#43 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Feeling Inferior: It's Your Choice

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

No doubt you have seen this famous quote before, but I'd like to explore this further from the perspective of why we give that consent to feel inferior. There are a couple of generally accepted rules-of-thumb on why we get our buttons pushed---although these reasons may, well, push your buttons. The first reason is:

Consider the source.

The person who has criticized you matters to you. You respect them or like them or feel they have some kind of influence over your life, and their comments are taken seriously. If this were not the case, you would not take the words to heart. Here's an example:

If my spouse said, "Those are funny-looking earrings," I would probably feel hurt. If the neighbor's two-year-old child came over and said, "Those are funny-looking earrings," I would weigh the comment and consider the source:

-This is a little kid I hardly know and have no significant relationship with.
-He doesn't have a strong command of the English language yet, so he may have meant "amusing" or "fun" instead of "funny."
-Generally, though there may be some exceptions to the rule here, I don't find that two-year-old children have exquisite taste in jewelry.

Therefore, the truth of whether my earrings are actually funny-looking or fantastic is not the point. The point is the source of the comment. I give my consent to feel badly, inferior, angry, or some other unpleasant sensation based on the source of the comment rather than the reality of the comment.

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#42 of The 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Perfection Repaired

When you set perfection as the standard for all of your objectives, you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. You deny yourself the reality that you can only become better when you are allowed to try new things, take risks, and make mistakes. The necessity of self-acceptance becomes impossible, and this lack of acceptance is used as a barometer for others' performance as well.

If you are deeply ingrained in the perfectionist mindset, then this information is probably being discounted by you. I urge you to just notice the possibility that you may be causing yourself unnecessary wear and tear by striving to achieve a standard that no one but you insists on. Read the following suggestions and select one to keep in mind for the following week.

*Remember that you have a distinct and unique contribution. Stop comparing yourself to others.

*Develop your own style and preferences instead of following another person's way.

*Stop analyzing every interaction/conversation you have with important others.

*Accept the fact that sometimes you will make poor decisions and that you will learn from them.

*Remember : perfection is not possible for humans!!


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#41 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be a standard to shoot for but becomes unhealthy when it is the only standard accepted. Some people take the goal of perfection too far...and there is a price to pay. True perfectionists are never satisfied. Chronic or daily attempts to achieve perfection are driven by feelings of inferiority and self-hatred. This not only impacts perfectionists and their health, it seriously damages the morale of coworkers. It is the leading cause of procrastination, ironically, as the tendency to procrastinate creates even more self-loathing, and the cycle continues.

Perfectionism has not received enough attention in the workplace. It can be one of the most destructive traits to both the individual and to others' motivation and workplace self-esteem. I have seen few personality characteristics as problematic as the need for perfection.

Are you a perfectionist?

*Do you find yourself becoming frustrated because you feel that you aren't as far along as others?

*Do you feel others (even loved ones) are always assessing you, from your clothing choice to your word choice...that you are regularly scrutinized by the people in your life?

*Do you criticize yourself even when you are learning something new?

*Do you expect yourself to do everything well at all times?

*Do you find yourself taking part in activities in which you have little interest to gain approval?

*Do you find that when you do something that satisfies you, it is short-lived (for example, the next day you are back to trying to accomplish perfection?)

*Have you been told by the people around you that you focus on the problems in life, and even if everything is okay, you find something that bothers you?

*With most tasks, do you feel that there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way to do them and that you are uncomfortable with alternative ways of getting them done?

If you answered "yes" to more than a couple of these, then I would start to work on your need for perfection. I can honestly think of few reasons for hating your job more than demanding perfection from others or having it demanded upon you on a daily basis.

It's really that simple.



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#40 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure: Neither Fatal nor Final

For some, writing or journaling produces nothing but a groan. If you are not the writing type, there are still some ways to effectively process a mistake, a misstep, or an outright failure.

Talk to someone.

Make sure you respect and trust this individual or it may make matters worse. A trust confidante with a good head on his shoulders is invaluable. What talking does is takes the monster out of your head, just like the journaling suggestion in the previous post. Some of us are visual and would prefer to write it out (and some of us may be more private than others). Others are more verbal and also benefit from a different perspective. Either way, you will get a better handle on the failure.

Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

Lather: Mourn the failure (as in, get in a lather).

Rinse: Cleanse yourself mentally and emotionally by getting the failure into a manageable size (see previous tip).

Repeat as needed: Or more accurately---DON'T repeat. Promise yourself you'll learn from this mistake and not do it again. Or really try to find what the reason for this failure may have been...what lesson did you learn?

When I feel like I have failed, I read a quote I have posted near me at all times: "This, too, shall pass." Trite? Take time to think about the words you have heard so many times before. The failure, the humiliation of the failure, will ultimately pass with time. You will not and cannot stay in this moment. Consider failure from the past: doesn't it seem less important now? Maybe even funny? At least it got you to where you are today. Can't deny that!

If all else fails (sorry), ask yourself, "In five years, will this really matter?" Works like a charm!

