…:)

"A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years."

— Byron Katie (Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life)



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Are Wrong!!

The title got your attention, didn't it? And NOT in a good way.


Aren't you feeling a little agitation right now? I bet you are. This is the normal response to being told we are WRONG. Your intention in reading further may even be to prove to me that you are NOT wrong, but quite right. And you don't even know what we are talking about yet!


This attitude is why we have conflict. Conflict is caused by the desire to be right. Think about an argument you have recently had. Was it with your spouse, co-worker or who was next in line at Target? It doesn't matter WHO is was, or what you THINK about them, or even what the actual FACTS were. What generated the conflict was your need to prove you were right about whatever happened.


In any given situation that involves conflict (whether that is aggressive conflict or polite conflict, it hardly matters) you would be better off in the long run to give up your irresistible need to be right EVERY TIME. You may wish to fight to the death on some issue that is important to you---and those fights are likely the ones that define who you are and what you stand for. But when you are fighting over who took the garbage our last or were you the next one in line, you may need to see where your need to be right is getting in your way.


Dr. Robert Bolten, bestselling author of "People Skills" states, "My research indicates that 95% of all conflict stems from our irresistible need to be right. Our conflict would greatly diminish if we gave up this mindset."


So how do we go about changing this mindset? Following are a couple of quotes based on Dr. Stephen Covey's Work (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) and to take a quote from this list and put it to work for you. Place it on your computer screen, as a screensaver or post if somewhere you will see often like the bathroom mirror.


"Assertiveness is defined as courage balanced with consideration." My interpretation: Have the guts to stand up for yourself, but do it with some manners.


"What is more important ? To be right in your relationships or to be effective in them?" My interpretation: On your deathbed, will your last words be "I was loved" or "I was right" ?


Excerpt #70 from my book "101 Ways to Love Your Job."


See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Word Choice in Conflict

"We are a master of the words we think,
and a slave to the words we speak." ~Zen saying

I speak for a living. Words are my bread and butter. And even I have problems with word choice when it comes to dealing with conflict in the workplace. While we can't possibly control everything that comes out of our mouths, there are some words to AVOID and a way to practice a conversation if we know it's coming.


*Word to Avoid When Dealing with Difficult Co-Workers*

But, However, Although

These are actually all the same word. It is the use of one of these words that negates anything said prior to them. It sounds something like this:

"You're doing a really good job here, but...."

The listener automatically knows that what you said prior to the BUT is not true, or less true, than what you are about to say. It angers people because it feels manipulative (and that's probably because it is an attempt to manipulate better reception of your negative comment).


What to say instead? AND. "You're doing a really good job here AND here are some things you could do even better..." Makes all the difference.

Never and Always

These words are absolutes, and they diminish a person's inherent complexity when used to describe behaviors. It sounds like this:

"You are NEVER on time....You are ALWAYS late..."

This starts an argument, because this isn't true. You aren't using facts, you are essentially name-calling. If you need to discuss someone's behavior, it would behoove you to use FACTS or DATA instead of ABSOLUTES. This conversation may sound like:

"You have been late four out of the last five days..."

Now, we can have a factual conversation instead of borderline slander.


Practicing Difficult Conversations

If you have the luxury of knowing a difficult conversation is coming your way, there are two ways to practice (and practice you must---going over this in your head in the car on the way in to work is NOT practice).


1. Have a mock conversation with someone you trust. It has to be someone you trust, because this is going to be embarrassing and it needs to be kept confidential. But if you have someone who can role-play the difficult co-worker in question, you have got yourself some workplace gold. Mine it.


2. Write it out. When we write long-hand (doesn't work using the computer), we engage our left and right brain simultaneously---creative meets logical. Powerful stuff. You may not say everything exactly as you wrote it when the actual conversation happens, but your odds are greatly increased, and as a side bonus, you relieve a lot of pent-up negativity in the process.


You may have certain words that get you riled. I know I am personally not a fan of the response, "Whatever." Do you have a phrase or word that upsets you? Share it below in the comments section so we all can benefit (and avoid their use in the future):


More on dealing with difficult co-workers? See my site for information on:

Tone of Voice
Body Language
Mindset/Attitude
Listening Skills

Just Like Me

This article is life-changing...it's important...and I didn't write it. But I will do my damnedest to get it out there to as many people as I can.

Othering: How to Use Current Events for Your Own Evolution
Posted by Arjuna Ardagh

The word “other” is commonly used in English as both an adjective and a pronoun. As an adjective: “born on the other side of the tracks.” As a pronoun: “if it’s not one thing, it’s the other.” Today I’d like to submit for your consideration the word “other” as a verb. Examples? “Dude, don’t other me,” and “she was in a terrible mood, othering everybody the whole evening.”

Here is my proposed dictionary entry for the next Merriam Webster:

other |ˈəðər|
verb
1. to attribute qualities onto another person, often a celebrity in the news, so as to avoid acknowledging these same qualities within oneself:
[as verb. ] hey, don’t other Clinton, most married men have done stuff like that | I went to a meeting with the Dalai Lama. It was great but people tend to other him by putting him above them.

For the last ten days, our latest “otherfest” has focused on Rep. Anthony Weiner, whose name made him a larger-than-life-Disney-cartoon disaster waiting to happen. Republicans are having a field day, of course, and even the members of his own party are calling for his resignation. Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advocating sending snaps of your private parts to women you hardly know. I don’t condone lying, or emotionally abandoning your recently pregnant wife. Probably everyone, including Rep. Weiner himself, agrees that these actions were stupid, immature, and hurtful to other people.

We can learn from this and many other current events, however, by shifting our attention from “what that terrible, despicable, lying rotten good for nothing over there did,” to “why are we getting so upset about this, and giving it so much attention?”

Why do we use the news so frequently for collective ‘othering?” One important reason is that there are weaknesses from which we all suffer: you and me and everyone we know. For example, pretty much every married man suffers from a case, mild or strong, of the wandering eye. His attention is caught by a pretty face, or a shapely curve, before he even has time to think about it. He might sometimes gaze at the thousands of naked women available on the web. He might even go all out, and have an affair. Generally, he feels bad about all of the above, he frequently lies about them, and he hopes to not get found out, neither for his actions, nor for his secret thoughts or dreams. He knows that all this distracts him from true intimacy with his wife, and she knows it too. But he does not know what to do about it. It is a dangerous weakness we all have. If we act on these impulses and get caught, they can destroy our marriage or career. So when a man conveniently called Weiner makes the mistake of following the impulses of his weiner, it is not just his issue. It is every man’s secret nightmare, and his wife’s as well, written large for all to see.

Similarly, every mother I have ever known, however devoted and loving and patient, at some time or other feels overwhelmed. She needs a break. She may sometimes lose it with the kids, or wish she had not become a mother so young. She might even, in her most private moments of deep despair, wish she could go back to the carefree life she lived before they were born. Then she catches herself, and blocks such thoughts from her mind. She becomes afraid that she is a bad mother for ever thinking that way. If questioned, she would never, ever, ever, admit to resenting her own kids. “I love them, I am a good mother.” Hence the Casey Anthony trial does not pass in obscurity in a remote Florida court house, it is international news day after day after day. Every small and sordid detail is guzzled up, in real time, by millions of people, as if it were their own family member in the dock. Why? Because this is our own secret nightmare on display for everyone to see.

The simple antidote for othering, which turns every news story into an opportunity for evolution and maturity are three simple words: Just like me. What did Weiner do? His attention wandered, and he acted on it. Most men, at least the honest ones, could easily say, “Just like me.” (And yes, things that happened in college do count.) Then he lied, for a week, before fessing up. C’mon guys, we can also offer another “Just like me.”

In order for “just like me” to work, you’ve got to let go of the facts a little bit, and tune into the energy underneath. Most men have not tweeted pics of their package to virtual strangers. They may not even have flirted. And certainly most women have never actually harmed their own children. The question is whether you can locate and be honest about the same impulses in the locked basement of your own thoughts. You may not have acted on them, but the important question is, have you ever taken such a wild ride in your mind?

Two or three months ago, Dr. Gay Hendricks and I released a YouTube video called “Dear Woman.” With a ramshackle assortment of buddies, we created a chorus of “just like me,” about how we can ‘fess up to weaknesses in our own masculine psyche. Men from all over the world were outraged that we would voice a collective apology for things that we, and they, didn’t do.

People object to letting go of “othering” because they think that by acknowledging those same traits in themselves, it is creating guilt and shame. They are also concerned that they may be abandoning their moral compass all together, reducing themselves to a left coast mush where everything is ok.

I suggest that you can maintain a well-tuned sense right and wrong, without having to project the “wrong” onto political figures, and claim the “right” things for yourself. Releasing “othering” doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a more honest, deeper and compassionate person.

What are the benefits of integrating “just like me” into your life?

* One, you can instantaneously replace heavy feelings of separation and judgment with compassion and empathy, thereby improving your health.

* Two, you can bring undesirable qualities out of the shadow, own them, and become a more engaging, and multidimensional person.

* Three, when checking in to Google News every day, instead of getting depressed, it can become an endless, fascinating journey of self-discovery. “Wow, we did that too?”

You can use “just like me” not only on things that you condemn as bad, but also on qualities you admire, and wish to emulate, “The Dalai Lama is so wise and calm… just like me.” “Mark Wahlberg is so smart, just like me.” “Barack Obama is so eloquent. He has such a knack with words… just like me.”

If you’d like to know more about “just like me” and other similar tools, go register at thedeeperlove.com, and they’ll send you a useful practice every few days (free).



See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.