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." ~Winston Churchill

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#39 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure: Get out of Your Head and on Paper

Processing a negative emotion or dealing with something like a failure is easy to say (or write), but how exactly is it done? Are we supposed to scream into a pillow? Go to a therapist? Develop a thicker skin? I have found one technique in particular helps me deal with the hard times in life. I have used this technique off and on for many years. The more I do it, the more at ease I am. Try it and see if you don't find it a little easier to pick yourself back up the next time you fail.

Journal.

Journaling is a great way to get the "monster" out of your head and onto something more manageable---paper. Journaling is not the same as keeping a diary. Journaling's purpose: When we keep our thoughts in our head, they become larger, more abstract, more intense. By putting the thoughts on paper, you can read back your notes and see that things aren't quite as bad as you thought. (Though they will be bad, as this is a failure, not a success!).

To journal, just take your thoughts and write them ALL down. Don't edit yourself, worry about spelling or punctuation, or worry that another will see your entry. A journaling session may read like: "Today I really blew it. I am so embarrassed, and frankly I am a little worried about my job security. I wish I hadn't done it, but it's too late now. Hey, it's cold in here. Anyway, I would like to just stick my head in the sand and float away and never have to see anyone at work ever again. The phone is ringing---I'm going to ignore it...." and so on.

The rule of thumb for a proper journaling session is : write for three handwritten pages. That's 8.5 x 11 pages. Write for the front and back of one page, and the front of another. This is how long you need to really process the failure. Writing by hand is also a way to slow down and reflect and use the right and left sides of the brain (creative meets logical). There is a ton of research that suggests that writing gets everything involved---facts and emotions--as opposed to when you just type it all into a computer.

You may find that you even come up with some fixes (or at least get the courage to apologize or some other seemingly impossible action). It's not the purpose of journaling, but it is often a benefit.

Now for the real fun: take the pieces of paper, light them on fire, and flush them down the toilet. Worried about starting a fire? You can just tear them up into tiny pieces and flush them instead. The flushing of your troubles is great symbolism and ensures that no one sees your thoughts.

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#38 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Dealing with Failure

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." ~George Bernard Shaw

There are few of us out there that are at peace when faced with a failure. Failure is scary, embarrassing, sometimes expensive, and can make "getting back up" more difficult with each additional failed attempt. Hey! Feeling motivated and downright perky?? Well, let's see if I can turn this segment around a little and put a different spin on failure.

You have probably seen statements on failure that sound something like this:

~You never make the shots you don't take.
~Thomas Edison created 99 different versions of the light bulb before he made one that worked.
~The Chinese character for "failure" also means "opportunity."

But his knowledge all sounds a little "pie in the sky" when you are the one who has failed. Before I offer some constructive tools for dealing with failure, I'd like to emphasize that "failure" is self-defined. What may appear to be a failure to everyone you know* may only mean to you that you need to refine the process, practice more, learn from your mistakes, etc. Conversely, what may seem like no big deal to others may seem devastating to you. Regardless, if you identify a failure on your part, there are few things you can do, except "try, try again," as they say. But how do you get the energy or the nerve to try again?

*(I submitted some version of this book to publishers six time over a 7-year span and was rejected--or failed--each time. Failure is only final if you stop trying).

Mourn the Failure.

It's rarely effective to try to fool yourself that you didn't goof. When we deny a problem, it comes to life; when we acknowledge it, it dies. By admitting you made a mistake, screwed up, fell on your face, that it's not someone else's fault, ONLY THEN can the process of getting over it begin.

Anger, crying, self-flagellation, brooding...whatever your version of processing a negative emotion, will allow you to mourn your disappointment in yourself. Note: if you process negative emotion by eating for comfort, drinking, or taking it out on others...that's not processing emotion, but transferring it/avoiding it. Do the work! Remember this famous saying, "The only way out is through."

Then what?

Dissect the cause.

Now that you have mentally and emotionally processed the pain of failing, look at what the cause of the failure may have been and how to avoid it in the future. After all, learning from your mistake is just about the only silver lining.

More on dealing with failure in the next post!

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#37 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

To Err is Human

By being willing to demonstrate through your words and actions that talking about, and learning from, mistakes is a necessary part of long-term career success, you allow others to share their experiences, too. It takes STRENGTH to admit that you are not perfect. It takes KINDNESS to share your humanness with another who is in dire need of direction during a painful time. And finally, it takes KNOWLEDGE to provide the information the coworker needs to repair or improve when she has "made a wrong turn."

Show others that it is okay to be human, make mistakes, and learn from them. Pretending to be perfect never taught anyone anything, except to be closed off from others and hide who they really are. I doubt we will find the latter behavior under the heading "great leadership."

Look for ways to help others who are struggling today. When someone comes to you with a problem, share your own similar experience and how you overcame it. Use your painful memories as a way to help someone out of a situation that is causing them pain today.

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#36 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Errors are Great Teachers

Appearing perfect, strong, and all-knowing doesn't serve your coworkers nearly as well as showing them then you, too, have made mistakes and have worked through them. In fact, I would suggest that withholding your "trials and tribulations" from others who are in need of counsel is very close to arrogance. You may get to feel superior momentarily, but in the end, you have not acted from a superior place. You have robbed someone of the information they need to learn, grow, and perhaps pass on the same wisdom when someone comes to them with a similar problem. Even in the worst case scenario, you will provide comfort to others by showing that you, too, have made mistakes and that they are not alone.

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#35 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Embarrassment at Work

If you can truly say that you have never been embarrassed, hurt, criticized, or make a mistake in the workplace, then how can you be a resource to teach or assist others when they experience these situations? Without experiencing professional anxiety, doubt, stress, rejection, and other uncomfortable (or downright painful) moments personally, then by definition you would be unable to give accurate, useful, and clear direction to others when they experience similar issues. You have no idea what they are going through; therefore, you cannot act as a resource for providing insight out of these dilemmas.

If you've never ridden a bike, how can you teach someone else? Ironically, the one thing we have in common as coworkers (and as humans) is our imperfections. And yet we spend endless energy keeping these painful memories hidden from each other. The very thing that could teach another or help someone through a difficult time (i.e., understanding exactly what they are going through and advising them on how you got through the same situation) is something we rarely share.

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#34 of The 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride and Prejudice Purified

Keep this idea in mind for the rest of the day:

Each time you interact with someone, mentally frame the interaction with the assumption that you don't have all the information about this person or this circumstance. Ask questions. Listen. When you find yourself drawing conclusions, search for proof of the opposite (called "contrary evidence.").

For instance, if you are drawing the conclusion that this person is not a team player, ask them for an example of when they showed exceptional teamwork.

Another example: Is there someone you just can't stand in your department? Look for those things you like, admire, have in common. Try to find any common ground.

All you have to lose is your bias!

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#33 of 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride Keeps Prejudice Company

Another Coveyism that ties prejudice to pride: "When we argue, we are fighting for our weaknesses." It took me a long time to understand what this quote was saying. When we are not willing to be open to another point of view--when we are sure we are right--we are actually fighting to keep our limitations in place. If you find yourself right this minute thinking, 'I am not the person she is talking to in this [blog entry]," you are fighting to keep your prejudice.

When we become defensive after receiving feedback or argue with someone over our opinions on a matter, we are fighting to not have our minds changed. We are fighting to keep our current mindset in place. As you can probably figure out, this will ultimately make you obsolete. "Fight for your weaknesses and you get to keep them," is another way to look at it.

Today, I ask that you open up to this possibility. What does becoming aware of our biases look like? How do we know when we are "there"?

The answer? When we can see that everyone has both shortcomings and strengths. Everyone (including ourselves) makes mistakes and creates successes. Knowing that we all want to be able to pay our bills easily, enjoy leisure time, and create something meaningful at work---no matter our physical form or current circumstances--is the goal.

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#32 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Pride and Prejudice

Creator of the Seven Habits, Dr. Stephen Covey says, "To be objective, we must first admit we are subjective."

We all see the world differently. Every one of us has unique experiences ranging from what part of the country we were raised in to what books we've read over our lives. This creates a subjective and personalized method when we process information. When someone says they are completely objective, it is likely not so. At first glance, this must seem like horrible news. You may even be saying to yourself, "I know there are others in my workplace that this applies to, but she's not talking to me." Oh, yes I am!

If you don't admit or realize that you, like everyone else, have bias, then this very bias will be incorporated into your decision-making. By not acknowledging the bias exists, it clouds your ability to assess the situation accurately. This is the harm in not seeing that we all carry bias.

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#31 of the 101 Ways to Love Your Job

Organizing and Time Management

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging-on to an uncompleted task."

~William James

Tips for time management and organization:

1. Focus on starting tasks rather than finishing them. The greatest challenge is taking the first step and getting started. It feels good to finally get moving toward a project you've been dreading. See each step as starting something new (not working toward finishing).

2. Every day, something unexpected is going to happen. Count on it. Schedule "Oops!" time.

3. Think on paper, not in your head. Writing things down minimizes confusion and stress. Write down goals, to-do list, and even problems. Why keep all this in your head? What an effort!

4. Get a spiral notebook, date it, and keep all your notes in that book. Quit writing on loose papers that tend to get lost and shuffled endlessly.

5. When you find your scheduled "Oops!" time wasn't needed (#2) , use the down time to clear out your files. I have exhumed desks with files dating back 8-10 years! Surely, these pieces of ancient paper weren't being kept for regular review. We just stop seeing the clutter after awhile.

6. More on throwing away. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that could happen if I throw this away?" Most of the time, you can live with your answer. Most of the time, if it really was important, you can get a replacement.

7. If throwing papers away really makes you nervous, create a drawer or file to store your stuff for ninety days. If you have not used it with ninety days, you can safely throw those "keepers" away.

"What's man's best friend (besides the dog)? The wastebasket!"

~Business Week Magazine


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